Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

You November 28, 2013

Filed under: all,love,Poems,poetry,relationships — rainey46 @ 7:46 pm
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Nude art

How many hours have I wasted

dreaming of you?

How many days are lost forever

thinking of you?

How do I continue breathing

living without you?

You are the blood that runs through my veins

You are the one who  makes me insane

You are the air that touches my lips

You are the wind caressing my hips.

How many hours have I wasted

dreaming of you?

How many days are lost forever

thinking of you?

How do I continue breathing

living without you?

 

Because I Cannot Cry in the Shower, I Wallow in Self-Pity December 22, 2012

I feel like I have a hangover, but I didn’t drink. Is it possible to have some sort of post traumatic response to difficult life events? I am having difficulty doing even the most simple tasks. I feel like I am in a fog of sorts. What is happening?

Every time J tries to kill herself, or does something equally harmful to herself or those who love her, I react during the event with nerves of steel. Nothing she says or does phases me. I am grace under fire. The first few events, I fell apart as soon as it was determined that she would be okay. I would take a shower and sob until my body ran out of tears and the shower ran out of hot water. Then, after many times of crisis, I stopped crying in the shower. I went into robot mode. I continued going through the motions of showering, working, and living. Inside I was numb and cold. I didn’t mean to stop feeling, it just happened. I still stood in the shower and waited for the tears, even tried to make them happen, but they didn’t. Meanwhile, J made it through the trauma and bounced back to normal life. Inside, I seethed with anger that she was back to normal and I would never know normal again.

Today I feel drugged. Last night, J’s friends came over and they hung out and shared some much needed laughter. They were silly and funny, and I enjoyed hearing them. But I am ice inside.

I have no gifts under the tree. I just don’t care. Everyone depends on me to set the tone, the mood for everything in our lives, but I want to curl up and sleep forever. This life is too hard for me right now.

English: Shower

English: Shower (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Writing and my humor are the only things I have left. Bear with me when I wallow in self-pity, will you?

PS I still cannot find my beloved camera. I fear it is gone forever and I cannot afford another one.

 

Lost: Camera That Fits My Heart December 16, 2012

I lost my camera. The last time I had it was the first of December when I went to a family reunion. Did I leave it in the motel room? Was it stolen? Have I just misplaced it?

I feel like I am missing part of my heart. My camera is an intricate part of me; part of how I express my emotions. My hands itch to hold it and frame scenes in front of me.

I lost my camera. I feel lost as well.

reflections