Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Today January 24, 2013

Filed under: about me,all,journal,musings,personal,thoughts — rainey46 @ 5:38 pm
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I woke up feeling awful, so I called in and went back to bed. I woke up a little later still feeling lousy. Then I made a mistake; I went online and looked at a project I’ve managed at work and saw no  little progress. I took some medication, showered, and crawled into work. I only stayed a few hours, but I completed a lot of the little things that needed to be done. Now I am back home, already in my pajamas and ready for bed. It is 5:30.

It is blustery and cold here; my favorite kind of weather. I wish I felt better! I would LOVE to go out and take some photos. I guess I will just settle in and watch from my window. There will be other days.

Stay warm, my friends.

 

Ramblings of Rainey January 2, 2013

Filed under: about me,all,musings,personal,thoughts,work — rainey46 @ 7:09 pm
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Back to the trenches today. It was nice to have some time off for the holidays, but since I enjoy having a roof over my head and food on the table I had to return to work today. It wasn’t bad, really. I enjoy working, I just don’t enjoy getting up at 5:00 am every day. I WILL go to bed early tonight!

J (my daughter) is extremely manic today. She is sometimes aggressive (not physically) toward me when she is manic, and today was no exception. I try to stay calm but I don’t always do a good job. Sometimes I just want to scream LEAVE ME ALONE! I HAD A LONG DAY, TOO! She gets loud, demanding of attention, and talks like a whirlwind. If you try to calm her or do anything else she gets angry and it just gets worse. Some days, even when she’s NOT depressed, are just hard. Many days are hard, actually.

Do you ever wish you could stop the clock and spend some time doing things you WANT or NEED to do? I would write, take photographs, draw, make jewelry, paint…anything creative! There is never enough time in the day for all I want to do. While at work today, my mind kept drifting….thinking about something I want to write, or pictures I could take. It is almost like a drug to me because it calms my nerves and makes me happy. It’s too bad I can’t retire early and create things for the rest of my life!

I realize this is a very rambling post, but my brain feels “rambly” today. (Yes, spell check told me rambly is not a word, but it fits, so it stays.) There are things I want to say, but they all feel very disconnected. I think dealing with J has set me a little lot on edge.

 

I Will Not be Seen on Hoarders August 6, 2012

Closet #2

Closet #2 (Photo credit: lonecellotheory)

Today I felt completely overwhelmed. I decided to go work a little in my office at my new job (it officially starts August 17). I have stacks of  papers, books, and other materials left by the former employee that I am responsible for sorting and organizing. My job is to have it ready for the other employees as they need it. It was a total mess! The previous employee became sick and had been out for almost a year, and it was obvious that others had come and borrowed materials, never bothering to return things to its proper place. Plus, I had my boxes from my last job in storage that I had to move to my new office. Right now the room looks like an episode of “Hoarders” gone wild!

What I wanted to do is sit down and cry. Since that would only serve to make the books and papers damp (and who wants damp books and papers?) I decided to do the only thing I know to do: take pictures and plan. First, I moved everything that I needed into the room. As I did, I grouped like objects together. I then grabbed my camera and took pictures of every stack and every piece of furniture. I made sure to include pictures of the walls and built-in cabinets as well. After taking the pictures, I turned out the light and walked out. Being there without a plan made me anxious and I knew I would not be productive.

Now that I am home, I can use the pictures to figure out the best way to organize the piles of materials. I feel much calmer now that I have a plan of action!

Oh, also, I did something else productive yesterday….I completly cleaned and organized my walk-in closet (Which, by the way, WOULD have qualified me for “Hoarders”).  Yea, me! It feels so good to have that done. I threw out tons of stuff I haven’t worn in years, and I have a huge pile to give to charity. I like things clean and well-organized, so this makes me feel very happy!

I feel quite productive right now! If only I had money, I could go buy clothes to put in that almost empty closet…

 

Permanent State of Chaos July 30, 2012

My new job starts in just 18 days. I don’t know how I feel about it; I guess mixed feelings describes it best. Actually, I haven’t allowed myself to think about it much at all. That’s the way I handle everything that is scary or unpleasant, you see. I put it inside a little box, seal it up tightly, and shove it to a dark corner of my mind. The only time I think about these scary things is late at night when I cannot sleep. Then my mind goes to each of these little boxes (I have hundreds), pops the tape loose and throws all the scary things in one big whirling cyclone. Various items get thrown out and exposed for me to see and worry over. “Unpaid bills”  I have no money, what will I do….. “J is getting closer to the edge” I don’t know how to  help her… “Your closet is a mess” I know, I know, I just need to buckle down and clean it out… “You need to call your mom” I feel so guilty…I should call her more often…”You have a new job to get ready for” I don’t know how to begin…

My mind is in a permanent state of chaos. It is so easy to sit here and say, ” I need to do A, B, and C. If I do these things, I will have less to worry about and less stress.” But I cannot seem to be able to make myself do A, B, or C! Everything, even semi-small tasks, seems too overwhelming. I know this will pass, but it upsets me that I waste so much of my life.

I am trying to take baby steps. I went to my new job today and spent some time sorting the boxes in my office. The former employee left boxes and boxes of supplies and materials and it is my job to sort it…before I move my own belongings in. It is extremely hot here (again) today, and the air conditioner was not on, so I didn’t stay long. It felt good to have something accomplished and to get out of the house. Baby steps, right?

Now I am back home with several hours before bed. I still need to make supper (something quick and easy, I think; it’s too hot for anything elaborate), but I have time to do something else. Maybe I will call my mom just to say hello. Then, I could clean just one shelf in my closet. One shelf wouldn’t be so bad, would it? If I do that, maybe, just maybe, the chaos in my mind would not be so bad tonight.

 

Hello! May 15, 2012

Hello, friends! I have not been posting as often as before due to heavy demands at work. Things are crazy now, but soon will be a little easier. It keeps me busy, I suppose, which is a good thing. I do wish I had more time for my creative endeavors! Soon, though, very soon, I will have more time.

This image is a closeup of one of my poppies. I love these wrinkled flowers!