Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Feeling Better, Anti-Weepies, and Good Friends March 25, 2013

I’m getting there. Despite the chaos around me (or maybe BECAUSE of it) I feel…lighter. The heaviness in my head and chest is a little better today; the haze is lessening. I still have a certain sadness, a melancholy, if you will, but it is not crippling. I am able to think of tomorrow, and that there is a reason to see another tomorrow. That’s progress, my friends!

My dear friend Hannah (and she is a friend, even if I have never met her in “real life”) made a comment on my last post. She said I was bat-shit crazy and why didn’t I go take some damn anti-lunatic pills and stop pissing around already.

No, she didn’t really say that. 😉 But I wouldn’t be offended if she had! (See, I’m feeling better because my sense of humor is back.) This is what she actually wrote:

Don’t take this the wrong way, but have you considered medication? You are a wonderful, loving, giving person, and if you need some help getting through this period in your life, then you should have it. I’ve been on medication, and yes, it’s absolutely a crutch, but you know, sometimes you break your leg and it’s ok to use a crutch for a time. Not forever, maybe, but to get through the worst of it. So, all I’m saying is, if you don’t need it, then ok… but if you do, that’s alright, too.

My friend, I agree. Here is the sad thing: This is me on drugs. I AM ON MEDICINE!! And, here is the kicker…..they have changed it and increased it multiple times. Most of the time, I sail along with the usual ups and downs. But in recent years, the lows take me way, way down. Some may be situational…  after all, my life is the kind they write books about (and you would think it was all made up; no one could REALLY have a  life like that!). Some may be the residual effects of the abuse I suffered at a younger age. But I know some of these feelings are not based on current or past situations. Those mornings when I open my eyes only to see the darkness has descended; those days when nothing interests me; those nights when I beg my dreams to take me away, but all they do is mock me….that is depression in the purest form.

The pills do work. I stopped taking them once. Within days, all I could do was weep. Yes, weep. I’m not a woman to use that word lightly, but when the shoe fits…there is no other way to describe it. I. Could. Not. Function. I went back on the medicine, and felt like myself a few days later. That is NOT an experience I ever want to repeat. Don’t get me wrong; I like an occasional good cry: it is a powerful release that leaves me feeling cleansed and emotionally stable again. But WEEPING, however, is NOT FUN. You make no sense, the tears flow without any feeling of release, your nose gets all snotty and gross, and YOU CANNOT STOP! There is no end to weeping. It just gets quieter, but it doesn’t stop. It is a pathetic kind of crying with no purpose other than to make you look weak and stupid, and, yes, CRAZY. So I have no plans to stop taking my beautiful little “no-weepies” pills each day.

Do I need to go back and try a new kind of pill? Maybe. Okay, yes, I do. But that will have to wait until this summer, because I cannot afford to dive into the weepies at work. They kinda don’t know how unstable I really am, and I hope to keep fooling them for another day week year or two, if possible. So I will continue, the best that I can.

As for you, my dear friends, thank you. Thank you for your kind, encouraging words when things get tough for me. I’m not able to reply when things are bad, but I want you to know I am reading and it does matter. I know my bouts with depression are not fun to read about, but it is healing and helpful to me to get it out. I cannot say what I feel, and I hide it from those around me, but for some reason I can write about it straight from the heart. When I write, I don’t censor. So you are seeing me naked, down to the very center of my humanist. I am honored that any of you stick around to read. The fact that so many of  you actually care enough to comment and wish me well…it blows me away. It gives me hope for the human race. And yes, if I hadn’t taken my pills, I might even be a little weepy right now…

 

Love For a Dog February 7, 2013

I am a pet lover. Specifically, I am a dog lover. I got my first dog when I was 3 1/2 years old, and I have never been without one since.

In my house, pets are part of the family. I currently have two dogs, a male and a female. They are both small inside dogs (which hubs said we would never have, but I won THAT round) and they rule. I cannot imagine life without either of them.

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The male dog, Riley, is especially precious to me. He came to me when both of my girls went away to college and I suffered the classic “Empty Nest Syndrome”. This was before J was diagnosed with any problems. I had work, hubs, and….nothing. I felt useless because my identity was so tied in with being a mom. When Riley came into the family, he burrowed that furry little head right into my heart. He was mine, and I was his, right from the start.

