Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Peaceful Morning Thoughts October 26, 2013

It’s quiet here. All I hear is the steady hum of the small heater I have plugged in to combat the morning chill. The entire world, it seems, is still asleep. The birds are still in their nests awaiting the morning light. Not even the distant crow of the rooster can be heard. Even the sun is still in slumber. This quiet moment, for it is just a moment, is one of my favorite times of the day.

I am up early simply to have this moment. I usually try to sleep in on Saturday to catch up on the rest I miss during the busy week. Today having this peaceful time to myself is more important, and much more needed, than extra sleep. I need to “re-center” myself on the important things in life and focus on me for a change. My life gets so out-of-control crazy at times that I literally have to step back, take a breathe, and do some self-reflection.

What is most important to me at this time in my life? Where do I need to focus to have personal growth where I need it? How can I lessen the huge amount of stress I carry on my shoulders? What perceptions do I need to work on? What new short-term and long-term goals do I have? What makes me really happy? What things, ideas, or people do I need to let go from my life to increase my self-worth and happiness?

These are the questions I ask myself. Sometimes when my world is crumbling around me I lose sight of the big picture; my internal compass goes haywire and my sense of purpose is lost. It takes a bit of quiet self-reflection to remind me of who I am. “Perception is reality.” I live by that quote. Sometimes I only need to adjust my perception to become happier. I cannot change the actions, thoughts, or beliefs of those around me, but I can change my perception by examining myself and others.

Hubs is working, J is sleeping. The dogs are still deep in slumber, snuggled against my legs. My fingers are itching to hold a paintbrush. I wonder…what will I create?

 

Good Intentions July 24, 2012

Today started with good intentions, but…

It is disgustingly hot here today. I planned to clean house, work outside on my plants, then go to the back porch (my oasis) to complete some artwork I started earlier this week. I don’t mind the heat so much if I can dress for it (tank top, sports bra, shorts) and have access to water (in this case the sprinkler is the best I can do).

J got up in a pretty good mood with intentions of going grocery shopping, going to the gym, and later hanging out with friends. Within ten minutes her mood plunged and the negative talk started. (Weighing herself was the trigger). I tried reasoning, which I know from experience never works when her moods are like this (but I also feel the need to try for some reason). She them became combative (irritable) which brought out my combative side. I knew it would spiral into a huge argument, so I just told her she needed to call her doctor and work things out with him. She tried pushing my buttons…”I’m thinking of going off all my medicine”…”You don’t love me. I’m just in the way here.”…but I didn’t react. Inside, I was screaming, but I held it in.

I went to Wal-Mart for groceries since I knew she would not make it today. Twenty minutes later, I received a text: “I called the Dr. He can’t see me until tomorrow. I’m afraid to be alone because of what I might do.” A minute passed and I received this text: “I’m sorry I texted you. I know you are tired of me. ”  Thirty seconds later: “Please help me.” I left the ice cream melting in the cart.

I’m now home. J had nothing to say. She is  asleep on the couch and here I sit. I know sleeping is her escape, but at least she is not self-harming. And I will admit that I am glad she is asleep because it eases my burden. I feel like a horrible human and mother, but I cannot help her and I’m glad she is asleep. I’m thankful that I have peace, at least at this moment. When she awakens, I don’t know what to do or say. The well of wisdom is dry and I’m trying to hold my own head above water. How am I supposed to help her?

The horrible thing is she is not even in full-blown crisis. This is just how it is, day in and day out. They have adjusted her meds repeatedly. She and I are both in financial ruin due to the cost of the various medicines, psychiatrist, therapist, and other assorted doctors. If this continues, I will need to place her back in the hospital, and we still own them for the last time she was committed.

So much for good intentions.

 

 

The Randomness of My Brain May 2, 2012

Filed under: about me,blog,blogging,journal,life,random,thoughts — rainey46 @ 5:27 pm
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I have such a random brain. Here are some of my recent, rambling thoughts:

1. Why are there always 3 or 5 blades on a ceiling fan?

2. Why do dryers eat only socks? Why not wash cloths? They are small and thin, and  easy to digest.

3. Why do you only partially fill wine glasses, but you fill a beer mug to the top?

4. Why does coffee smell better than it tastes? (And I am an avid coffee drinker).

5. Speaking of drinks, what is the PURPOSE of drinking a diet, no caffeine soda?

6. Why is it a law (at least in my part of America) that you must wear a seat belt, but a bus load of school children ride without one?

7. When we clean wood surfaces in our homes, why do we call it “dusting”? Shouldn’t it be “undusting or dedusting”?

These are just some thoughts I have when I cannot sleep. What are your random thoughts? (You know you have them, too!) 🙂

 

Filtered Sunlight April 6, 2012

Very few things beat the beauty of sunlight shining through the branches of a tree. I took this photo in Vermont. I stretched out to take a break from traveling and fell asleep on the soft grass. When I awoke, this was my view.