Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Because I Cannot Cry in the Shower, I Wallow in Self-Pity December 22, 2012

I feel like I have a hangover, but I didn’t drink. Is it possible to have some sort of post traumatic response to difficult life events? I am having difficulty doing even the most simple tasks. I feel like I am in a fog of sorts. What is happening?

Every time J tries to kill herself, or does something equally harmful to herself or those who love her, I react during the event with nerves of steel. Nothing she says or does phases me. I am grace under fire. The first few events, I fell apart as soon as it was determined that she would be okay. I would take a shower and sob until my body ran out of tears and the shower ran out of hot water. Then, after many times of crisis, I stopped crying in the shower. I went into robot mode. I continued going through the motions of showering, working, and living. Inside I was numb and cold. I didn’t mean to stop feeling, it just happened. I still stood in the shower and waited for the tears, even tried to make them happen, but they didn’t. Meanwhile, J made it through the trauma and bounced back to normal life. Inside, I seethed with anger that she was back to normal and I would never know normal again.

Today I feel drugged. Last night, J’s friends came over and they hung out and shared some much needed laughter. They were silly and funny, and I enjoyed hearing them. But I am ice inside.

I have no gifts under the tree. I just don’t care. Everyone depends on me to set the tone, the mood for everything in our lives, but I want to curl up and sleep forever. This life is too hard for me right now.

English: Shower

English: Shower (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Writing and my humor are the only things I have left. Bear with me when I wallow in self-pity, will you?

PS I still cannot find my beloved camera. I fear it is gone forever and I cannot afford another one.

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After the Job Training August 8, 2012

Thank you to everyone who wished me luck and sent good thoughts my way! I really appreciate it!

Well….(drum roll, please)…Today went fine. I had an all day training session for my new job and I was nervous about it and about my new job that starts August 17. (I wrote a post about it this morning). All in all, I feel better. I’m NOT the only one who feels lost and overwhelmed; others taking the training today felt the same way.

The scariest part of my job is not knowing exactly what is to be done. I like to know exactly what is to be done, but this job is a little different because I will wear many “hats”. I’m a liaison person; I will be helping various groups of people and bridging the gap between them and the bosses. There are several components to the job, and I will need to address the needs of my people as I see fit. Sometimes I will be training groups of people in new procedures. At times I have to model correct techniques because I am now considered the “expert”. That’s damn scary! I have never felt like an expert at anything I do!

At least the training gave me some ideas of what I am to do. Now, I have my new planner to fill out with all the upcoming meetings and training sessions I have…starting with “Training: Day 2 tomorrow”…

Hope you all, my dear friends, have a great day!

 

I Will Not be Seen on Hoarders August 6, 2012

Closet #2

Closet #2 (Photo credit: lonecellotheory)

Today I felt completely overwhelmed. I decided to go work a little in my office at my new job (it officially starts August 17). I have stacks of  papers, books, and other materials left by the former employee that I am responsible for sorting and organizing. My job is to have it ready for the other employees as they need it. It was a total mess! The previous employee became sick and had been out for almost a year, and it was obvious that others had come and borrowed materials, never bothering to return things to its proper place. Plus, I had my boxes from my last job in storage that I had to move to my new office. Right now the room looks like an episode of “Hoarders” gone wild!

What I wanted to do is sit down and cry. Since that would only serve to make the books and papers damp (and who wants damp books and papers?) I decided to do the only thing I know to do: take pictures and plan. First, I moved everything that I needed into the room. As I did, I grouped like objects together. I then grabbed my camera and took pictures of every stack and every piece of furniture. I made sure to include pictures of the walls and built-in cabinets as well. After taking the pictures, I turned out the light and walked out. Being there without a plan made me anxious and I knew I would not be productive.

Now that I am home, I can use the pictures to figure out the best way to organize the piles of materials. I feel much calmer now that I have a plan of action!

Oh, also, I did something else productive yesterday….I completly cleaned and organized my walk-in closet (Which, by the way, WOULD have qualified me for “Hoarders”).  Yea, me! It feels so good to have that done. I threw out tons of stuff I haven’t worn in years, and I have a huge pile to give to charity. I like things clean and well-organized, so this makes me feel very happy!

I feel quite productive right now! If only I had money, I could go buy clothes to put in that almost empty closet…

 

Permanent State of Chaos July 30, 2012

My new job starts in just 18 days. I don’t know how I feel about it; I guess mixed feelings describes it best. Actually, I haven’t allowed myself to think about it much at all. That’s the way I handle everything that is scary or unpleasant, you see. I put it inside a little box, seal it up tightly, and shove it to a dark corner of my mind. The only time I think about these scary things is late at night when I cannot sleep. Then my mind goes to each of these little boxes (I have hundreds), pops the tape loose and throws all the scary things in one big whirling cyclone. Various items get thrown out and exposed for me to see and worry over. “Unpaid bills”  I have no money, what will I do….. “J is getting closer to the edge” I don’t know how to  help her… “Your closet is a mess” I know, I know, I just need to buckle down and clean it out… “You need to call your mom” I feel so guilty…I should call her more often…”You have a new job to get ready for” I don’t know how to begin…

My mind is in a permanent state of chaos. It is so easy to sit here and say, ” I need to do A, B, and C. If I do these things, I will have less to worry about and less stress.” But I cannot seem to be able to make myself do A, B, or C! Everything, even semi-small tasks, seems too overwhelming. I know this will pass, but it upsets me that I waste so much of my life.

