Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Time For Big Girl Panties July 8, 2013

Okay, I’m putting on my big girl panties. It’s time to get back  up, brush myself off, and give this life of mine another shot. I may be down, but I am never down and out for long.

It doesn’t mean I’m not still hurting; I am, believe me. I still hurt in my heart every single day for Riley. I still hurt for J and all of her problems. But I cannot function this way for long. I am, by nature, a very upbeat person. I see the beauty in small, everyday things. As bad as my life seems to get at times (lately it has been very bad) I must find the good and rise above it all.

I still feel depressed. It is not the overwhelming, clinical depression I sometimes feel (Thank God)! When the clinical depression is out of the picture, I can overcome. It is just a matter of my mindset and my attitude.

So today, I choose to live and be happy.


Just Another Day July 25, 2012

A good friend is coming to visit today. Is it wrong that I want to call her and tell her I’m busy?  It’s not that I don’t want to see her, I actually miss her because I haven’t seen her all summer. But things have been so bad around here with J, I’m not really feeling up to having company. But I also know that is depression talking. T (my friend) always makes me laugh and I know it will be good to see her. She knows more than most about what I go through with J, so I don’t have to hide it. But she is also one of a very few who can read me well, and can see through the front I put on for most. Sometimes that is a good thing, sometimes not so much.

J is going to the psychiatrist in a little while, and hubs has to go to work. I will actually be alone for a bit. There is such relief in being alone. I can just be me. No questions, no problems. I can write, paint, clean, do whatever! Most people don’t like to be alone, but I love it and often crave it.

My mood today is….hmmm…unaffected. Some times my moods are very reactive to the people or situation around me. At other times, I feel like an outside observer watching things happen. That is how I feel now. J is barely functioning: not talking, not eating, extreme irritability; sometimes this sets me on edge or plunges me into deeper depression. Not today; today I am just a bystander in my life, observing with little emotional investment. Maybe this is a way I protect myself. If so, then the armour is up and ready today. If they put J in the hospital it might be the best mood to be in.


How to Make a Happiness File June 27, 2012

I love to laugh. Laughter is the fastest way to lift your spirits on a gloomy day. It can also make a good day great! I suffer from situational and clinical depression so much that I look for things that make me laugh …sometimes a giggle, or a chuckle, but the best laugh of all is a deep belly laugh that brings tears to your eyes.

On a bad day, I cannot find laughter. It hides under the wave of depression that, no matter what I do, will not let go of my heart. What normally would make me laugh just makes me feel a sadness so deep it hurts my soul. I am a sensitive person, and usually very upbeat. That makes the sadness and depression that haunts me feel so much deeper and more profound. On those days (weeks), nothing helps except the passage of time.

Today is a good day. It’s not as great as yesterday (a fab day for no reason at all: the best kind) but today feels nice. I’ve had many low days lately, and I know many of my friends in the blogosphere have also had some not-great days in the past few weeks. So today, I’m pulling out  my “Happiness File”.

My Happiness File is just what the name implies; it is a file of things that I have collected that make me happy. Some are silly pictures, or cute animals; others are sayings that I found on the  WWW (World Wide Weird) that made me grin or even laugh.  Anything that lifts me is eligible.

How do you create your own Happiness File, you ask? Why, it is very simple! just follow these steps:

1.Go to the internet and browse, using your favorite method. Sometimes I use search words, go to favorite humor sites, humorous blogs, or just use http://www.stumbleupon.com/home, or join in the PINTEREST craze! (WARNING: BOTH CAN BE ADDICTIVE).

2. When you happen upon something that strikes your funny bone or makes you  ‘AWWW’ at its cuteness factor, save it in a folder on your desktop.

3. MAKE SURE THE FILE IS ON YOUR DESKTOP! This step is crucial to the success of your file. If you bury your Happiness file in your documents folder, on a bad day you will not look for it. It needs to be front and center, where you will see it!

