Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Breathe December 7, 2013

I don’t know where this came from; it was one of those anonymous internet finds. I am re-posting because this is TRUTH, and hard to remember.

 

English: Fingerprints on a glass of water made...

English: Fingerprints on a glass of water made visible by total internal reflection (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they’d be asked the “half empty or half full” question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: “How heavy is this glass of water?” Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz. She replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long I …hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.” She continued, “The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed – incapable of doing anything.” It’s important to remember to “let go” of your stresses at the end of the day ….and just breathe…

 

 

Happy September 4, 2013

Filed under: about me,all,musings,personal,thoughts — rainey46 @ 7:45 pm
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Give yourself permission to be happy, then just be.

 

Take Charge January 27, 2013

Take Charge

 

Enjoy the Moment January 25, 2013

The weather is bitterly cold and I am loving it. I am home early from work and already huddled on the couch in my comfy clothes wrapped in a blanket. My “grandpups” are here to visit, as is my youngest daughter, S. She is watching a movie with her dad, and I am just enjoying the moment.

I’m trying to do more of that: enjoying the moment. I live so much inside my own head that it is hard sometimes to just be “present” in the here and now. I miss all the little joys of life when I’m not focused on the moment. Today I noticed how fresh the cold air felt and smelled. The smile of a coworker that I felt in my heart. The love radiating from my dog when he gazes into my eyes first thing in the morning. The warmth and taste of the first sip of coffee in the morning. I noticed the comforting feel of the keys beneath my fingers as I type reports (or blogs).  These little, insignificant moments are what make up life.

A coworker did something unexpected  today. She walked into my office, threw her arms around me, and gave me a big hug. It felt really nice. I laughed and asked her who was that for, me or her? She laughed and said, “Both.” It was so sweet, and after the way I have felt lately, it made my day. You never know what you might do or say that will mean the world to someone else.

 

Land of Numb January 3, 2013

anger surges through my veins

pulsing, red-hot rage, then… gone

to the stark and barren Land of Numb

~

time drips by until I awaken once more

my skin crawls with unspent emotions

pulled tightly, it barely contains me

~

emotions flood the my landscape

tears converged on mascara-smeared lids

ready to free fall across pale cheeks

~

but before the waterfall can erupt, my brain recedes

to the foggy, safe Land of Numb

where emotions cease to exist once again

 

 

me 012c

 

 

 

 

Ramblings of Rainey January 2, 2013

Filed under: about me,all,musings,personal,thoughts,work — rainey46 @ 7:09 pm
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Back to the trenches today. It was nice to have some time off for the holidays, but since I enjoy having a roof over my head and food on the table I had to return to work today. It wasn’t bad, really. I enjoy working, I just don’t enjoy getting up at 5:00 am every day. I WILL go to bed early tonight!

J (my daughter) is extremely manic today. She is sometimes aggressive (not physically) toward me when she is manic, and today was no exception. I try to stay calm but I don’t always do a good job. Sometimes I just want to scream LEAVE ME ALONE! I HAD A LONG DAY, TOO! She gets loud, demanding of attention, and talks like a whirlwind. If you try to calm her or do anything else she gets angry and it just gets worse. Some days, even when she’s NOT depressed, are just hard. Many days are hard, actually.

Do you ever wish you could stop the clock and spend some time doing things you WANT or NEED to do? I would write, take photographs, draw, make jewelry, paint…anything creative! There is never enough time in the day for all I want to do. While at work today, my mind kept drifting….thinking about something I want to write, or pictures I could take. It is almost like a drug to me because it calms my nerves and makes me happy. It’s too bad I can’t retire early and create things for the rest of my life!

I realize this is a very rambling post, but my brain feels “rambly” today. (Yes, spell check told me rambly is not a word, but it fits, so it stays.) There are things I want to say, but they all feel very disconnected. I think dealing with J has set me a little lot on edge.

 

Steps Into the New Unknown Day December 21, 2012

tw-sign6

 

The doctor in the ER told me just how close J came to really dying this time. She took 1/2 bottle of Xanax and washed it down with Tequila. If she hadn’t started vomiting like she did, she would have died.  If she hadn’t panicked and sent us all goodbye texts, she would have died. If she hadn’t been on her side, she would have drowned in her own vomit.

The night she almost died, I never cried. The next day in the ER, I still didn’t cry. I never even felt the urge. I thought it was because I have been through this so many times that I had no tears left. I thought it was because of the antidepressants that I take.

