Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

I am a Lying, Sarcastic, Bitch…Want to be My Friend? August 4, 2012

Who Is Wonder Woman?

Who Is Wonder Woman? (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Okay, so here is my vent for the day…

I am a bitch today. At least I am a quiet bitch. Maybe a depressed bitch.

I have been very withdrawn for the past couple of days. Since returning from the beach, I haven’t gone anywhere (other than to the store to buy needed items). I also haven’t been on Facebook…mainly because I am so sick of reading about stupid American politics, Chick-fil-a christians (homophobic bastards in my opinion), and game requests for games I’ve never heard of and will never play! I have, however, continued to try to post…something…daily on my two blogs on WordPress. For some reason, that remains an important connection for me.

I think I have withdrawn because I feel depressed and angry. I am still seething over J, my daughter. (J, age 25,  has bipolar, an eating disorder, OCD, anxiety, and ADD. She is currently unable to live on her own and so lives with me and hubs). She has a STD (for the second time, mind you) and seems like it’s no big deal. She is so broke, she couldn’t even afford the doctor or the antibiotic so she borrowed the money from me. Again. I get quiet when I feel that kind of anger because I know if I let it out it only makes things worse. Being angry with someone with bipolar AND an eating disorder is tricky; you set them off and the reaction can be deadly.

I also get angry with hubs. I don’t often talk about him on here; I have very mixed feelings about him. All of the hardships I have gone through with J, I have weathered alone, I have made all the decisions, I have cried all the tears. He works. And fishes. And hides out in his garage when things get bad. After almost 30 years of marriage it seems harder now than before. I continue to hide my own mental health problems from him. Why? Because despite everything, he is my husband.  We have a long history, and he accepted me at a time when I was in a bad place. Do I see us staying together? No. He is totally unable to understand even a small part of what J goes through.  When he finds out I have the same issues and I have hidden them from him, it will be over. I am preparing myself for that. I know I will be okay alone. Being alone does not bother me. I have been dishonest with him about so many things, I know there is no going back. I am now at the point of No Return.

So how is hubs with J? He thinks she should be able to “control” her depression that puts her in bed for weeks at a time. She should “just get up and DO something”. When she is manic she spends her money frivolously, getting tattoos, taking every friend out to eat, and buying impractical gifts…BEFORE paying bills that are due. Hubs again thinks this is a character flaw that she should be able to control with will power. He met with the doctors. He has been in therapy sessions. He has heard it explained over and over again. He is one of those people who will never get it. I am a buffer between the two of them and it is HARD.

Would it be better if I just left him? I don’t have the energy. And the thought of dealing with J, who will fall apart, is draining. I also have no money whatsoever, and it takes money and a plan to leave. And I know J will go with me. I would not leave her here with him. So I will stay, at least for now, because it is all I can do.

I am also lonely. I have realized lately that I no longer have any many friends. I am very social and well-liked in my community, but I have made such a habit of protecting my heart that I don’t let myself get too close to anyone. If I feel someone getting close, I back off. I shut down. They are left wondering what they did wrong, but it’s really just me. Many years of protecting my heart  has left me protected, but lonely. I have protected myself so well, no one even knows me. So if you don’t know me, you cannot love me. Or hurt me.

Yeah, so here I am; a lonely, depressed bitch. Want to be my friend? Hahahaha  Sounds like the plot for a lame movie. Really, if you met me, I would seem upbeat and outgoing. I have a sarcastic and sharp sense of humor. I am great with animals and kids. Younger people gravitate toward me. I’m not sure why, really, but I think because I take them seriously and I listen. I’m a great listener. You would never, not in a million years, think that I had mental issues that I struggle with on a daily basis. I am very, very good at wearing a mask.

