Okay, WordPress…WTH??? I am getting notification messages when I reply to the comments ON MY OWN POSTS!! I thought I suddenly got popular with all of those new comments, but it was only ME!!! What a let-down!
WordPress Friendships Vs. Real Life Friendships: Who Wins? January 6, 2013
Is it bad that I feel closer to some of my WordPress friends than I do my “real life” friends? Should I be concerned? I have met the kindest, funniest, and sweetest people in blog-land. I look forward to reading and interacting with you more than real life friends.
To be fair, I keep real life friends at arm’s length; I always have. I have many, many acquaintances…you know, people who are “friends” whom you talk to when you see them, you chat on Facebook, you know about their children and their dog, but you don’t go to the movies or show up at each others homes. Real friends (which I define as people who can drop by unannounced and not piss me off, people who call and I actually answer, or people I turn to when I need a shoulder or they need one) I can count on
two hands one finger. Seriously. I just don’t let people in for fear that they run screaming “FREAK!”.
I am amazed that I found a mate. He is clueless, mind you. I don’t mean that in a bad way. He just lives in his own happy-land world and ignores or doesn’t see the bad. For example, my youngest daughter, S, is gay. I’ve known it, the way a mother knows, for a long, long time. When she “came out” (I hate that phrase because it was like she was hiding, but she wasn’t, she just hadn’t figured it out for herself yet) I hugged her and told her it was great while hubs freaked. I mean, seriously FREAKED. He was born and raised in small town, USA (where we still live, BTW) He proclaimed that he loved her, but would not have “any of that shit in his house.” Not long after that, S met her partner, E. Hubs said she wasn’t coming in our house or to family events. This almost broke us up because I will NEVER do that to my daughter! I finally made him see that was wrong (he’s not a bad person, he just was raised a certain way) and that I would not alienate S by forbidding her to bring over the person she loves! He has adjusted, but here is how: in his mind, S and E are “friends”. “Roommates”. NOT lovers. He makes it okay by putting it in terms he can handle. Like I said, he lives in his own happy world.
That is how he is able to live with me or even love me. He sees what he WANTS to see. When I am depressed, I am “feeling bad” as in I have a cold or a virus. If you asked him right now if his wife gets depressed, he would say no. And he would believe it.
I wear a mask around the people who know me. An impenetrably, harden mask that sits firmly in place. It never slips. It never fails. But when I sit down at this computer, I take the mask off and place it gently on the table beside me. I type…sometimes silly, sometimes serious, but always, always truly me. And guess what? A person followed my blog. Someone else liked it. And before long, I had a regular connection with a fine group of people. None of them ran screaming…well, some probably did, but who needs them? But people are getting to know me, and they are actually sticking around. This is an amazing gift.
So yes, I feel closer to you than people who actually know me. But maybe, just maybe, I will take a peek from around the mask and let someone see a tiny part of me.
I am a Lying, Sarcastic, Bitch…Want to be My Friend? August 4, 2012
Okay, so here is my vent for the day…
I am a bitch today. At least I am a quiet bitch. Maybe a depressed bitch.
I have been very withdrawn for the past couple of days. Since returning from the beach, I haven’t gone anywhere (other than to the store to buy needed items). I also haven’t been on Facebook…mainly because I am so sick of reading about stupid American politics, Chick-fil-a christians (homophobic bastards in my opinion), and game requests for games I’ve never heard of and will never play! I have, however, continued to try to post…something…daily on my two blogs on WordPress. For some reason, that remains an important connection for me.
I think I have withdrawn because I feel depressed and angry. I am still seething over J, my daughter. (J, age 25, has bipolar, an eating disorder, OCD, anxiety, and ADD. She is currently unable to live on her own and so lives with me and hubs). She has a STD (for the second time, mind you) and seems like it’s no big deal. She is so broke, she couldn’t even afford the doctor or the antibiotic so she borrowed the money from me. Again. I get quiet when I feel that kind of anger because I know if I let it out it only makes things worse. Being angry with someone with bipolar AND an eating disorder is tricky; you set them off and the reaction can be deadly.
I also get angry with hubs. I don’t often talk about him on here; I have very mixed feelings about him. All of the hardships I have gone through with J, I have weathered alone, I have made all the decisions, I have cried all the tears. He works. And fishes. And hides out in his garage when things get bad. After almost 30 years of marriage it seems harder now than before. I continue to hide my own mental health problems from him. Why? Because despite everything, he is my husband. We have a long history, and he accepted me at a time when I was in a bad place. Do I see us staying together? No. He is totally unable to understand even a small part of what J goes through. When he finds out I have the same issues and I have hidden them from him, it will be over. I am preparing myself for that. I know I will be okay alone. Being alone does not bother me. I have been dishonest with him about so many things, I know there is no going back. I am now at the point of No Return.