Today, two days after the fact, I had a break down. I began violently shaking and losing focus on the world around me. Breathing became difficult. Thinking rational thoughts was impossible. After ten minutes that felt like a century, it passed. My breathing became normal and my hands stopped trembling.

Every day I wake up and wonder if this will be the day. Is this the day she kills herself? Is this the day my mind finally snaps because it cannot take another moment living like this? Is this the day hubs walks out because he cannot handle life with a bipolar daughter and batshit-crazy wife?

But every morning, as these thoughts pass through my brain, I think about the other what-ifs: What if this is a day of laughter and joy? What if this day finds J happy, but not manic? What if this day is just an average,  normal day in the life of my not-so-normal family?

This thinking allows me to swing my legs over and step into the new, unknown day.
Steps to the Unknown

 

Life Break December 3, 2012

Boy and girl play ping-pong, circa 1950

Boy and girl play ping-pong, circa 1950 (Photo credit: Center for Jewish History, NYC)

Some days, I don’t have anything to say. Or rather, I have so much to say that I don’t know what to say! Today is one of those days. My thoughts are bouncing around in my brain like a ping-pong ball. So I guess today I will ramble.

  • My dog is sick. She has diarrhea and it is lasting much too long. I really have no money to take her to the vet, but I may not have any choice. I have called the vet and he said to try canned pumpkin to see if it helps. I pray she is better soon.
  • My daughter, J, is sick. She has a cold. She acts as if the world is ending. I have no pity.
  • It is December 3. DID YOU HEAR ME? DECEMBER 3rd ALREADY??!! I am not ready for Christmas. I have no spirit. I have no tree. I have no money. I have no desire to craft any gifts. <sigh>
  • I’m not really in a funk. Well, not totally. But I can feel the darkness, hovering just out of sight. I have fought it with all of my might, trying to hold it off. I think I’m losing the battle.
  • You know what I really want to do? Curl up in a ball in the center of my big comfy bed, and let someone else take care of everything. I would like to be able to just “be”. No demands, no problems, no fake cheer.
  • I cannot fall asleep at night. I lay there, tossing and turning, until finally I drift off. When the alarm screams at me, it feels as if I am in a coma and I fight to wake up and stay awake.

I need a life break.

 

Rainey’s Ramblings July 8, 2012

More ramblings from the mind of Rainey…

*If we are so smart, how do animals know of impending storms or disasters before we do?
*Why do humans have internal organs that we don’t really need? Will future humans be born without these unneeded organs as humans evolve?
*Why are the males in the animal world the flashy ones? Women, where did WE go wrong? ( Don’t know about you, but I would give up make-up)
*If I had never tasted sugar and I tasted it now, would I dislike it?
*Do animals suffer from mental disorders? If so, how do the other animals treat them?
*Why do we assign power to some words ( curse words), then get upset when kids say them? They are just words….sounds…they mean whatever we say they mean.
*Why do we base everything we do on the almighty dollar: a worthless piece of paper! Wouldn’t it be easier to barter for what we need?
*Who ever looked at a clown and thought it would be a great idea to have at a CHILD’S party? Those guys are creepy as hell! (No offence, Le Clown)
*Why does society want to medicate every unique trait we have? Are we aiming for conformity, or a ‘superior race’ (is Hitler back?) of dullness?
*Why do some people who dislike children become teachers?
~ ~ ~
Just some thoughts I’ve had today that I thought I would share.

image

 

Alone with My Thoughts July 7, 2012

I wonder…
If I lived by the water, would I still feel that sense of peace I get now when I sit by a body of water?
Why so many people intentionally try to hurt ( emotionally and physically) others?
What people really see when they look at me?
Why is sand so soft, when it is really just tiny rocks?
Why I spent my life accumulating so much ” stuff” that I now wish I didn’t have?
What would happen if I just disappeared and started a whole new life?
Why are most bathing suits so uncomfortable?
How can anyone harm an animal?
Why am I here? What is my purpose?
Why bad foods taste so good?
Why innocent children are raped, diseased, or murdered? What is the point?
Why do we most humans look at movie stars as idols, and yet police, firefighters, and teachers are seldom appreciated and usually low paid?
Why nature is so beautiful, but humans continue to destroy it?
Why smoking weed is illegal, but tobacco and alcohol are not?
( Just for the record, I’ve had none of the above…today…lol)
I guess I’m in a strange mood. I just have all of these random thoughts bouncing in my head; some serious, some not so much.  When I am alone with my thoughts, this is what happens! Kind of scary, huh? What are some of your ” I wonder…” thoughts?