Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Take a Trip with Me! August 2, 2012

Let’s go to the beach, shall we?

You feel the warm breathe of the ocean breeze on your face. When you remove your shoes your toes wiggle and sink into the rough grains of loose sand. Some of the sand clings to your feet as you walk the path between the dunes. The sea grass sways as you stroll by, each one bowing its head as if in honor of your passing through.

As you hike closer to the top of the dunes, you hear the crashing of the ocean as it pounds the sand. The smell of salt infuses your nose and the taste creeps into your mouth as you lick your lips. The sun heats your skin and  you begin to glisten.  You anticipate the refreshing splash of water you soon will feel.

At the top of the dune,  you pause. Stretched out in front of you is the glorious ocean. It swallows the horizon and eats away at the beach. The water is a mix of grays, blues and aquas that dance and play like lovers. White ridges rise to the top and ride the darker hues all the way to the sand, where it crashes into nothingness. You stand and stare in awe.

After gazing for a few more moments, you walk until the thick loose sand becomes flat and packed down by the receding surf. You deposit your blanket and slip off your shirt.  As though mesmerized, you walk straight toward the water. As  you approach, a small wave reaches out and touches your feet. The cool water makes you gasp, but the sun beating down makes it feel delicious. You continue. The next wave is not so gentle and as it slams against your knees you brace your legs for the impact. You feel the sand beneath your feet shift and slide away. A few more steps, and you are up to your thighs. You know the next wave, the one you see building in the distance, will be the one that takes you under. As the white caps rise to the top, forming a towering wall of water, you suck in your breath and close your eyes. The wave crashes over your head and envelopes you in salty coldness as it swirls around you. You rise up and gasp in air, preparing for the next wave.

 

Back From the Beach and My Head Didn’t Explode

I took a quick trip to the beach (just for one night) because I thought my head might explode if I didn’t get out of here for a while. It worked; I am back home, head still in one piece (well, that’s not really true, but it didn’t explode) and slightly refreshed. I really wanted to go somewhere (anywhere) so I could take pictures for my new photo blog I started …click here to see it….I just wanted a place to put pictures only, without any words other than titles.

The beach is my least favorite water to go to this time of year. I really like it in the off-season when it is cool and mostly deserted. But I am glad I went because I got some great pictures I will be sharing in the upcoming weeks.

Another reason I went was to get a break from J. (For new readers, she is my daughter who has an eating disorder, anxiety, bipolar, and OCD. She is 25 and unable to live alone.) She’s had some “female” issues lately. I went with her to the doctor because they found some abnormal cell growth. We went on Tuesday, and they said it was just all the new meds that she was taking. She continued to complain about how she felt and said the doctor was wrong, something else was wrong. J complains so much about health problems (and every other small thing in life) that I sometimes reach a point of needing to scream, hit her, or run away. I ran away (for a day) so I wouldn’t scream or hit her.

As I was driving to the beach, she called and dropped a bombshell. “I think I am pregnant.”

I went temporarily blind and deaf.  All I could see were colors and lights with some darkness around the edges. I could hear my blood pounding in my head. Oh, and I think I threw up just a little.

You cannot begin to imagine what her being pregnant would mean for me. For her. For any of us in this family. But mostly, for me. Damn.

She went back to the doctor and had some more tests done. Results came in today. Do you want the good news or the bad news first? I will start with the good news: SHE IS NOT PREGNANT!!!!!! I am so thankful I could cry. But….the bad news….she has a type of STD. FOR THE SECOND TIME. And, get this, it is NOT from the boyfriend she just had the big breakup with! I am so very angry with her right now. She is sleeping around, again, taking these huge risks with her life (and my life, really) and acts so damn casual about it. I  know, I know….Bipolar  manic stages can make you more promiscuous; she is a 25 year-old with a mind of her own. I know all of this, and yet I am so angry at her. She lives with me (and will forever unless she meets someone who will love her and take care of her) because she cannot live alone. Her anxiety level is too high, she has HUGE money issues, and she just cannot do it. Everything she does, or doesn’t do, affects me as well. She is extremely self-centered and loves to keep drama going on. Right now I just want to kick her in the ass for being so stupid!

Please know, I am just venting. I do not, and will not, get physical with J. I truly love my daughter more than life itself. She can be a kind, caring person. I actually enjoy spending time with her….when we are not in crisis.

I’m glad I went to the beach. It probably saved my head from exploding. I may need to go to the mountains soon…

 

The Moss July 23, 2012

The moss drips from the bough

leaving the tree naked,

raw and exposed

 

The moss floats on the surface

looking at the reflection

that peers back

 

The moss grows more and more weary

as water slowly seeps in

and brings it down

 

The moss allows it to happen

welcomes the water

too weary to fight.

 

Waiting… July 6, 2012

image

Waiting for a boat ride…

 

Water Side July 3, 2012

image

Spending time on the water gives me a peace that I never feel any other time.

image

image

 

Drop Me in the Water July 1, 2012

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ar2VHW1i2w

I am going camping! We found a great campsite by the lake. For the next nine glorious days, I will be burning lounging in the sun, swimming in the lake, and sleeping reading in my chair. Meals will be take-out grilled only. I love camping because it strips away all the distractions and lets me focus on finding my center again. I hope I can teach J (my daughter, see earlier posts) to use this time to nurture herself and refocus as well.

