Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Time Will Tell November 17, 2013

I stumbled upon a Facebook page of my old high school. I live within thirty minutes of where I grew up, but high school was not a good time for me so I put that time of my life behind me- along with the people I knew then. For some reason, I scrolled through a few screens of people trying to reconnect, or announcements of class reunions, and a name suddenly jumped out at me…the name of one of the men who gang raped me when I was 16. I closed my eyes and almost didn’t look at the page. After a moment, I looked: it was his death announcement.

I followed a link to an online obituary that showed pictures of him: with his wife, then children and grandchildren. The younger pictures looked just like the man I knew: cute, almost shy smile; slightly mussed blonde hair; and clear tan skin. As he aged, he got a little heavier, but seemed to maintain his “boy-next-door” good looks.

I expected to feel rage that he lived an ordinary life when I lived so much of mine in emotional pain. I expected to feel relief that he was dead and had suffered from the ravages of cancer. But I felt neither of these emotions.

I really felt….nothing. Just a little twinge that someone I once knew was dead.

Does this mean that I’ve really finally healed? Did I take back my power after all these years?

I hope so.

Only time will tell.

 

A Reason to Put on a Bra February 24, 2013

Damn. I have to go out today, so I must put on real pants. And a bra. AND SHOES! Oh, well. It’s for a great reason. My youngest daughter, S (not the one with bipolar) and her life partner, E, are buying a house.

S is only 24 years old and she is buying a house! That is pretty incredible to me. She has always been one to go after what she wants. In school, she was driven to get terrific grades and take all the hardest classes. She graduated in the top 10% of her class, but still managed to play sports and maintain a good relationship with her group of friends. The one thing she did not do is have a boyfriend or girlfriend. She always said she was too busy to date, and that the boys were too immature. After high school, she went away to college for a year and hated it. S never got into partying and chasing boys, so she didn’t fit in. She toughed it out for a year then came home to attend community college. She graduated with a degree in the health field and makes more money than I do!

During this time, S worked a part-time job and lived with a roommate in a small house nearby. She came to me one day and, with tears in her eyes, told me she was bisexual. My sweet girl was worried about telling us, but I think I knew before she did! It wasn’t long after that when she met E.

Our state does not recognize same-sex marriages, but they have exchanged rings and consider themselves married. Now, here we are, about to see the house they want to buy.

Life is funny, you know? You can dream and imagine what you think you want in life, or how you think your life might be, but seldom will you be right. I never thought I would be the mother to two incredible girls who grew to be such wonderful, yet diverse, women. One battles daily hardships that would make most people crumble, and yet she forges on. The other sees what she wants in life and goes for it, against all odds.

It’s a great feeling to know that I, with all the baggage and problems I have, still managed to raise and mold such terrific humans. There might be hope, after all. And I guess that is a good reason to put on a bra and even shoes.