Not long after he joined the family was when J was diagnosed with Bipolar. I spent many hours privately crying with only Riley to hold me and comfort me. I have always put on the brave face in public, even with family, and hold my crying sessions all alone. In fact, my favorite place to cry is while in the shower. Riley started the habit of going in the bathroom with me and lying on the rug until I get out. He would watch me with his knowing eyes and wait for me to dress and sit on the rug to hold him. Riley would take all my tears and make me feel better, so that I could make it one more day. He is honestly the reason I don’t break down more often than I do.

Now, here we are, 7 years into Riley’s life. About 8 months ago he started having seizures. He takes an anti-convulsive medication, but it is not working properly. My poor Riley had 20 seizures in a 24-hour period. He is now at the emergency vet’s office at the state college. They are giving him a new drug through an I.V. to see if they can stop the seizures. If it doesn’t stop, they want to do a spinal tap and MRI to look for a cause.

I do not want him to suffer. Hearing him cry between seizures was one of the most difficult things in the world for me. I feel so helpless and broken right now. I know he is in good hands, and they are keeping him sedated. But if they cannot make his life comfortable and of a good quality, then I will have to make a decision I do not want to make.

 

How to Make a Happiness File June 27, 2012

I love to laugh. Laughter is the fastest way to lift your spirits on a gloomy day. It can also make a good day great! I suffer from situational and clinical depression so much that I look for things that make me laugh …sometimes a giggle, or a chuckle, but the best laugh of all is a deep belly laugh that brings tears to your eyes.

On a bad day, I cannot find laughter. It hides under the wave of depression that, no matter what I do, will not let go of my heart. What normally would make me laugh just makes me feel a sadness so deep it hurts my soul. I am a sensitive person, and usually very upbeat. That makes the sadness and depression that haunts me feel so much deeper and more profound. On those days (weeks), nothing helps except the passage of time.

Today is a good day. It’s not as great as yesterday (a fab day for no reason at all: the best kind) but today feels nice. I’ve had many low days lately, and I know many of my friends in the blogosphere have also had some not-great days in the past few weeks. So today, I’m pulling out  my “Happiness File”.

My Happiness File is just what the name implies; it is a file of things that I have collected that make me happy. Some are silly pictures, or cute animals; others are sayings that I found on the  WWW (World Wide Weird) that made me grin or even laugh.  Anything that lifts me is eligible.

How do you create your own Happiness File, you ask? Why, it is very simple! just follow these steps:

1.Go to the internet and browse, using your favorite method. Sometimes I use search words, go to favorite humor sites, humorous blogs, or just use http://www.stumbleupon.com/home, or join in the PINTEREST craze! (WARNING: BOTH CAN BE ADDICTIVE).

2. When you happen upon something that strikes your funny bone or makes you  ‘AWWW’ at its cuteness factor, save it in a folder on your desktop.

3. MAKE SURE THE FILE IS ON YOUR DESKTOP! This step is crucial to the success of your file. If you bury your Happiness file in your documents folder, on a bad day you will not look for it. It needs to be front and center, where you will see it!

4. Label your folder. I call mine “Shits and Giggles“, but you can label it whatever you like; “Happiness File” works, but it’s a bit boring, don’t you think? 😉

5. On a day when you need a lift, click on your file and enjoy!

6. Don’t forget to add to your file from time to time. It becomes stale and loses some of its punch if  you don’t.

NOTE: I do not include any personal pictures in my file. On some days, when I am really blue, it makes me super sad to look at pictures of happier times with my family. You may feel differently and want to include personal things that bring you joy.

Here are a few of my favorites from my file. I hope one or two make you smile as well!

Gotta love some of those baby pictures out there!

Dogs AND babies?? YES!

Oh, high school math…

or all year, for some…

I would so buy this!

BAHAHAHA!

Have a “Shits and Giggles” day, friends! 😀

 

Army Wife March 19, 2012

I gaze up at the sprinkling of stars

that punctuate the dark sky at night

wondering….

Do you peer into the same night sky

on the opposite end of the world

on the other side of the day

and think of me?

Do you remember our kisses and touches

as we held one another and said

our goodbyes?

Deep inside, my chest aches

a black hole has opened

where my heart used to be.

But, as  a good wife, I smile

when you walk down the tarmac;

the army calls you once again.