Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Breathe December 7, 2013

I don’t know where this came from; it was one of those anonymous internet finds. I am re-posting because this is TRUTH, and hard to remember.

 

English: Fingerprints on a glass of water made...

English: Fingerprints on a glass of water made visible by total internal reflection (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they’d be asked the “half empty or half full” question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: “How heavy is this glass of water?” Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz. She replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long I …hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.” She continued, “The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed – incapable of doing anything.” It’s important to remember to “let go” of your stresses at the end of the day ….and just breathe…

 

 

Happy September 4, 2013

Filed under: about me,all,musings,personal,thoughts — rainey46 @ 7:45 pm
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Give yourself permission to be happy, then just be.

 

Take Charge January 27, 2013

Take Charge

 

Enjoy the Moment January 25, 2013

The weather is bitterly cold and I am loving it. I am home early from work and already huddled on the couch in my comfy clothes wrapped in a blanket. My “grandpups” are here to visit, as is my youngest daughter, S. She is watching a movie with her dad, and I am just enjoying the moment.

I’m trying to do more of that: enjoying the moment. I live so much inside my own head that it is hard sometimes to just be “present” in the here and now. I miss all the little joys of life when I’m not focused on the moment. Today I noticed how fresh the cold air felt and smelled. The smile of a coworker that I felt in my heart. The love radiating from my dog when he gazes into my eyes first thing in the morning. The warmth and taste of the first sip of coffee in the morning. I noticed the comforting feel of the keys beneath my fingers as I type reports (or blogs).  These little, insignificant moments are what make up life.

A coworker did something unexpected  today. She walked into my office, threw her arms around me, and gave me a big hug. It felt really nice. I laughed and asked her who was that for, me or her? She laughed and said, “Both.” It was so sweet, and after the way I have felt lately, it made my day. You never know what you might do or say that will mean the world to someone else.

 

Land of Numb January 3, 2013

anger surges through my veins

pulsing, red-hot rage, then… gone

to the stark and barren Land of Numb

~

time drips by until I awaken once more

my skin crawls with unspent emotions

pulled tightly, it barely contains me

~

emotions flood the my landscape

tears converged on mascara-smeared lids

ready to free fall across pale cheeks

~

but before the waterfall can erupt, my brain recedes

to the foggy, safe Land of Numb

where emotions cease to exist once again

 

 

me 012c

 

 

 

 

Ramblings of Rainey January 2, 2013

Filed under: about me,all,musings,personal,thoughts,work — rainey46 @ 7:09 pm
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Back to the trenches today. It was nice to have some time off for the holidays, but since I enjoy having a roof over my head and food on the table I had to return to work today. It wasn’t bad, really. I enjoy working, I just don’t enjoy getting up at 5:00 am every day. I WILL go to bed early tonight!

J (my daughter) is extremely manic today. She is sometimes aggressive (not physically) toward me when she is manic, and today was no exception. I try to stay calm but I don’t always do a good job. Sometimes I just want to scream LEAVE ME ALONE! I HAD A LONG DAY, TOO! She gets loud, demanding of attention, and talks like a whirlwind. If you try to calm her or do anything else she gets angry and it just gets worse. Some days, even when she’s NOT depressed, are just hard. Many days are hard, actually.

Do you ever wish you could stop the clock and spend some time doing things you WANT or NEED to do? I would write, take photographs, draw, make jewelry, paint…anything creative! There is never enough time in the day for all I want to do. While at work today, my mind kept drifting….thinking about something I want to write, or pictures I could take. It is almost like a drug to me because it calms my nerves and makes me happy. It’s too bad I can’t retire early and create things for the rest of my life!

I realize this is a very rambling post, but my brain feels “rambly” today. (Yes, spell check told me rambly is not a word, but it fits, so it stays.) There are things I want to say, but they all feel very disconnected. I think dealing with J has set me a little lot on edge.

 

Steps Into the New Unknown Day December 21, 2012

tw-sign6

 

The doctor in the ER told me just how close J came to really dying this time. She took 1/2 bottle of Xanax and washed it down with Tequila. If she hadn’t started vomiting like she did, she would have died.  If she hadn’t panicked and sent us all goodbye texts, she would have died. If she hadn’t been on her side, she would have drowned in her own vomit.

The night she almost died, I never cried. The next day in the ER, I still didn’t cry. I never even felt the urge. I thought it was because I have been through this so many times that I had no tears left. I thought it was because of the antidepressants that I take.

Today, two days after the fact, I had a break down. I began violently shaking and losing focus on the world around me. Breathing became difficult. Thinking rational thoughts was impossible. After ten minutes that felt like a century, it passed. My breathing became normal and my hands stopped trembling.

Every day I wake up and wonder if this will be the day. Is this the day she kills herself? Is this the day my mind finally snaps because it cannot take another moment living like this? Is this the day hubs walks out because he cannot handle life with a bipolar daughter and batshit-crazy wife?

But every morning, as these thoughts pass through my brain, I think about the other what-ifs: What if this is a day of laughter and joy? What if this day finds J happy, but not manic? What if this day is just an average,  normal day in the life of my not-so-normal family?

This thinking allows me to swing my legs over and step into the new, unknown day.
Steps to the Unknown