Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

You Smile November 9, 2013

Filed under: all,journal,life,lifestyle,love,Poems,poetry — rainey46 @ 12:09 pm
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i fall into your  eyes

like a black abyss

becoming your slave

i can’t look away

i crave you like the drug

you have become to me

you smile ’cause you know

i will beg for more

The pain you say

is pure erotic bliss

you flaunt proud scars

upon your heart

i crave you like the drug

you have become to me

you smile ’cause you know

i will beg for more

wearing your addictions

for the whole world to see

i long for you

to hold me captive again

i crave you like the drug

you have become to me

you smile ’cause you know

i will beg for more

you are the drug

i am the junkie

i fall into your arms

and find what was lost

i crave you like the drug

you have become to me

you smile ’cause you know

i will beg for more

you smile ’cause you know

i will always beg for more

 

 

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Our Song September 4, 2013

Filed under: all,Poems,poetry — rainey46 @ 7:16 pm
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Dancing couple (Salvatore and Maria Viganò). D...

Dancing couple (Salvatore and Maria Viganò). Drawing by Johann Gottfried Schadow. Derra de Moroda Dance Archives, Salzburg University. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

You call out my name but I pretend

not to hear

It is a continuous, tiresome dance of hateful pride

and hard regrets

Neither of us will ever win, yet neither

will we give

We fox-trot and spar with venomous words uttered

without punch

Going through the motions, not caring enough

to be real

This is our life, this is our dance; they are

playing our song.

 

 

 

No Means No May 27, 2013

She was raped. That son of a bitch raped her last night. I am boiling with fury and probably shouldn’t be allowed to blog right now but I have to let it out somehow or I will hunt him down and cut off his dick. If you are offended by my language then please don’t read this post. I am seriously trying to keep from going after him. I do not need to go to jail, because then who would she have? Her dad, who lives in la-la land? Or her sister, who gets angry every time J’s bipolar/anxiety prevents her from being “normal”?

I have always joked that if someone raped either of my daughters I would take him in a house and nail his dick to the windowsill. I would then set the house on fire and hand him a knife and tell him, “You get to choose. My daughter did not.” I thought I was joking. Now I know I was not. I want to inflict terrible pain on him. I want to see him beg for mercy. How could that son of a bitch do that to her? She is already so fragile….years of work probably undone because he wanted to get off.

To think, this was a “nice boy” whom I knew and LIKED!!! It wasn’t one of the losers she found on the dating sites (nothing against dating sites, but J is known for picking losers and it never turns out well); this was a “local” guy who seemed very earnest and straight-forward. My heart is broken for her. She will not press charges because they will never stick. And I agree; they will not stick.

J told him no. Forcefully. Repeatedly. But she did not fight. She did not scream for help. She kept saying no and crying but did not stop him. My guess is because of her incredibly low self-esteem she just let him finish. She was so hurt and confused when she told me. My poor baby.

No means no.

 

 

 

Will You Still Love Me? May 16, 2013

Filed under: about me,all,picture,pictures,Poems,poetry — rainey46 @ 8:32 pm
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Will you still love me

Will you still love me

when you witness the wretched, fire-breathing demons

that crawl through my head?

 

Will you still love me

when venomous words (that I don’t really mean)

spew from my lips?

 

Will you still love me

when  you discover my horrible secret truth

that no one knows?

 

Will you still love me

with all of your heart and soul

when I am hardest to love?

 

Will you still love me?

 

 

Land of Numb January 3, 2013

anger surges through my veins

pulsing, red-hot rage, then… gone

to the stark and barren Land of Numb

~

time drips by until I awaken once more

my skin crawls with unspent emotions

pulled tightly, it barely contains me

~

emotions flood the my landscape

tears converged on mascara-smeared lids

ready to free fall across pale cheeks

~

but before the waterfall can erupt, my brain recedes

to the foggy, safe Land of Numb

where emotions cease to exist once again

 

 

me 012c

 

 

 

 

Because I Cannot Cry in the Shower, I Wallow in Self-Pity December 22, 2012

I feel like I have a hangover, but I didn’t drink. Is it possible to have some sort of post traumatic response to difficult life events? I am having difficulty doing even the most simple tasks. I feel like I am in a fog of sorts. What is happening?

Every time J tries to kill herself, or does something equally harmful to herself or those who love her, I react during the event with nerves of steel. Nothing she says or does phases me. I am grace under fire. The first few events, I fell apart as soon as it was determined that she would be okay. I would take a shower and sob until my body ran out of tears and the shower ran out of hot water. Then, after many times of crisis, I stopped crying in the shower. I went into robot mode. I continued going through the motions of showering, working, and living. Inside I was numb and cold. I didn’t mean to stop feeling, it just happened. I still stood in the shower and waited for the tears, even tried to make them happen, but they didn’t. Meanwhile, J made it through the trauma and bounced back to normal life. Inside, I seethed with anger that she was back to normal and I would never know normal again.

Today I feel drugged. Last night, J’s friends came over and they hung out and shared some much needed laughter. They were silly and funny, and I enjoyed hearing them. But I am ice inside.

I have no gifts under the tree. I just don’t care. Everyone depends on me to set the tone, the mood for everything in our lives, but I want to curl up and sleep forever. This life is too hard for me right now.

English: Shower

English: Shower (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Writing and my humor are the only things I have left. Bear with me when I wallow in self-pity, will you?

PS I still cannot find my beloved camera. I fear it is gone forever and I cannot afford another one.

 

Quotes and Pictures to Make You Think June 28, 2012

The internet is a wonderful tool. It is useful for research, social connections, and finding needed products. It’s also great for finding humor or thoughtful quotes. I have shared some of my personal favorites from my Shits and Giggles File, so now I will share some of my more thoughtful finds on the ‘net. I love quotes that having meaning for me, just like I love song lyrics for the same reason. here are a few I love:

Winnie the Pooh says it best.

I could have this one engraved on my tombstone because I love it so much!

Love, love, love Kurt Cobain and Nirvana!

Music is an important part of me.

 This one melts my heart.

For my friend, That Fred Guy, who is trying not to worry about a few things.

What if we all lived by this idea?