So how is hubs with J? He thinks she should be able to “control” her depression that puts her in bed for weeks at a time. She should “just get up and DO something”. When she is manic she spends her money frivolously, getting tattoos, taking every friend out to eat, and buying impractical gifts…BEFORE paying bills that are due. Hubs again thinks this is a character flaw that she should be able to control with will power. He met with the doctors. He has been in therapy sessions. He has heard it explained over and over again. He is one of those people who will never get it. I am a buffer between the two of them and it is HARD.
Would it be better if I just left him? I don’t have the energy. And the thought of dealing with J, who will fall apart, is draining. I also have no money whatsoever, and it takes money and a plan to leave. And I know J will go with me. I would not leave her here with him. So I will stay, at least for now, because it is all I can do.
I am also lonely. I have realized lately that I no longer have
any many friends. I am very social and well-liked in my community, but I have made such a habit of protecting my heart that I don’t let myself get too close to anyone. If I feel someone getting close, I back off. I shut down. They are left wondering what they did wrong, but it’s really just me. Many years of protecting my heart has left me protected, but lonely. I have protected myself so well, no one even knows me. So if you don’t know me, you cannot love me. Or hurt me.
Yeah, so here I am; a lonely, depressed bitch. Want to be my friend? Hahahaha Sounds like the plot for a lame movie. Really, if you met me, I would seem upbeat and outgoing. I have a sarcastic and sharp sense of humor. I am great with animals and kids. Younger people gravitate toward me. I’m not sure why, really, but I think because I take them seriously and I listen. I’m a great listener. You would never, not in a million years, think that I had mental issues that I struggle with on a daily basis. I am very, very good at wearing a mask.
So, I am a coward. I live like I do because I don’t have the courage to let the world see ME. The REAL ME. I didn’t do it on purpose. I just kind of evolved this way by living up to expectations of others. By trying to be Wonder Woman, and Super Mom, and Super Wife, and Super Daughter, and Super Employee. It is what I thought I HAD to do, you see. So I did…for many years. I hid my mania….I was just in a ‘great mood’ or feeling ‘silly’. I also explained it away because of the drugs and alcohol, back in the day…I hid the spending…no one ever knew….When the depression hit, I was ‘sick’…had a lot of work to do (I work a lot on the computer, so I could explain sitting around as long as I had my computer)…then when J started having problems, any of my problems could be easily explained…of course I was a wreck; look what I was dealing with!!
Life sure is funny. I dislike deception, and I am the most dishonest person I know.
And the Award Goes to….You, the Reader! July 31, 2012
I have received not one but TWO awards from two very special people! I know many of you don’t care for awards, but I think they are fun and a way to get to know one another better. So, first let me thank Crazy Bean Rider for selecting me for the “Seven Things” award (Is it an award? It is if I decide to see it that way because perception is reality!) She is blessed with a writing gift and I enjoy what she shares.
1. Thank the blogger who nominated you. THANK YOU CRAZY BEAN!!
2. Share seven things about you.
3. Nominate other bloggers you think deserve the award, and post on their blog to let them know they have been nominated.
Seven Things About Me
1. No one knows that I write poetry.
2. I’m very artistic, but my house is very plain. Most things I create I give away. I don’t know why I don’t decorate my home with my crafts. When I see paintings/art I created hanging on the walls in someone’s house, it startles me.
3. Strong, black coffee is a must. No questions. Just. a. must.
4. I love riding motorcycles, but I don’t drive my own. It’s not that I can’t, I would rather ride on the back so I can take pictures and look around. My favorite thing to do is fly down a curvy road on the edge of a mountain cliff.
5. I have a nice, luxury car, but I prefer to drive the old ’94 four-wheel drive Blazer. It’s more me.
6. My goal is to sell everything I own, buy a nice RV camper, and live the rest of my life in a campground.
7. I am considering getting my master’s degree. I just need to get my head right first.
The second award comes from my good friend, Dot. I have a feeling if Dot and I lived near each other, we would hang out regularly! She’s just one of those few people in the world that get it!
Here are the Rules:
1. Thank the giver. THANK YOU, DOT!
2. Post 7 things about yourself.
3. Pass the award on to 7 other bloggers and let them know they’ve been nominated.
4. Include the logo of the award in a post or on your blog.
Seven things about me:
See the list at the top…I’m cheating! I’m also cheating on the passing it on; I don’t know who has received either of these, or who would even want to take part, so I’m leaving it up to you, dear reader; if you follow me and want to accept, you are nominated!