I am trying to take baby steps. I went to my new job today and spent some time sorting the boxes in my office. The former employee left boxes and boxes of supplies and materials and it is my job to sort it…before I move my own belongings in. It is extremely hot here (again) today, and the air conditioner was not on, so I didn’t stay long. It felt good to have something accomplished and to get out of the house. Baby steps, right?

Now I am back home with several hours before bed. I still need to make supper (something quick and easy, I think; it’s too hot for anything elaborate), but I have time to do something else. Maybe I will call my mom just to say hello. Then, I could clean just one shelf in my closet. One shelf wouldn’t be so bad, would it? If I do that, maybe, just maybe, the chaos in my mind would not be so bad tonight.

 

Simple Things July 15, 2012

There are  many simple things in life that make me smile and fill we with happiness. At times, these little things are what help me through really rough moments. Here are a few of those things:

  • Flowers, but especially daisies; they are such happy flowers!
  • Dogs and cats…really ANY animal
  • Hummingbirds drinking from the feeders I have out
  •  A clean kitchen sink…weird, I know, but it makes me happy!
  • Fresh sheets (dried outside, of course) on my bed
  • Turning on the radio and hearing a GREAT song
  • A cool shower after a hot day
  • Seeing leaves fall in autumn
  • Being near a body of water…ocean, lake, creek…
  • Looking at beautiful art
  • Rain…I LOVE a rainy day
  • Old buildings…they have such history!
  • SNOW
  • Sitting by the fire pit on a cold day
  • Getting a message from someone special
  • Capturing a great photo
  • Reading a good book; one that leaves me with a satisfied feeling when I finish reading it

What are some simple things that make you happy?

 

Red Shoes: A Song July 13, 2012

I walked along the yellow bricks

until my soles were worn out

met some weird and strange people

but my heart remained filled with doubt.

~

Babe, I’m no longer in Kansas

those fancy red shoes are a lie

I clicked, but ain’t goin nowhere

So I’ll just sit down here and cry.

~

Searching for life’s answers

I ran from home on a stormy day

Not knowing what I wanted

I’ve roamed so very far away.

~

Babe, I’m no longer in Kansas

those fancy red shoes are a lie

I clicked, but ain’t goin nowhere

So I’ll just sit down here and cry.

~

I’ve broadened my horizons

but I’m no closer than before

I’m still looking and searching

there’s got to be something more.

~

Babe, I’m no longer in Kansas

those fancy red shoes are a lie

I clicked, but ain’t goin nowhere

So I’ll just sit down here and cry.

~

Ruby slippers aren’t the answer

there’s no magic left for me

I’ll keep searching this world over

’til it all makes sense to me.

~

Babe, I’m no longer in Kansas

those fancy red shoes are a lie

I clicked, but ain’t goin nowhere

So I’ll just sit down here and cry.

~

Babe, I’m no longer in Kansas

those fancy red shoes are a lie

I clicked, but ain’t goin nowhere

So I’ll just sit down here and cry.

 

Dear Daddy: Of Oysters, Soldering Irons, Fishing, and Love June 17, 2012

Alternative versions of Superman

Alternative versions of Superman (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Dear Daddy,

You were the first man in my life. The good news is you gave me the love and security a young girl needs from her daddy. The bad news is you set the standard high; no other man could ever measure up to you.

My best memories are times you and I spent doing simple things together. I loved the smell of your workshop, and my favorite thing to do was bang around in it. Remember how you used to let me use your soldering iron? I would create mini metal sculptures. You worked on a project while I played around at the workbench; those are great memories, Daddy.

I also remember sounding out a word to you. I was so proud because I had just learned the magic of unlocking the meaning of the sounds of each letter. We were outside a shopping center, waiting for mom to go through the check out line, and I saw the word written on the wall…..F…..U…..C….K….hmmmm….”What does that mean, Daddy?” Your reaction was confusing, but priceless!

I have a secret to tell you. Remember when I was about 9 years old and I started joining you and your buddies when you steamed oysters? The men would sit around drinking beer and swapping stories, and I would hover around the edges. When the oysters where ready, we would take the knives and shuck open the gritty shells. Inside would be the salty, chewy prize that would slide down my throat. My secret is…..I didn’t really like oysters. I simply ate them to spend time with you. You were my wonderful sanctuary from my negative, over-protective mother. I know she meant well, but…well; you know. You lived with her, too.

Remember when I was a teenager and having a really tough time with drugs? You took me to the pier at the ocean to fish. It was the first time we spent alone together since I was a small child. I don’t remember what we talked about, but I remember being so happy to be with you. You were always my Superman, even when I was a lost soul.

You stood by me, Daddy, when I was going through some tough times. You saw me through bad relationships, heavy drinking and drugs, and other assorted tragedies. Even now, when I am a grown-up mother of two adult children, dealing with problems you’d never even heard of, you stand by me. I can always count on my daddy to be the one man in my life who never lets me down.

Much love from your baby girl,

Rainey