Going on a camera adventure tomorrow to lift my spirits; stay tuned!
I took a friend’s advice and took the day off yesterday…with my camera. ( Thanks for the idea, Hannah…BTW, you can meet Hannah here…she’s worth following, trust me.) I actually went for a long ride…traveling through three states…and took pictures along the way. Nothing planned; if it was something that caught my eye, I stopped and clicked away. I know locals were driving by thinking, “What the hell? That chick must be cray cray…she’s standing beside a busy highway taking pictures of the old Jenkins house”…..but I DON’T CARE! It was fabulous! It was entertaining! And I saw some great things. This may need to be my new weekend hobby! See more of my photo adventures on my photo blog…Rainey’s View, if you care to look. 🙂
“What are you doing this weekend? Want to go to the mall or Target to look at stuff we cannot afford to buy?”
“No, I’ve got plans to fill my car up with
gold gas and drive around to find broken down buildings, fields full of cows and cow shit, and graffiti covered trains to photograph. Want to go? I only got chased once by that pissed-off farmer with the gun….and that angry bull when I tried to get up close and personal. It’s lots of fun.”
And I wonder why I have no close friends.
Well, here it is: New Year‘s Eve. Time to reflect on the year behind me and make well-meaning resolution that will supposedly bring me happiness and a better tomorrow.
Sorry. I can’t do it. Even though I am generally an optimistic person, my personal year of 2012 was difficult and overwhelming. So, I will not sit here and ponder what has already been; most is too painful to see all at once. I have to view the hard parts a little at a time because the big picture is just too much.
2013: what will you hold? What delights, what beauties will you bring? What struggles will I face? My one wish is to remember to focus on the beauty of the little things in life. I want to see the sunlight glinting off of the water. I want to inhale the smell of snow falling in the silent forest. I vow to see the joy on a child’s face while holding a puppy. I intend to revel in the warmth of sunlight on my face.
My goal for 2013? Become more aware and appreciative of the joys and beauties in life. Here’s wishing that you, too will appreciate the sun on your face and the smell of the rain and the beauty of a bloom. It may be just enough to help you through your own personal challenges.
It is cold today. This is a great day to curl up with a good book or watch a movie on the tube. My preference, of course, is to curl up with my computer and edit my photos. I love going back through old ones and discovering a different beauty that I hadn’t noticed before.
Photography has become my newest way to express myself. I am very much an amateur, but I am okay with that. I know what I like, so I take pictures of it. All I have is my little digital Nikon and a free online editing program, but it suits me for now. I don’t have the drive to make jewelry or complete paintings at this point in time; I hope I feel those creative urges again. As long as I can write and produce some visual type of work, I am a happy soul.
Most of my posts are on my other website. I don’t write anything, except the titles, because I want my followers to have their own sense of the photograph. Many of my photos I take because I felt some feeling or mood in the frame, but I don’t know if that comes across to others or not. So, no words, just photos so it can evoke an emotion in you. I save my words for this blog!
Here are a few for you to (hopefully) enjoy.
Today is a beautiful day. Nothing has changed except perhaps my attitude. Getting away with my camera just brings me such peace. It helps my mind focus on the little details in the world that I forget about when I am embracing the constant crisis in my life. It reminds me of the small things that make life wonderful. Breathing in the crisp winter air as I notice how the sunlight filters through the bare branches of the trees. Noticing the shadows cast across the worn wood of an old abandoned house. Gazing at the rusting train tracks as they converge on the far horizon.
My mind is so often trapped in survival mode that the stress I feel can be overwhelming. I have no respite from the constant worry. I have no one who truly understands the unique position I am in; but I guess we could all say that. My hope lies in writing, taking photos,listening to music, and my art (when I can focus on it…it’s been a year now since I walked in my studio.) So here I am, dear reader….even if no one reads, it feels great to write.
New favorite quote:
“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.”
– E. E. Cummings
Let’s go to the beach, shall we?
You feel the warm breathe of the ocean breeze on your face. When you remove your shoes your toes wiggle and sink into the rough grains of loose sand. Some of the sand clings to your feet as you walk the path between the dunes. The sea grass sways as you stroll by, each one bowing its head as if in honor of your passing through.
