I’ve been home from work for two days, sick to my stomach. I don’t know if I have a virus or if it is just my nerves and anxiety. Either way, I feel like total poo. I’ve done nothing but sleep. I just took a shower (at noon on day 2) and I feel shaky and worn out. I tried to do a little house cleaning (because no one else in this house ever picks up the slack when I am sick) but I’m too shaky for that right now. Maybe later I will feel like it.
So here I am, back to writing. My dogs curled up against me just as they always are when they sense I am down. Other than the dogs, I am home alone. The weather is gentle today and I have the blinds open so I can see the world. Pandora (radio) is off, as is the television, so it is quiet. I’m trying to give myself a little peace so that I can get my thoughts together.
I’ve thought, in between dreaming, of the comments from my post yesterday. You are all such great people to give a complete stranger (one who is bonkers on top of that :D) such thoughtful responses. It is so easy to get lost in the everydayness of my life. When I put my bald thoughts (I call them bald because I write straight from my heart, no holding back, no editing) down for you to see, you respond with kindness, and love, and empathy. I am showing you, people I don’t even know, the darkest corners of my blackest heart, and you are NICE to me. That is the most incredible gift.
And you give me much to think about. There are parts of my heart that feel wholesome and good. I can see that part of me at times and it feels…right. Other times I cannot see through the murky darkness and it is as if my very soul is black. I watch the nightly news and it bothers me when I see the damage that humans are capable of doing to one another…I am afraid that in my blackest corner I am capable of those same horrors. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t ever think of hurting others, but I am a damaged human and so are those who commit the horrors, therefore….you see where I am going. And I know, I know, I can hear my logic professor (and many of you) screaming “Faulty logic!!”. It’s just how my mind works. I see these people who murder or steal or hurt others and I know they are making bad choices just as I am. Mine are not THAT bad, of course, but that is just shades of grey (not the book). My choices are still hurtful to some, but mostly to myself because I am so aware of it. I am very aware of my faults and shortcomings but have trouble seeing the good in me. When I look in the mirror, I see the ugliness inside.
I am a constant work in progress. I am becoming who I am. This I know. Now it is time to take those baby steps to change. This is the next part of my journey.