Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Quirky and Proud May 27, 2013

Filed under: about me,all,blogging,quotes — rainey46 @ 12:51 pm
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The older I get, the more I let my quirkiness show. I no longer care what anyone thinks about me. I am an original, and I am proud of it! Lovin’ my life!

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For the Weekend May 24, 2013

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Just What She Needed May 22, 2013

She stood at the sink lost deep in thought. It had been a long, rough day and she could feel the tension in her shoulders. She took two deep, cleansing breathes and tried to relax. Just as she inhaled one more deep breathe, she felt, rather than heard, his presence in the room. It was as if the air itself paused when he walked in.

She closed her eyes in anticipation. He didn’t disappoint. A moment later she felt his warm breathe on the back of her neck. With one gentle finger, he traced the contours of her spine from her neck to the small of her back. She shivered as his finger retraced the same path just as his lips found the sweet spot on her neck. She leaned back against him as she felt the tension leave her body. He wrapped his arms around her waist and gave her a gentle hug as he planted butterfly kisses up and down her neck. The stubble on his face tickled and made her giggle and squirm. With one swift motion he spun her around and pinned her against the counter as his mouth found hers. Her giggles turned to moans as he made her forget about the day.

He always seemed to know just what she needed.

 

P.S. I always read the WordPress “Recommended Tags” because sometimes they are ridiculous. This time made me laugh. One tag was “kiss”. Okay, that’s appropriate. The next one was “halitosis”. BAHAHAHA! 🙂 Makes me laugh!

 

Your Last Day to Live May 18, 2013

I read a post on Pinterest that stated, ” Today, treat each person as though you know it is their last day to live”. It really made me think about how I interact with others. We don’t know, do we? We don’t know what the future holds, or how much time we have left in this life. Every interact, every choice we make, could be our last. I’m not pointing this out to depress anyone; rather to make you think about how to live.

How many careless interactions do we have each day? When you buy a meal at the drive-thru window, do you even make real eye contact? We so often live our routines on auto-pilot that we forget that we are dealing with a real human, not a machine. It doesn’t help that these cashiers have to read from a script like a robot: ” HelloWelcometoBlahBlahHowMayIServeYou?” You then shout your order at a speaker box and listen for the tinny response that confirms that they screwed up your request yet again. When you finally sort it out and drive around, you hand the young teen  your cash while playing with your radio or chatting on your cell phone. (Talking on a cell phone in public is a MAJOR pet peeve of mine….I will save that for another post). You grab your instant-gratification food and drink and drive off. This entire interaction usually takes place without any real eye contact or “human-ness”. (Human-ness is a word I created to represent the actual, real interactions we humans have when we are tuned in and really connecting).  How many of these type of interactions do you have in a day? a week? How many times are you so lost in your own thoughts that you only respond with auto-pilot answers? How would it be different if you knew that the young man working the drive-thru had only hours left to live? Would you take the time to look him in the eyes? Would you make an extra effort to speak to him with real responses instead of auto-pilot?

Living in the moment is really being present in each moment and in each interaction. We need to stop interacting on auto-pilot. I am making a real effort to do this, but I notice that I keep falling back into old habits. It is something that takes constant work and reflection. I so often get lost in my own thoughts that I forget to be in the moment.

I went through a drive-thru window on my way to work yesterday to pick  up a cup of coffee. The cashier sounded bored as she ask me the usual questions. I responded to the speaker with great enthusiasm. I got the same bored, “ThankYouYourOrderComesTo$2.36PleaseDriveAround.” I did not let this deter me. When I drove around to the window, I looked the young woman in the eyes and smiled as I handed her my cash. She seemed mildly surprised. When she turned back, I told her I liked her tattoo. She smiled A REAL SMILE as she thanked me. She then confided, “I wish my mama liked it.”  I told her to give her mom time, maybe it would grow on her. For that moment, we shared something. We made a connection of human-ness. Will she remember this in another week? Doubtful. But that interaction gave me a little lift. I felt more energized. I felt….happier. If I made this kind of connection with every person I spoke to that day, this equals a lot of energizing, happy moments. You do the math….happy moment + happy moment = happier me.

 

 

 

 

 

Truth or Dare…If You Dare! May 12, 2013

Truth or Dare time….

