Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Shattered May 24, 2014

When she goes off the deep end, I break inside. Every tiny little piece of carefully built hope shatters.

I live every single day with fear, hope, and dread. Fear of what she will do, fear of the unknown horrors the day may bring. Hope that we will both come through this day unscathed. I live with dread. Dread invades me with every text or call. But I also live with happiness. Happiness fills my heart and soul when we roll through problems and make it to the other side. I’m happy when the day goes well.

She started drinking again; binge drinking alone in her room. I suspected it, but had not confronted her. I called her at 3 in the afternoon because I needed her to meet me somewhere. She had to admit to me that she couldn’t because she was drunk. (She just got off work at 2:45.) I couldn’t help myself; I was filled with rage. I didn’t let it out at her though; I simple made a statement that she was drinking a lot lately and then said I’d talk to her later and hung up.

She, of course, could not let it go. Text and phone calls began…”Are you upset?” “Are you mad at me?” I tried to ignore, but I finally answered the phone. I didn’t let it all fly, but I told her the truth…I am angry. I am angry because you are choosing an old crutch…drinking..that I thought we’d conquered in the past. I said I wish she would learn how to live through the tough times in life without using a crutch that made things worse.  She got very mad at me and said I was being mean and I had no right to be mad at her because she wasn’t doing anything to me and why did I say these things to her? I reminded her that SHE called me, and I was trying to keep my distance until the anger passed. She hung up.

I was looking forward to this nice, 3-day weekend. In fact, I left work a little early yesterday so I could get home. Instead, I drove around for a while, did some shopping, did anything to avoid going home to her because I could feel the storm brewing.

We avoided one another at first. A couple of hours passed before she came at me, screaming, “Are you not going to talk to me?” I told her I was still angry, and felt it was better if we didn’t talk right then. She kept on. Usually I can remain in control of my emotions, but honestly I’m just tired. Work has been hard, living with her is always difficult, and I feel the tiredness like a disease deep in my soul. I tried to explain to her that I am allowed to have emotions, too, and I’m tired of holding them in because of her. I didn’t unleash the fury of what I felt, but she saw a peek. She turned it around on me and said I made her feel like crap for having addictions. That I was the only one she had to turn to (which is not true). I told her I couldn’t be her “only one” that sometimes I needed a break. She became furious and stormed out, got in her car, and left.

She began sending “I’m sorry” and “I just want to die” messages to her sister and a friend. I couldn’t even find the energy to be worried. Does this make me a horrible person? I didn’t really even get scared because it felt like another manipulation game. She was trying to punish me for being angry.

She eventually came home…after I gave in and played her game. “Please come home so I will know you are safe,” I wrote in a text. Her sister went out and found her and convinced her to go home.

We had an event that my daughters and I were to attend this morning. They went without me. I just don’t want to be around her, or the world right now. She is fine today, happy and having fun. Me? I’m tired. I’m shattered. I’ll be here alone, trying to put the pieces beck together so I can make it through the next storm.

 

 

Peace December 25, 2013

I know that it is difficult for many to make it through this time of year (myself included). Just know that you are not alone in your feelings, and that there is a brighter and better tomorrow. Take a deep breathe and take it one moment at a time. If being around relatives is difficult, just remember: YOU control how you feel. Do not give others that power. Do not allow yourself to fall into the trap of being reactive.

If you are alone (not by choice) try volunteering at a soup kitchen or shelter. You will be lifted by what your kindness can do for others.

I wish you all peace, love, and joy this holiday season.

 

Finding the Happy Middle December 1, 2013

We did it. We went, we ate, we talked, and we made it out: alive and still friendly with all family members. Thanksgiving 2013: conquered.

On to Christmas. Tis the season to be jolly….to overspend on crap we don’t need…to eat until we gain weight… That is how it has felt for me the last few years.  But this year, it feels different. Not the way it was when my daughters were young, and everything was over the top. I seem to have found my Christmas spirit for the first time in a few years. I’m actually putting up a tree and a few decorations. Keep in mind, prior to 5 years ago, my house was the glow you could see on the horizon. Every bush and every tree sparkled and glowed. Icicles glimmered from the roof line, and trees peeked from every window. Then my spirit abandoned me. I didn’t even want a tree, and buying gifts was a chore.

I seem to have found a  happy middle. I’m kind of liking this.

 

Close to Perfection October 27, 2013

Fall Day and Night 2013 006Yesterday was magical. It was as close to a perfect day as you could ever desire. If you read my post yesterday, you know it began with coffee and quiet reflection before the sun rose. I then fell back asleep, which I guess I needed. I had peaceful dreams and awoke feeling refreshed. I did a quick house cleaning and washed a few clothes. (So, okay, in a perfect world those things wouldn’t need to be done, but I did say it was CLOSE to perfect.)

