Who Am I? August 5, 2012

Who am I?

i am empathetic

~for animals and children, who need our love and devotion

~for broken humans, who are suffering in so many ways

~for elderly, who have lived and loved and become frail

i am liberal

~i believe equal rights mean equal for all

~i judge by who you are, not what you are

~i think all people should have the rights of all others

i am a survivor

~of childhood molestation

~of interior, self-inflicted wounds

~of life and all its curves

i am a mother

~my daughters will always come first

~my girls live in my heart wherever they may be

~my heart breaks every time they hurt

i am a creator

~of words that, together, come alive on a page

~of pictures i paint with film or acrylics

~of objects created of metal, glass and other beauties

i am a lover

~of animals and nature

~of music that feeds my soul with rhythm and words

~of my dogs, who quiet my restless soul

i am a hater

~of self, for things i cannot yet forgive

~of ignorant, bigoted people who spew hateful words at others

~of explantions molded to fit one view only

i am imperfect

~i hide from the truth when it hurts too much

~i pretend i’m okay when i’m not at all

~i lie to fit in and be safe in the group

i am a beast

~when you harm someone i love

~when your hatred turns against the helpless

~when i’m pushed into a corner, i come out swinging

i am so many things.

i am all of this and much, much more.

i am Rainey.

Impending Doom, Gay Rights, and Playing in Sprinklers: Just Another Day July 17, 2012

sprinkler (Photo credit: g_kat26)

Today was mostly a good day. I sat in the sun (even though it was hot as Hades) and read for a while. When I became too hot, I hooked up the sprinkler! I haven’t done that in ages, and it made me feel like a little kid again!

There are so many “projects” I need/want to do, but I am having too much fun just “being”. That is something I have always had trouble with; I feel guilty if I’m not doing something constructive. This week, though, I am just reading, playing games, and relaxing. It’s kind of nice to not be under constant stress.

Speaking of stress, J is struggling so much now. Her moods are all over the place, she’s still mostly depressed, and she is not herself. I have her pills (at least the heavy-duty ones that can do the most damage) unless she went to the psychiatrist and got new ones without telling me. She is having trouble with eating too much again and has done some purging. I don’t think she is cutting; I haven’t seen the signs. I just feel an omen, as if something is going to happen. I hope I am wrong.

I miss my other daughter, S. I have seen her only two times since she moved away, and she is already talking about moving to another state, one that recognizes gay marriage. I don’t blame her, and I want her to be happy, but I hate knowing that she must live elsewhere just to get married. So many in this state are vocally opposed to gay rights.  About three years ago, I had my own business (in addition to working my old job). This was when S first told me she was gay, and soon after, began living with her girlfriend…in the small town in which I work and live. Immediately, several customers stopped coming to my shop. This is the place in which I live and it makes me sad that people cannot just mind their own business and let others be. Even if I thought being gay was wrong (and I don’t), I would not presume to go around and tell others not to be gay!

That was my vent for the day. Just live, and let others live.