Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Photos, Adventures, and Thinking: Recipe for a Great Day January 12, 2013

It was a beautiful day for an adventure. I traveled far, but didn’t get as many shots as I wanted. I’m okay with that, though, because the journey itself was soothing and somewhat restored my good spirits. Traveling gives me time to ponder many of life’s questions, and reflect on the problems in my soul. More on some of my thoughts later. For now I will say: I realized I have spent too much of my life living for others because I thought it was the “right” thing to do. Thinking of my own needs only made me feel selfish. I must work to change that mindset because it makes me miserable and only enables others to be more dependent on me. That may seem simple to you, but it is a life-changing thought for me.

It has been a long and lovely day.

Amber Waves and Blue Skys

 

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Baby Steps to Change January 10, 2013

I’ve been home from work for two days, sick to my stomach. I don’t know if I have a virus or if it is just my nerves and anxiety. Either way, I feel like total poo. I’ve done nothing but sleep. I just took a shower (at noon on day 2) and I feel shaky and worn out. I tried to do a little house cleaning (because no one else in this house ever picks up the slack when I am sick) but I’m too shaky for that right now. Maybe later I will feel like it.

So here I am, back to writing. My dogs curled up against me just as they always are when they sense I am down. Other than the dogs, I am home alone. The weather is gentle today and I have the blinds open so I can see the world. Pandora (radio) is off, as is the television, so it is quiet. I’m trying to give myself a little peace so that I can get my thoughts together.

I’ve thought, in between dreaming, of the comments from my post yesterday. You are all such great people to give a complete stranger (one who is bonkers on top of that :D) such thoughtful responses. It is so easy to get lost in the everydayness of my life. When I put my bald thoughts (I call them bald because I write straight from my heart, no holding back, no editing) down for you to see, you respond with kindness, and love, and empathy. I am showing you, people I don’t even know, the darkest corners of my blackest heart, and you are NICE to me. That is the most incredible gift.

And you give me much to think about. There are parts of my heart that feel wholesome and good. I can see that part of me at times and it feels…right. Other times I cannot see through the murky darkness and it is as if my very soul is black. I watch the nightly news and it bothers me when I see the damage that humans are capable of doing to one another…I am afraid that in my blackest corner I am capable of those same horrors. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t ever think of hurting others, but I am a damaged human and so are those who commit the horrors, therefore….you see where I am going. And I know, I know, I can hear my logic professor (and many of you) screaming “Faulty logic!!”. It’s just how my mind works. I see these people who murder or steal or hurt others and I know they are making bad choices just as I am. Mine are not THAT bad, of course, but that is just shades of grey (not the book). My choices are still hurtful to some, but mostly to myself because I am so aware of it. I am very aware of my faults and shortcomings but have trouble seeing the good in me. When I look in the mirror, I see the ugliness inside.

I am a constant work in progress. I am becoming who I am. This I know.  Now it is time to take those baby steps to change. This is the next part of my journey.

 

 

 

 

Out of Focus and Stressed Out January 4, 2013

Filed under: about me,all,anxiety,personal,random,self-harm,thoughts,work — rainey46 @ 7:07 pm
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I’m having great difficulty staying focused lately. At work today, I would have a thought process and decide to do something, and then immediately forget what it was I intended to do. My entire body is tense; falling asleep is impossible without pharmaceutical aide. I feel like a wire stretched so tightly that one touch will cause me to break.

This is a "thought bubble". It is an...

This is a “thought bubble”. It is an illustration depicting thought. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Why is my anxiety level so high? What has me so on edge? I don’t know, but I want it to stop. I need it to go away.  There is nothing major stressing me out at the moment. J seems to have leveled out, at least for now. I enjoy these reprieves when I get them. Money (lack of) is an ongoing concern, maybe that’s it. Bills overwhelm me so much at times it causes instant suicidal thoughts. What’s my life worth? The $50,000-80,000 it would take to get me out of debt? I wish I had a way to quickly earn some money because the medical bills and college loans (still paying for J, even though I had to bring her home when bipolar raised its ugly head) have taken over my life.

 

All I want, all I have ever wanted, is for both of my daughters to be happy and live a decent life. For me, I want less stress and more happiness, or at least comfort, in my own life. Is that too much to hope for? Apparently so. Why does everything need to be so hard for me lately?

 

 

 

 

Steps Into the New Unknown Day December 21, 2012

tw-sign6

 

The doctor in the ER told me just how close J came to really dying this time. She took 1/2 bottle of Xanax and washed it down with Tequila. If she hadn’t started vomiting like she did, she would have died.  If she hadn’t panicked and sent us all goodbye texts, she would have died. If she hadn’t been on her side, she would have drowned in her own vomit.

The night she almost died, I never cried. The next day in the ER, I still didn’t cry. I never even felt the urge. I thought it was because I have been through this so many times that I had no tears left. I thought it was because of the antidepressants that I take.

Today, two days after the fact, I had a break down. I began violently shaking and losing focus on the world around me. Breathing became difficult. Thinking rational thoughts was impossible. After ten minutes that felt like a century, it passed. My breathing became normal and my hands stopped trembling.

Every day I wake up and wonder if this will be the day. Is this the day she kills herself? Is this the day my mind finally snaps because it cannot take another moment living like this? Is this the day hubs walks out because he cannot handle life with a bipolar daughter and batshit-crazy wife?

But every morning, as these thoughts pass through my brain, I think about the other what-ifs: What if this is a day of laughter and joy? What if this day finds J happy, but not manic? What if this day is just an average,  normal day in the life of my not-so-normal family?

This thinking allows me to swing my legs over and step into the new, unknown day.
Steps to the Unknown