So, I am a coward. I live like I do because I don’t have the courage to let the world see ME. The REAL ME. I didn’t do it on purpose. I just kind of evolved this way by living up to expectations of others. By trying to be Wonder Woman, and Super Mom, and Super Wife, and Super Daughter, and Super Employee. It is what I thought I HAD to do, you see. So I did…for many years. I hid my mania….I was just in a ‘great mood’ or feeling ‘silly’. I also explained it away because of the drugs and alcohol, back in the day…I hid the spending…no one ever knew….When the depression hit, I was ‘sick’…had a lot of work to do (I work a lot on the computer, so I could explain sitting around as long as I had my computer)…then when J started having problems, any of my problems could be easily explained…of course I was a wreck; look what I was dealing with!!

Life sure is funny. I dislike deception, and I am the most dishonest person I know.

Oh what a tangled web we weave

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Mood Monitor July 19, 2012

America - home of the red, white and BLUES

America – home of the red, white and BLUES (Photo credit: Treasure Tia)

 

While searching for help (after advice from a dear friend….Thanks,  Alice) I found a “Mood Monitor” on Mental Health America. It is a short series of questions that help you focus on and identify your current mood. It then gives you a rating and advice on your symptoms. You can print the results and take to your doctor, or you can email then to yourself. This can be useful if  you complete it daily and assess the changes in your moods. I think I will try this to get a better understanding of what is going on with me. Maybe it will help some of you as well.

Mood Monitor

 

Rainey’s Ramblings July 8, 2012

More ramblings from the mind of Rainey…

*If we are so smart, how do animals know of impending storms or disasters before we do?
*Why do humans have internal organs that we don’t really need? Will future humans be born without these unneeded organs as humans evolve?
*Why are the males in the animal world the flashy ones? Women, where did WE go wrong? ( Don’t know about you, but I would give up make-up)
*If I had never tasted sugar and I tasted it now, would I dislike it?
*Do animals suffer from mental disorders? If so, how do the other animals treat them?
*Why do we assign power to some words ( curse words), then get upset when kids say them? They are just words….sounds…they mean whatever we say they mean.
*Why do we base everything we do on the almighty dollar: a worthless piece of paper! Wouldn’t it be easier to barter for what we need?
*Who ever looked at a clown and thought it would be a great idea to have at a CHILD’S party? Those guys are creepy as hell! (No offence, Le Clown)
*Why does society want to medicate every unique trait we have? Are we aiming for conformity, or a ‘superior race’ (is Hitler back?) of dullness?
*Why do some people who dislike children become teachers?
~ ~ ~
Just some thoughts I’ve had today that I thought I would share.

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The Monster Who Came to Stay June 21, 2012

Farnkenstein monster

Farnkenstein monster (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Bipolar Betty is back again. J’s psychiatrist thought it was time to take her off of lithium, so she stopped taking it 2 days ago. She works in the local school and they are out for the summer, so she is off her schedule. To top it all off, her boyfriend decided they needed more ‘space’. All of these things combined knocked her down. In preparation for my new job I have some meetings I must attend. I was in one yesterday when I got the phone call from J saying she had taken ‘a bunch of pills’. She wasn’t trying to harm herself; she just wanted to numb the pain. Luckily I was able to determine she hadn’t taken too many and I called my husband to get the rest of the pills away from her. (Yeah, her doctor wrote her a new prescription for anxiety meds) I got home as soon as I could. J has the type of bipolar known as ‘rapid-cycling‘. She can sometimes cycle between being manic and depressed several times in just a few minutes. It’s disturbing to watch and hell on her. She gets severe headaches afterwards and usually has to sleep it off.

I am angry. I hate this monster that steals her soul. I want nothing more than to see her happy and in charge of her own life. I am angry that I don’t get to have a normal life either since this monster came along. My world turned upside down when bipolar joined my family. While I suspect that I, too, have bipolar, I do not struggle daily with bouts of mania and depression like she does. I get angry that I am the only one in this family that can and does deal with her issues; she is always needing to talk, she can’t make decisions on her own, if she gets money she becomes manic and spends it on stupid things; I am the one who must pick up the pieces every single time.

Yeah, I am having a nice little pity party today. I am overwhelmed by my own problems and I have hers to handle as well.