What’s Love Got to Do With It? July 15, 2012
She moaned in pleasure as his hand gently cupped her breast. Their kiss deepened and another moan escaped her lips. Just when she thought she would explode, he….
What is love? Is it out of control hot sex? Is it remembering her birthday? Is it dinner and a movie, and then (hopefully) out of control hot sex? Can you love someone and NOT have sex? There are so many levels of love, and I’m not even talking about the love you feel for your parents, friends, or for your children; I’m talking about what you feel for a significant other.
There’s that moment of butterflies in the pit of your stomach; where every look, every word, is heavy with meaning. The air is thick with electricity when you are near one another. Being apart for too long feels physically painful and your every waking thought is of your love.
There is also that love that comes from shared experiences. When you hear a song, or a phrase, and it means something to the two of you. You look at each other and a certain meaning is conveyed that only the two of you get. You have inside jokes, and you know how to push each other’s buttons. Being together is comforting and sweet.
Love is painful. Only a person you truly love and care about can cut your heart to shreds with words or actions. If you love someone, you open your heart and let them in, making yourself vulnerable. When they lash out at you, the pain is indescribable. But to experience the incredible highs, you must experience the lows. It gives your love depth and meaning.
So what about sex? Sex is a wonderful experience to share with another person. When you have sex with someone you really love, it adds a layer of pleasurable textures that cannot be described. It heightens every touch to a new and wonderful level. Does that mean every single sexual encounter with the one you love is going to make you see fireworks and shooting stars? No, but when you focus on that connection, it can be terrific!
Love is so many things…if you find love, grab hold and hang on! It may not always be rainbows and butterflies, but it will be interesting! (And there will be hot sex at least some of the time!)
I am home again after a lovely vacation. It was a wonderful (and much-needed) break from the reality of life. The posts that I made were all made on my smart
er than me phone, and I had some trouble seeing and replying to comments. I’ve tried to go back and catch up, but if I missed you please know that I am sorry! Also, I had trouble reading all of your posts, so you may see me go back and ‘like’ or comment on things that are two weeks old.
Now I am back on my trusty old laptop. It’s a clunker, but it’s mine and we are comfortable together! It knows how to find the comments, read posts, and catch up on Facebook.
A few weeks ago I started applying all tags and categories that WordPress suggested, just for laughs. I couldn’t do this from my phone while I was away, so today I sat down on the clunker and updated all of my posts. I am seriously sitting here laughing out loud at the suggestions! Here are just a few:
* For my poem, “love”, the suggestions included ‘conditions and diseases’. REALLY, WordPress? Love is a disease now? Reminds me of an old song…
*Also for the poem “Love”, it tagged it with ‘WWE Raw‘. As in wrestling. No comment.
*”My Dear Old Friend”, a poem about a tree, WordPress tagged with ‘cardiovascular disorder’ and ‘Christianity‘. I don’t remember the tree being a christian and having clogged arteries. Maybe it won’t outlive me, after all.
*”Rainey’s Ramblings” had several great suggestions. ‘Pittsburgh Steelers‘ is listed between ‘mental disorder’ and ‘profanity’. Hmmmmm…..
*Another poem I wrote, “Sun and Water: A Haiku”, had some interesting tags as well. How about, ‘Miss Piggy‘, ‘Technology of the Discworld‘ and ‘Variety (magazine)’. I don’t even know what Technology of the Discworld means! And what does Miss Piggy have to do with my fingers dangling in the water? Is WordPress suggesting I am fat?
*One post I made, “Wishing”, was a short post. In fact, this was the ENTIRE post: “Wishing I had peace in my heart. Wishing J could find her center.” What did WordPress come up with? ‘Nonprofit Organization‘, ‘Luke Perry‘, and ‘Activism and Peace Work’.
Wow. As I type all of this on the old clunker, I can’t help but wonder, what will WordPress suggest for this post?
Hiding April 9, 2012
I hide behind colors
splashed across the pure white canvas
used to paint the happiness of a normal life
used to cover the darkness of mine
I hide behind WordPress
an anonymous wordsmith
spilling pain and sorrow onto the screen
broken pieces of me hidden in plain view
I hide behind my smile
created to mask the loneliness
the hollow center
that once was my soul
I hide behind my actions
that get me through each day
smile, talk, laugh, repeat
robotic sameness, my saving grace
I hide behind everything
because hiding is so much easier
than facing the harsh truth
of my reality.