4. Label your folder. I call mine “Shits and Giggles“, but you can label it whatever you like; “Happiness File” works, but it’s a bit boring, don’t you think? 😉

5. On a day when you need a lift, click on your file and enjoy!

6. Don’t forget to add to your file from time to time. It becomes stale and loses some of its punch if  you don’t.

NOTE: I do not include any personal pictures in my file. On some days, when I am really blue, it makes me super sad to look at pictures of happier times with my family. You may feel differently and want to include personal things that bring you joy.

Here are a few of my favorites from my file. I hope one or two make you smile as well!

Gotta love some of those baby pictures out there!

Dogs AND babies?? YES!

Oh, high school math…

or all year, for some…

I would so buy this!


Have a “Shits and Giggles” day, friends! 😀


J and Bipolar Betty June 22, 2012

English: Street art

English: Street art (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When J was a little girl  the thought of monsters under her bed and in her closet frightened her. Night after night, I would check for monsters and reassure her that her room was clear. We sprayed “anti-monster” spray and sang a special “anti-monster” song. Eventually, she outgrew her fear of monsters under the bed and moved on to other worries.

Not once did I tell her there were no such things as monsters. When I was a little girl, the thought of monsters also frightened me. My mother laughed, told me that I was silly, and put me in the bed. I still remember the crippling fear of laying there, waiting, knowing that at any minute I would be gobbled up. My mother had no patience for silliness and lost the ability to see through a child’s eyes long ago.

The monster from under the bed now lives inside J’s head. The monster we call Bipolar Betty rages inside, sometimes crippling her. This monster has almost taken J from me; she has attempted suicide at least 5 times. This monster, when manic, spends enough money to turn this economy around single-handedly. This monster, when not controlled by the proper medicine, is slowly dimming the sparkle in my daughter’s eyes.

I write about J on here a lot, but usually just the bipolar side of her. I really wish you could all meet her because she is such a special young lady. She has a biting, quick wit and often has everyone around her laughing uncontrollably. She is a defender of the hurt, the young, and the  underdog.  J has a very special gift of working with troubled children. These children, ages 5-7, have been badly damaged by life and physically act out in rage by throwing desks, biting, kicking and punching. Somehow, my daughter calms them and actually gets them to sit in a seat and learn! She amazes me with her gifts.

I write about her bipolar as ‘Bipolar Betty’ because it is, to me, separate from who my daughter really is. I am angry at Bipolar Betty but not angry at J. It helps me to distinguish between the reckless, stupid things she does when her medicine is not working and the normal stupid choices a 25-year-old makes.

J and her boyfriend broke up yesterday, during the same week her doctor changed her medication. Bipolar Betty’s depressed side has taken over my daughter again. She hasn’t been this low in a long time and it scares me. There is a fine line with depression in a bipolar person. Anyone who has broken up with someone you care about knows how low it can make you feel. That is normal. But with bipolar, this normal low can quickly become life-threatening. It can also last for weeks or months. The last time she was really low her doctor gave her medicine to knock her up into a manic state. I understand this was to keep her from harming herself, but all this chemically induced up and down crap CANNOT be good for her!

So, here I am today, holding on. Bipolar Betty is back, and it’s going to be a long, rough ride.


Maybe Tomorrow June 14, 2012

Depression is my life-long best friend. It is currently wrapping around me like a warm blanket making me want to stay in bed and hold it tightly. Life continues to go on but I cannot find the energy to care. My husband never understands; he gets angry when I retreat inside my head. I try to explain that I cannot stop it; I don’t want to be this way, but he doesn’t get it. I don’t think he ever will.

Why does it have to be like this? Will I aways be tormented with the darkness that descends without warning? I fight it as long as I can, but it gets too hard and I just let go. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe tomorrow I will want to get out of bed and see the sun that I love. Maybe tomorrow I will feel like me again. Maybe tomorrow I can live.