Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Peace December 25, 2013

I know that it is difficult for many to make it through this time of year (myself included). Just know that you are not alone in your feelings, and that there is a brighter and better tomorrow. Take a deep breathe and take it one moment at a time. If being around relatives is difficult, just remember: YOU control how you feel. Do not give others that power. Do not allow yourself to fall into the trap of being reactive.

If you are alone (not by choice) try volunteering at a soup kitchen or shelter. You will be lifted by what your kindness can do for others.

I wish you all peace, love, and joy this holiday season.


Seasonal Songs..Uncut December 6, 2013

Somehow I think that some lyrics of many famous Christmas songs are not as well-known as others.


Let’s sing some now, shall we?

Deck the Halls: Uncut

Deck the halls with tacky bling bling


I wrote this song for you to sing sing,


Now we drink with merry pleasure

While we laugh ’bout nasty weather




Or how about this one?


Oh, Christmas Tree: Uncut

Oh Christmas tree

Oh Christmas tree,

Your tackiness delights us.

Oh Christmas tree

Oh Christmas tree,

Your tackiness delights us.

Your costly lights oh how they shine

I cannot pay that bill of mine!

Oh Christmas tree

Oh Christmas tree,

Your tackiness delights us.

Or this classic:


Up On the Housetop: Uncut

Up on the housetop,

reindeer slide

tired of pulling a fat man’s ride

Huffing and puffing and needing a break

Wishing he had  eaten one less steak.



Finding the Happy Middle December 1, 2013

We did it. We went, we ate, we talked, and we made it out: alive and still friendly with all family members. Thanksgiving 2013: conquered.

On to Christmas. Tis the season to be jolly….to overspend on crap we don’t need…to eat until we gain weight… That is how it has felt for me the last few years.  But this year, it feels different. Not the way it was when my daughters were young, and everything was over the top. I seem to have found my Christmas spirit for the first time in a few years. I’m actually putting up a tree and a few decorations. Keep in mind, prior to 5 years ago, my house was the glow you could see on the horizon. Every bush and every tree sparkled and glowed. Icicles glimmered from the roof line, and trees peeked from every window. Then my spirit abandoned me. I didn’t even want a tree, and buying gifts was a chore.

I seem to have found a  happy middle. I’m kind of liking this.


The Simple Truth December 16, 2012

Copy of Original illustration from "A Chr...

Copy of Original illustration from “A Christmas Carol” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve watched Christmas shows on TV today to get myself more in the spirit of the season. It has helped somewhat because I love the old cheesy shows and they have played all day.

Right now I am watching the newest version of  “A Christmas Carol”. You know, the story about Scrooge and the three ghosts who come to visit him in the night? The one that is some creepy shit for kids to watch? Yeah, that one! Anyway, as I see Scrooge escorted around by first one weird ghost and then another, dropping in to eavesdrop on various people in his life, it made me start to think. (Dangerous, I know).

What if we could do that? I mean, what if we could really see what people thought and said about us? Think how life-changing that would be! Sure, feelings would be hurt and friendships would be over, but think how freeing it would be to be truthful.

What would it be like to live without the niceties of society? No more “Politically Correct” words, just the unvarnished truth. If you didn’t like someone, you wouldn’t have to pretend to like them.  you could surround yourself with people you truly cared about. You wouldn’t have to wonder what someone thought of you, because you would KNOW!

I realize I am taking a very simplistic view of something that is NOT simple, but the idea of living with the TRUTH is so refreshing!


The Perfect Christmas Tree December 6, 2012

He stood outside the window and admired the twinkling lights and shiny decorations that adorned the tree. The brightly colored lights flashed on and off and cast reflections of green, red, blue, and yellow against the dark green evergreen branches. The boy loved that the tree was real, not one of the fake ones he saw in all the stores. The branches displayed a variety of ornaments, all unique and unmatched. That’s the way it should be, he thought. A Christmas tree holds memories of all Christmas’ past, with new memories added each year. This tree was the definitely the best

English: A Christmas Tree at Home

English: A Christmas Tree at Home (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

tree ever.

His eyes drifted from the tree to the presents beneath. His breath caught in his throat as he imagined ripping into the packages in the early hours of Christmas morning, with his mom and dad looking on with sleepy eyes and faint smiles. I wonder what is in the big one in the back, he thought. Perhaps it’s a football. Maybe it is a pair of cool tennis shoes. His mind began to reel with the idea of the many things it might be, and how it would feel to rip open the box.

“What the hell are you doing, boy?” Startled from his thoughts, he looked up to see an angry middle-aged man bearing down on him. The boy felt rooted to the ground where he stood outside.

“Planning on stealing from me? Hell no, you will not! I will teach you a lesson you will never forget!” The man stepped from the door and marched toward him. In his hand he held a wooden baseball bat. That sight motivated the boy to move. He took off running in the opposite direction of the threatening man. Never daring to look back, he ran down the middle of the road without stopping until his sides ached and felt ready to split open. Only then did he look back and finally stop. Tears were streaming down his face as he gulped in the cold air. The boy leaned against the lamppost until his breathing returned to normal. He continued walking slowly down the street until he could see the neon lights of the burger restaurant glowing in the distance. Right before the parking lot of the restaurant he looked around to make sure no one saw him before he ducked underneath the rusting chain length fence that surrounded a dilapidated building. The building used to be a factory. Now it was his home.