As you hike closer to the top of the dunes, you hear the crashing of the ocean as it pounds the sand. The smell of salt infuses your nose and the taste creeps into your mouth as you lick your lips. The sun heats your skin and you begin to glisten. You anticipate the refreshing splash of water you soon will feel.
At the top of the dune, you pause. Stretched out in front of you is the glorious ocean. It swallows the horizon and eats away at the beach. The water is a mix of grays, blues and aquas that dance and play like lovers. White ridges rise to the top and ride the darker hues all the way to the sand, where it crashes into nothingness. You stand and stare in awe.
After gazing for a few more moments, you walk until the thick loose sand becomes flat and packed down by the receding surf. You deposit your blanket and slip off your shirt. As though mesmerized, you walk straight toward the water. As you approach, a small wave reaches out and touches your feet. The cool water makes you gasp, but the sun beating down makes it feel delicious. You continue. The next wave is not so gentle and as it slams against your knees you brace your legs for the impact. You feel the sand beneath your feet shift and slide away. A few more steps, and you are up to your thighs. You know the next wave, the one you see building in the distance, will be the one that takes you under. As the white caps rise to the top, forming a towering wall of water, you suck in your breath and close your eyes. The wave crashes over your head and envelopes you in salty coldness as it swirls around you. You rise up and gasp in air, preparing for the next wave.
I took a quick trip to the beach (just for one night) because I thought my head might explode if I didn’t get out of here for a while. It worked; I am back home, head still in one piece (well, that’s not really true, but it didn’t explode) and slightly refreshed. I really wanted to go somewhere (anywhere) so I could take pictures for my new photo blog I started …click here to see it….I just wanted a place to put pictures only, without any words other than titles.
The beach is my least favorite water to go to this time of year. I really like it in the off-season when it is cool and mostly deserted. But I am glad I went because I got some great pictures I will be sharing in the upcoming weeks.
Another reason I went was to get a break from J. (For new readers, she is my daughter who has an eating disorder, anxiety, bipolar, and OCD. She is 25 and unable to live alone.) She’s had some “female” issues lately. I went with her to the doctor because they found some abnormal cell growth. We went on Tuesday, and they said it was just all the new meds that she was taking. She continued to complain about how she felt and said the doctor was wrong, something else was wrong. J complains so much about health problems (and every other small thing in life) that I sometimes reach a point of needing to scream, hit her, or run away. I ran away (for a day) so I wouldn’t scream or hit her.
As I was driving to the beach, she called and dropped a bombshell. “I think I am pregnant.”
I went temporarily blind and deaf. All I could see were colors and lights with some darkness around the edges. I could hear my blood pounding in my head. Oh, and I think I threw up just a little.
You cannot begin to imagine what her being pregnant would mean for me. For her. For any of us in this family. But mostly, for me. Damn.
She went back to the doctor and had some more tests done. Results came in today. Do you want the good news or the bad news first? I will start with the good news: SHE IS NOT PREGNANT!!!!!! I am so thankful I could cry. But….the bad news….she has a type of STD. FOR THE SECOND TIME. And, get this, it is NOT from the boyfriend she just had the big breakup with! I am so very angry with her right now. She is sleeping around, again, taking these huge risks with her life (and my life, really) and acts so damn casual about it. I know, I know….Bipolar manic stages can make you more promiscuous; she is a 25 year-old with a mind of her own. I know all of this, and yet I am so angry at her. She lives with me (and will forever unless she meets someone who will love her and take care of her) because she cannot live alone. Her anxiety level is too high, she has HUGE money issues, and she just cannot do it. Everything she does, or doesn’t do, affects me as well. She is extremely self-centered and loves to keep drama going on. Right now I just want to kick her in the ass for being so stupid!
Please know, I am just venting. I do not, and will not, get physical with J. I truly love my daughter more than life itself. She can be a kind, caring person. I actually enjoy spending time with her….when we are not in crisis.
I’m glad I went to the beach. It probably saved my head from exploding. I may need to go to the mountains soon…