Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Steps Into the New Unknown Day December 21, 2012

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The doctor in the ER told me just how close J came to really dying this time. She took 1/2 bottle of Xanax and washed it down with Tequila. If she hadn’t started vomiting like she did, she would have died.  If she hadn’t panicked and sent us all goodbye texts, she would have died. If she hadn’t been on her side, she would have drowned in her own vomit.

The night she almost died, I never cried. The next day in the ER, I still didn’t cry. I never even felt the urge. I thought it was because I have been through this so many times that I had no tears left. I thought it was because of the antidepressants that I take.

Today, two days after the fact, I had a break down. I began violently shaking and losing focus on the world around me. Breathing became difficult. Thinking rational thoughts was impossible. After ten minutes that felt like a century, it passed. My breathing became normal and my hands stopped trembling.

Every day I wake up and wonder if this will be the day. Is this the day she kills herself? Is this the day my mind finally snaps because it cannot take another moment living like this? Is this the day hubs walks out because he cannot handle life with a bipolar daughter and batshit-crazy wife?

But every morning, as these thoughts pass through my brain, I think about the other what-ifs: What if this is a day of laughter and joy? What if this day finds J happy, but not manic? What if this day is just an average,  normal day in the life of my not-so-normal family?

This thinking allows me to swing my legs over and step into the new, unknown day.
Steps to the Unknown

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Alone with My Thoughts July 7, 2012

I wonder…
If I lived by the water, would I still feel that sense of peace I get now when I sit by a body of water?
Why so many people intentionally try to hurt ( emotionally and physically) others?
What people really see when they look at me?
Why is sand so soft, when it is really just tiny rocks?
Why I spent my life accumulating so much ” stuff” that I now wish I didn’t have?
What would happen if I just disappeared and started a whole new life?
Why are most bathing suits so uncomfortable?
How can anyone harm an animal?
Why am I here? What is my purpose?
Why bad foods taste so good?
Why innocent children are raped, diseased, or murdered? What is the point?
Why do we most humans look at movie stars as idols, and yet police, firefighters, and teachers are seldom appreciated and usually low paid?
Why nature is so beautiful, but humans continue to destroy it?
Why smoking weed is illegal, but tobacco and alcohol are not?
( Just for the record, I’ve had none of the above…today…lol)
I guess I’m in a strange mood. I just have all of these random thoughts bouncing in my head; some serious, some not so much.  When I am alone with my thoughts, this is what happens! Kind of scary, huh? What are some of your ” I wonder…” thoughts?