I have no internet access there, so posting and commenting will be limited. I will check in when I can, though, because I have grown to realize how much blogging, and my fellow bloggers, actually mean to me. Talk to  you all soon….

HUGS ~Rainey

PS I am not going to Canada (I wish) but the auto tags included it anyway. WTF??

 

 

Lakeside Therapy

J and her boyfriend broke up and got right back together two weeks ago. (For those who don’t know, J is my oldest daughter who suffers from an eating disorder, Bipolar, anxiety, and OCD). They semi-worked it out, but I could tell it wasn’t the same. J and I talked last night and she admitted that she was unhappy. This time, she broke up with him and she was very firm about it. She expected him to be angry but he cried instead, which really hurt her. She seems to be doing okay, but it is hard to gauge sometimes just how deep the depression is. She has been depressed for about three weeks now, so I am watching her closely.

I cared about her boyfriend, but I love my daughter. I wish him well and hope he does okay. He has issues of his own and I will worry about him, but keeping my daughter safe and alive will always come before anything and anyone. All I want is for her to be happy and healthy. She is terrified that no one will love her and she will be alone the rest of her life. She is emotionally needy and can be draining at times, but J is such a great person. I can see her with an older guy who will nurture her and give her emotional support like she needs.

I fear this summer will be an emotional roller coaster for my daughter and I. It is so hard when two people live together and have mental and emotional ‘issues’ (for lack of a better term). Sometimes it helps to get away and shake up the routine, so we are going for a drive this afternoon. We are going to see if any campsites are available on a nearby lake. If we can find a good spot we will stay for the next ten days or so. It is a BIG holiday in the states this week (4th of July), so I’m not sure we will find a site, but I pray we will. These two ladies need some lakeside therapy time.

 

All Alone with People, Ducks, and Geese May 12, 2012

As always, when I am entering depression I need alone time. I grab my camera, jump in the car, throw in some good music, and drive. I’m not a danger, (I don’t think),  but I go into a fugue state where I zone out for a while and drive by auto-pilot. When I come to, I usually find myself near water. Today was no exception.

I found myself at a small lake on the west side of a nearby town. I sat on the bench and watched the ducks, geese, and people. There was a boy, about three years old, with his grandfather who sat on the hood of the truck and ate McDonald’s. They sat together and watched the ducks while bonding over cheeseburgers and fries. Another man sat with his young son in the car. They had a snack of animal crackers and shared sippy straw juice drinks. After eating, the father carried the son to see the birds up close. The child seemed frightened of the noise the geese made, but interested in seeing them from the safety of his dad’s arms. I watched two people out in the lake fishing from a boat . They seemed content to just fish together without conversation. Maybe there was nothing to say because they just enjoyed the time together. More people stood fishing on a short pier. They, too seemed content to just be together without many words.

I feel invisible when I observe people like this. No one sees me, no one acknowledges me. I am fine with this. Where I live, I am semi-famous, well-known for my job in this small community. I like being able to fade into the background for a change.

 

A Moment to Savor April 11, 2012

It is cold here. Bitter, biting winds tug at my clothes and whip my long hair into my eyes. Impatiently I tuck the loose strands back under the baseball hat that I’ve pulled down low to shield my eyes from the bright sunlight. I peer into the window of a café, but it, like all the other shops, is closed. This ‘blink in the road’ place is a tourist town, but this is the off-season. It’s like walking the set of a modern-day western. I imagine tumbleweeds and a gunslinger as a chill creeps up my spine. A sound draws my attention and I see another living human…taking out the trash. Well, I think to myself, I’m not in a bad western, I just have a great imagination. A wooden walkway catches my attention, so I venture off the sidewalk. It leads me to a large wooden sign that says “Riverwalk”. I decide to take a look.

I step carefully down the trail. It is a series of curving steps made of river rock, sand, and timber. In some places I see colorful pieces of broken glass buried in the sand. Green climbing vines cover a rock wall on one side.  The trail winds to the left and then turns sharply to the right. As I make the last turn I begin to hear the sound that calls my soul: the sound of flowing water. My step quickens until I come to a clearing. There, in front of me, is the source of the wondrous sound. This river is narrow, only about 20 feet wide, but filled with thousands of boulders of all sizes. The crystal clear water rushes over the smaller boulders leaving swirls and bubbles in its wake. The larger boulders block the path of the water, so it meanders around them. This all creates the gurgling sounds that bring a certain peace to my mind and soul. I sink down on the surface of a cold flat boulder and close my eyes. I drink in the sound and let it fill me. It is warmer here because the trees and boulders block the fierce wind. The sun shines golden rays on my face and I inhale deeply. When I open my eyes, I look up and see a towering mountain that rises up sharply, with the base beginning at the far side of the river. Most of the mountain has trees with sparse green leaves just beginning to open. As my eyes climb, I see bald slabs of granite near the peak. The beauty of it takes my breath away. This feeling, this calm, that I have in this moment, I want to keep forever.

Bad times must happen. We all must have the “down times” in life to appreciate the good times. But for some of us, myself included, the “downs” are sometimes so debilitating they are dangerous. Today I want to write about a good time, a moment to savor, so that I can revisit and remember. There are good times. These are the days worth living for.

 

Calming Waters April 6, 2012

The calming waters always make me feel better.