When he stepped inside the dank building he heard his mom right before her hand came down across his face.

“Where you been?” she hissed through clenched lips. “I been worried sick about you!” The boy hung his head and didn’t even try to explain. How do you say that you were standing in someone’s front yard, wishing and dreaming that you could be someone, anyone, other than who you are?

Just as quickly as she slapped him, his mother grabbed him and held him tightly in a hug. “I jus’ worry ’bout you, you know? Anyway, I found some pretty good leftovers next door. Let’s go have some supper.” The boy untangled from her hug and walked deeper into the building. It was time for supper.


Life Break December 3, 2012

Boy and girl play ping-pong, circa 1950

Boy and girl play ping-pong, circa 1950 (Photo credit: Center for Jewish History, NYC)

Some days, I don’t have anything to say. Or rather, I have so much to say that I don’t know what to say! Today is one of those days. My thoughts are bouncing around in my brain like a ping-pong ball. So I guess today I will ramble.

  • My dog is sick. She has diarrhea and it is lasting much too long. I really have no money to take her to the vet, but I may not have any choice. I have called the vet and he said to try canned pumpkin to see if it helps. I pray she is better soon.
  • My daughter, J, is sick. She has a cold. She acts as if the world is ending. I have no pity.
  • It is December 3. DID YOU HEAR ME? DECEMBER 3rd ALREADY??!! I am not ready for Christmas. I have no spirit. I have no tree. I have no money. I have no desire to craft any gifts. <sigh>
  • I’m not really in a funk. Well, not totally. But I can feel the darkness, hovering just out of sight. I have fought it with all of my might, trying to hold it off. I think I’m losing the battle.
  • You know what I really want to do? Curl up in a ball in the center of my big comfy bed, and let someone else take care of everything. I would like to be able to just “be”. No demands, no problems, no fake cheer.
  • I cannot fall asleep at night. I lay there, tossing and turning, until finally I drift off. When the alarm screams at me, it feels as if I am in a coma and I fight to wake up and stay awake.

I need a life break.


Invisible Me December 2, 2012

invisible meDo you ever feel invisible? I mean truly, completely, invisible? A few years ago I felt that way every single time I got together with any group of people. We would  stand around and tell stories that ran from one person to the next. You know, where one person would tell a story, then the next person would jump in and piggy-back a similar story, and then the next person…you get it.  Every time this happened, I would start my story, and no one would listen. It’s like they didn’t even hear me or see me. My voice would falter and fade away. The stories would continue, we would all laugh and make appropriate comments, but every single time I tried to talk, not one single person heard. I don’t know why.

That is the way I feel when I get together with my husband’s family. I can sit in a corner and not speak to a soul and none of them would even notice. I don’t think they dislike me,  but they don’t really like me. It used to bother me a lot, but now it is kind of fun to sit back and quietly watch the interactions among the grown brothers and sisters with their assorted grown children. I get an up close and personal view of the love, animosity, jealousy, and anger that appears in small glimpses.

This time, it was slightly different. The family met at a local restaurant for the annual Christmas dinner. Things went pretty much as normal: hugs and greetings as each family arrived and joined the table. I ended up at the far end of the table, as usual. Hubs sat beside me, and my daughter, S, sat across from me. Beside S sat E, her life partner. SCRATCH! Life partner?! That’s right, E joined us for the first time. Hubs hasn’t told his family our youngest daughter is gay. It was almost comical how each person tried to make a point to spend time at our end of the table, seeking things to talk about so they could get an up-close look at The Beans. (That’s my nickname for S and E; it’s a kind of joke between us. “The Lesbians” became “The Beans”). The Beans tolerated the attention remarkably well, and we kept glancing at each other and giggling. How silly everyone was acting, and yet it was no big deal that my niece couldn’t attend because she lost her license for THREE years.

It was also funny that, for the first time in many years, I was not invisible at the party.


Different July 4, 2012

There once was a girl who had everything she needed. She had a mother and father who loved her. She lived in a nice house in suburbia with her parents, brother, sister, and dog. She had many friends to play with in the neighborhood. This girl had everything, and yet she felt different. She was an average looking girl, but she always felt ugly. Because she felt different inside she learned to hide her feelings and true thoughts at a very young age.
This girl grew up and became a young woman. She had strange new feelings and began to drink and do drugs. She still felt different, as if no one would ever understand her. She tried to fit in with first one group, then another, but never felt herself.
This young woman grew up and became a mother. She tried her best to be a good mother, but it was so hard. She still felt different and by this time unlovable. She sometimes felt so incomplete she just wanted to run away or die.  She still felt unhappy and different.
I wish this story had a happy ending. I don’t know yet, though, because I am still living it. Maybe, one day, she will fit in, feel lovable, and find out it’s okay to be different.