TRUTH: I once flushed a set of car keys down the toilet. In a mental hospital while visiting my daughter. Did I mention they were rental car keys and I was 2,600 miles from home?

TRUTH: I used to pretend to like steamed oysters just so I could hang out with my dad and his buddies. I really thought they were gross (the oysters, not his buddies), but I loved spending time with my dad.

TRUTH: I am sometimes attracted to men, and sometimes to women. I think it is  a certain quality I find appealing, not sexuality.

TRUTH: Dog poop, dog vomit….neither bothers me at all. Let a kid throw up, and I am running the other way!

TRUTH: If I burp, I ALWAYS say excuse me. Even if I am alone.

DARE: I dare you to tell me a truth about YOU!

 

Firsts May 11, 2013

It takes guts to try something you’ve never done before. When I think back to many “firsts” in my life, I can still feel the butterflies in the pit of my stomach.

 

My first bicycle ride without training wheels: My sweaty palms gripped the handlebars of my banana seat Schwinn as I pushed off the pavement in my sneakers. My dad had his hand firmly on the sissy bar, so I started off well. The moment I sensed his hand let go I began to wobble. The front wheel jerked back and forth as though it were having a seizure, and my heart nearly pounded out of my chest. I had no control over the direction it took and in seconds the row of mailboxes loomed in front of me. I heard screams of “Hit the brake” but my legs were frozen and unable to respond. CRASH! My first ride ended in tears and bandages. Learning to ride was put off until I could lick my wounds and heal my pride.

 

My first time teaching my own class: I am not going to lie; the first day I was alone in my classroom I cried with joy. It took me seven long years to get my teaching degree, and it was the hardest thing I ever accomplished. I was proud and overwhelmed to finally be there, in MY classroom. Nerves drove me to dive in and prepare the bare room for my 24 students. Books were labeled, shelves were filled, and bright bulletin boards were assembled while the butterflies danced so hard in my stomach that I couldn’t even eat. I bet I rearranged 50 times before the first day of school! When my students walked in on that first day, all my nervousness disappeared. I knew I was right where I belonged. I stepped to the front of the class and began teaching.

 

My first pregnancy: Unless you have experienced this firsthand, you can only try to imagine. Having a life, a real, tiny human, growing inside of you is beyond anything else in this world. My nerves were at times so bad I would shake. Other times I felt confident that I would be a good mother. As my belly grew, I became more afraid. I was terrified I would do something that would damage this wondrous little piece of perfection. After giving birth, I held my body so tightly clenched the nurse kept telling me to relax. It was weeks before I finally gained some confidence and began to enjoy my baby girl.

 

Firsts can be scary, but trying new things or doing something for the very first time makes you feel more alive. Even if you fail, you gain from the experience of trying. I haven’t had any firsts or new things in a while, so maybe that’s what I need. I need to find a good, worthwhile “first” to try. It’s time to shake things up…

 

English: A Schwinn banana seat with sissy bar,...

English: A Schwinn banana seat with sissy bar, bobbed fender, and slick, square-profile tire, on a bicycle. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

 

The Journey April 10, 2013

He falls to the floor, a victim of a broken heart

the Goddess of Love wraps her tender arms

around the shattered pieces.

She pulls out each jagged splinter

with soft soothing hands

and kisses each wound with healing lips.

He lies still, too broken and uncaring to move

eyes glistening with un-shed tears

of lost hope and lost love.

The Love Goddess removes the final splinter

and begins the painstaking assembly

of his broken pieces of heart.

Hours become days, days turn to nights as she works

furrowed brow glistening with labor

while he remains motionless, lost in despair.

At last she straightens her aching back

and looking down upon her work she whispers,

“The rest is up to you, my sweet.”

The Goddess of Love caresses his bandaged heart

and kisses his lips for a lingering moment

before she dissolves into  a wisp of smoke.

Moments pass… until…he moves

with great effort, he lifts himself from the floor

and begins the journey of healing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Saw A Moment in Life April 7, 2013

I saw a small child unknowingly

drop a beloved stuffed dog

as his mother pushed the stroller

hurriedly, distractedly,

throughout the store.

I saw an elderly man

grunting, with great effort,

stoop to retrieve the ragged mutt

calling out in a deep, trembling voice

unheard and overlooked.

I saw the elderly gentleman

clutching the symbol of comfort

lurching with a slow

and painful gait,

follow the sound of crying.

