Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Just Right January 31, 2013

Yesterday was tough, but J made it through. I lay in bed and snuggled with her at the end of the day. Sometimes I just hold her, because I have nothing more to offer. I feel so incompetent. I’m the mother, you know? The one who can leap tall buildings, wipe the tears, kiss the boo-boo, and make everything better; all while cooking dinner and folding a load of clothes, of course. But this- this is something I cannot fix. So I hold her, murmur soft, meaningless words, and WILL her to feel better.

She finally fell asleep. This morning, she was still shaky, but decided to go to work. She sent me a text two hours later saying that she was feeling better.

Just like that: crisis diverted. Or delayed. Because it will happen; it will be back. But for now, I will enjoy this moment. She is smiling, not too much, not too little, but just right.

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Wandering Photographer January 6, 2013

I took a friend’s advice and took the day off yesterday…with my camera. ( Thanks for the idea, Hannah…BTW, you can meet Hannah here…she’s worth following, trust me.) I actually went for a long ride…traveling through three states…and took pictures along the way.  Nothing planned; if it was something that caught my eye, I stopped and clicked away. I know locals were driving by thinking, “What the hell? That chick must be cray cray…she’s standing beside a busy highway taking pictures of the old Jenkins house”…..but I DON’T CARE! It was fabulous! It was entertaining! And I saw some great things. This may need to be my new weekend hobby! See more of my photo adventures on my photo blog…Rainey’s View, if you care to look. 🙂

“What are you doing this weekend? Want to go to the mall or Target to look at stuff we cannot afford to buy?”

“No, I’ve got plans to fill my car up with gold gas and drive around to find broken down buildings, fields full of cows and cow shit, and graffiti covered trains to photograph. Want to go? I only got chased once by that pissed-off farmer with the gun….and that angry bull when I tried to get up close and personal. It’s lots of fun.”

And I wonder why I have no close friends.

On the Farm

 

Steps Into the New Unknown Day December 21, 2012

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The doctor in the ER told me just how close J came to really dying this time. She took 1/2 bottle of Xanax and washed it down with Tequila. If she hadn’t started vomiting like she did, she would have died.  If she hadn’t panicked and sent us all goodbye texts, she would have died. If she hadn’t been on her side, she would have drowned in her own vomit.

The night she almost died, I never cried. The next day in the ER, I still didn’t cry. I never even felt the urge. I thought it was because I have been through this so many times that I had no tears left. I thought it was because of the antidepressants that I take.

Today, two days after the fact, I had a break down. I began violently shaking and losing focus on the world around me. Breathing became difficult. Thinking rational thoughts was impossible. After ten minutes that felt like a century, it passed. My breathing became normal and my hands stopped trembling.

Every day I wake up and wonder if this will be the day. Is this the day she kills herself? Is this the day my mind finally snaps because it cannot take another moment living like this? Is this the day hubs walks out because he cannot handle life with a bipolar daughter and batshit-crazy wife?

But every morning, as these thoughts pass through my brain, I think about the other what-ifs: What if this is a day of laughter and joy? What if this day finds J happy, but not manic? What if this day is just an average,  normal day in the life of my not-so-normal family?

This thinking allows me to swing my legs over and step into the new, unknown day.
Steps to the Unknown

 

The Breakup and Breakdown July 7, 2012

It’s bad. It’s real bad. My daughter, J and her boyfriend broke up, got back together, and broke up again. She seemed fine at first; we came to the lake, some of her friends came and joined us, and we all had a great time. She rode back home with her friends yesterday. Now, the bipolar depression is kicking her with a vengeance. I am, once again, at a loss. Do I go home? If so, what do I do? I tried to get her to come back up here but she will not do it. Now I am feeling panicked and anxious. I love her but feel like I am drowning myself, then I have to also carry her. I don’t know how many more of these ups and downs I can survive.
My daughter is 25. Will she ever be alright without me? Will I survive myself?

 

My Voice April 3, 2012

I love nature, so most of my paintings are nature themed. Painting makes me happy, but I have been unable to paint for the past few months. When I go into my studio, I just can’t seem to find my painter’s soul. It will come back, I know it will, but I miss it like a dear friend. So even though my painter’s voice is silent, my writer’s voice is alive and well. We all must have a voice, an outlet, of some kind to keep the dark thoughts at bay. What is your voice?