I spent the rest of the morning and afternoon painting. I put Pandora Radio on my Kindle and listened to The Tallest Man on Earth, Gordon Lightfoot, Incubus, Mumford and Sons, Fun., Blind Melon, and many others, old and new. The air was cold, but I painted on my back porch anyway. I love a crisp fall day! While painting, I used textures for the first time. I love the look of a textured painting, but I’ve never tried it. It turned out  pretty good for my first try. It didn’t even bother me that hubs didn’t like it; I know he is not crazy about a lot of my art, but he is supportive about it. I really like it, and someone already asked to buy it!

As I was winding down my painting, I started a big pot of homemade chili and sent a text to my daughters and daughter in law (What do you call your gay daughter’s significant other? Not sure about that.) inviting them over. I set the chairs up around the fire pit and we had a few beers while eating delicious chili. The night air was cold, but the warmth of the fire kept us toasty.

This is what life is all about.

Fall Day and Night 2013 002

 

 

Unseen Burdens October 13, 2013

We all carry unseen burdens. Some hide their burdens very well, and you never know they exist. On the outside, these people seem to have it all, and many around them are envious. They look at their own flawed existence, and wonder why they cannot have that beautiful life.

I’ve lived on both sides. I was once the envied one, not because my life was perfect, but because I hid the flaws so well. I’ve also looked at others and wished I had their life. I’ve lived and experienced enough now, though, to know better. I have my set of problems, just like everyone else. None of us have it all figured out; we are all swimming in our own sea of doubts, fears, and sadness.

I no longer waste time feeling jealous of others. I also no longer hide the flaws of my world. It could be better, but it could be worse. I try to face my personal demons with humor. When depression sets in, I lay low and wait it out. When the good times come back, I live them fully and ride the wave of happiness as long as I can. When Bipolar Betty takes over my daughter, I help her through what I can, and remind myself it is the disease, not my daughter, acting and talking. We hold on tightly, and make it through together, as a family.

This is my life. These are my burdens. Don’t be jealous of me, and I won’t be jealous of  you.

 

Minty Fresh Feet That Elvis Would Love September 1, 2013

Blue Suede Shoes in Marks & Spencer's window

Blue Suede Shoes in Marks & Spencer’s window (Photo credit: Diego’s sideburns)

I’m a “Do It Myself” kinda gal; I love trying homemade recipes for clothes detergent or household cleaner. I enjoy facials made from fruit, vegetables, or honey that I have right here in my kitchen. Most of the time it is a fun adventure that lends good results.

Today I decided to pamper myself. After spending the day in the heat going from one store to another looking for clothes appropriate for work, (By the way, to any clothing manufacturers who may read this: I am NOT a young teenage girl who spray-paints her clothes on; I AM a full-bodied, mature woman who does not want to put the girls on display, but I am also not a little old granny wearing polyester suits….THERE IS A GROUP OF US WOMEN IN BETWEEN!!!!) I came home and searched the wonderful ‘net for foot bath recipes. Simple, refreshing, and softening: that’s what I needed to go with the new nail polish I bought. I found a great sounding recipe on Pinterest (the life-sucking site where you can find everything you ever wanted to do but probably never will) that called for three ingredients that I knew I had: warm water, vinegar, and Listerine. I mixed it in a large plastic bowl, grabbed my Kindle and a beer, and settled down for a relaxing soak.

It felt really good, even though the water cooled down quickly. I sipped my beer and enjoyed the book I am reading (The Witness, by Sandra Brown). I probably soaked a little longer than the 20 minutes it called for, but not too long. The recipe promised the “dead skin would roll off when  you wiped with a towel”, so I grabbed a towel and wiped. I could feel some skin removed, but something else was NOT coming off: the blue coloring of the Listerine! I tip-toe ran to the bathtub and rinsed my feet with fresh water. I still looked like I was wearing Elvis’ Blue Suede Shoes! I grabbed a loofah sponge and scrubbed. Hard. The blue finally started to come off….a little.

After THIRTY MINUTES OF INTENSE SCRUBBING, my feet only look slightly like they belong on Smurfette. The good news is, after all that scrubbing, I removed several LAYERS of skin, so my feet are softer. I am proud to say my feet are minty fresh, soft, and only slightly blue…

 

Ready to Shed Summer

I’m ready to shed what is left of this lukewarm summer. It is time for cool autumn winds to blow this humid, heavy air away until next year.  This summer has not been a good one for me, and I am not sorry to see it go. I am back at work, with more responsibility than ever before. It is what I need.

I have a goal to not let work and everyday life get in the way of enjoying….LIFE. The weekend before work started I went on a quick trip to the mountains, just hubs and I. It rekindled something for us. We are good together, but I’d forgotten that we could be GREAT together. I don’t want to lose that.

I also don’t want to lose my art. I have this habit of immersing myself so fully in my job that I leave time for nothing else. My art releases so much for me, and I want to continue to learn and grow. I cannot do that by only creating a month or two out of the year. I have a need for art in my life.

Autumn….I am so ready for pots of homemade soup; crisp brown leaves crunching underfoot; brilliantly colored leaves decorating the mountains; and the smell of wood smoke drifting from chimneys. Autumn is my favorite time of year.