I saw the distraught mother

desperately searching for a beloved toy

maternally knowing the significance

of the ‘Made in China’  item

to her much-loved child.

I saw the old man gasping for breath

quietly reach out a shaking hand

silencing the child with the gift

the mother’s face filling with relief

as her child felt safe once more.

I saw time stand still

and as a small incident in life

unfolded before me, I realized

there is a goodness in all

the little moments of life.

 

Feeling Better, Anti-Weepies, and Good Friends March 25, 2013

I’m getting there. Despite the chaos around me (or maybe BECAUSE of it) I feel…lighter. The heaviness in my head and chest is a little better today; the haze is lessening. I still have a certain sadness, a melancholy, if you will, but it is not crippling. I am able to think of tomorrow, and that there is a reason to see another tomorrow. That’s progress, my friends!

My dear friend Hannah (and she is a friend, even if I have never met her in “real life”) made a comment on my last post. She said I was bat-shit crazy and why didn’t I go take some damn anti-lunatic pills and stop pissing around already.

No, she didn’t really say that. 😉 But I wouldn’t be offended if she had! (See, I’m feeling better because my sense of humor is back.) This is what she actually wrote:

Don’t take this the wrong way, but have you considered medication? You are a wonderful, loving, giving person, and if you need some help getting through this period in your life, then you should have it. I’ve been on medication, and yes, it’s absolutely a crutch, but you know, sometimes you break your leg and it’s ok to use a crutch for a time. Not forever, maybe, but to get through the worst of it. So, all I’m saying is, if you don’t need it, then ok… but if you do, that’s alright, too.

My friend, I agree. Here is the sad thing: This is me on drugs. I AM ON MEDICINE!! And, here is the kicker…..they have changed it and increased it multiple times. Most of the time, I sail along with the usual ups and downs. But in recent years, the lows take me way, way down. Some may be situational…  after all, my life is the kind they write books about (and you would think it was all made up; no one could REALLY have a  life like that!). Some may be the residual effects of the abuse I suffered at a younger age. But I know some of these feelings are not based on current or past situations. Those mornings when I open my eyes only to see the darkness has descended; those days when nothing interests me; those nights when I beg my dreams to take me away, but all they do is mock me….that is depression in the purest form.

The pills do work. I stopped taking them once. Within days, all I could do was weep. Yes, weep. I’m not a woman to use that word lightly, but when the shoe fits…there is no other way to describe it. I. Could. Not. Function. I went back on the medicine, and felt like myself a few days later. That is NOT an experience I ever want to repeat. Don’t get me wrong; I like an occasional good cry: it is a powerful release that leaves me feeling cleansed and emotionally stable again. But WEEPING, however, is NOT FUN. You make no sense, the tears flow without any feeling of release, your nose gets all snotty and gross, and YOU CANNOT STOP! There is no end to weeping. It just gets quieter, but it doesn’t stop. It is a pathetic kind of crying with no purpose other than to make you look weak and stupid, and, yes, CRAZY. So I have no plans to stop taking my beautiful little “no-weepies” pills each day.

Do I need to go back and try a new kind of pill? Maybe. Okay, yes, I do. But that will have to wait until this summer, because I cannot afford to dive into the weepies at work. They kinda don’t know how unstable I really am, and I hope to keep fooling them for another day week year or two, if possible. So I will continue, the best that I can.

As for you, my dear friends, thank you. Thank you for your kind, encouraging words when things get tough for me. I’m not able to reply when things are bad, but I want you to know I am reading and it does matter. I know my bouts with depression are not fun to read about, but it is healing and helpful to me to get it out. I cannot say what I feel, and I hide it from those around me, but for some reason I can write about it straight from the heart. When I write, I don’t censor. So you are seeing me naked, down to the very center of my humanist. I am honored that any of you stick around to read. The fact that so many of  you actually care enough to comment and wish me well…it blows me away. It gives me hope for the human race. And yes, if I hadn’t taken my pills, I might even be a little weepy right now…

 

cRaSh March 11, 2013

Filed under: about me,all,journal,life,lifestyle,personal,thoughts — rainey46 @ 7:27 pm
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Life just rolls along, everything going fine, then….

CRASH

[Heavy sigh.]  Sometimes my life is a train wreck.