Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Survivor November 26, 2012

Child sexual abuse effects and INFECTS too many lives. It changes the normal path of thinking when a child has to deal with the conflicting feelings that arise.

I was abused more than once. I suffered the guilt, the pain, the shame. I still feel it when it rises up in the middle of the night and threatens to choke me. It is decades later, and I still feel it.

But I survived. I am still here, and I am fighting.

Why? Because after all of this time, I am slowly beginning to think I might be worth it.

A Self-Portrait

 

Just Another Day July 25, 2012

A good friend is coming to visit today. Is it wrong that I want to call her and tell her I’m busy?  It’s not that I don’t want to see her, I actually miss her because I haven’t seen her all summer. But things have been so bad around here with J, I’m not really feeling up to having company. But I also know that is depression talking. T (my friend) always makes me laugh and I know it will be good to see her. She knows more than most about what I go through with J, so I don’t have to hide it. But she is also one of a very few who can read me well, and can see through the front I put on for most. Sometimes that is a good thing, sometimes not so much.

J is going to the psychiatrist in a little while, and hubs has to go to work. I will actually be alone for a bit. There is such relief in being alone. I can just be me. No questions, no problems. I can write, paint, clean, do whatever! Most people don’t like to be alone, but I love it and often crave it.

My mood today is….hmmm…unaffected. Some times my moods are very reactive to the people or situation around me. At other times, I feel like an outside observer watching things happen. That is how I feel now. J is barely functioning: not talking, not eating, extreme irritability; sometimes this sets me on edge or plunges me into deeper depression. Not today; today I am just a bystander in my life, observing with little emotional investment. Maybe this is a way I protect myself. If so, then the armour is up and ready today. If they put J in the hospital it might be the best mood to be in.

 

What’s Love Got to Do With It? July 15, 2012

She moaned in pleasure as his hand gently cupped her breast. Their kiss deepened and another moan escaped her lips. Just when she thought she would explode, he….

What is love? Is it out of control hot sex? Is it remembering her birthday? Is it dinner and a movie, and then (hopefully) out of control hot sex? Can you love someone and NOT have sex? There are so many levels of love, and I’m not even talking about the love you feel for your parents, friends, or for your children; I’m talking about what you feel for a significant other.

There’s that moment of  butterflies in the pit of your stomach; where every look, every word, is heavy with meaning. The air is thick with electricity when you are near one another. Being apart for too long feels physically painful and your every waking thought is of your love.

There is also that love that comes from shared experiences. When you hear a song, or a phrase, and it means something to the two of you. You look at each other and a certain meaning is conveyed that only the two of you get. You have inside jokes, and you know how to push each other’s buttons. Being together is comforting and sweet.

Love is painful. Only a person you truly love and care about can cut your heart to shreds with words or actions. If you love someone, you open your heart and let them in, making yourself vulnerable. When they lash out at you, the pain is indescribable. But to experience the incredible highs, you must experience the lows. It gives your love depth and meaning.

So what about sex? Sex is a wonderful experience to share with another person. When you have sex with someone you really love, it adds a layer of pleasurable textures that cannot be described. It heightens every touch to a new and wonderful level. Does that mean every single sexual encounter with the one you love is going to make you see fireworks and shooting stars? No, but when you focus on that connection, it can be terrific!

Love is so many things…if you find love, grab hold and hang on! It may not always be rainbows and butterflies, but it will be interesting! (And there will be hot sex at least some of the time!)

P.S. I love that WordPress recommended these tags: wine tasting descriptors and Wikipedia….lol

 

The Breakup and Breakdown July 7, 2012

It’s bad. It’s real bad. My daughter, J and her boyfriend broke up, got back together, and broke up again. She seemed fine at first; we came to the lake, some of her friends came and joined us, and we all had a great time. She rode back home with her friends yesterday. Now, the bipolar depression is kicking her with a vengeance. I am, once again, at a loss. Do I go home? If so, what do I do? I tried to get her to come back up here but she will not do it. Now I am feeling panicked and anxious. I love her but feel like I am drowning myself, then I have to also carry her. I don’t know how many more of these ups and downs I can survive.
My daughter is 25. Will she ever be alright without me? Will I survive myself?