Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Baby Steps to Change January 10, 2013

I’ve been home from work for two days, sick to my stomach. I don’t know if I have a virus or if it is just my nerves and anxiety. Either way, I feel like total poo. I’ve done nothing but sleep. I just took a shower (at noon on day 2) and I feel shaky and worn out. I tried to do a little house cleaning (because no one else in this house ever picks up the slack when I am sick) but I’m too shaky for that right now. Maybe later I will feel like it.

So here I am, back to writing. My dogs curled up against me just as they always are when they sense I am down. Other than the dogs, I am home alone. The weather is gentle today and I have the blinds open so I can see the world. Pandora (radio) is off, as is the television, so it is quiet. I’m trying to give myself a little peace so that I can get my thoughts together.

I’ve thought, in between dreaming, of the comments from my post yesterday. You are all such great people to give a complete stranger (one who is bonkers on top of that :D) such thoughtful responses. It is so easy to get lost in the everydayness of my life. When I put my bald thoughts (I call them bald because I write straight from my heart, no holding back, no editing) down for you to see, you respond with kindness, and love, and empathy. I am showing you, people I don’t even know, the darkest corners of my blackest heart, and you are NICE to me. That is the most incredible gift.

And you give me much to think about. There are parts of my heart that feel wholesome and good. I can see that part of me at times and it feels…right. Other times I cannot see through the murky darkness and it is as if my very soul is black. I watch the nightly news and it bothers me when I see the damage that humans are capable of doing to one another…I am afraid that in my blackest corner I am capable of those same horrors. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t ever think of hurting others, but I am a damaged human and so are those who commit the horrors, therefore….you see where I am going. And I know, I know, I can hear my logic professor (and many of you) screaming “Faulty logic!!”. It’s just how my mind works. I see these people who murder or steal or hurt others and I know they are making bad choices just as I am. Mine are not THAT bad, of course, but that is just shades of grey (not the book). My choices are still hurtful to some, but mostly to myself because I am so aware of it. I am very aware of my faults and shortcomings but have trouble seeing the good in me. When I look in the mirror, I see the ugliness inside.

I am a constant work in progress. I am becoming who I am. This I know.  Now it is time to take those baby steps to change. This is the next part of my journey.

 

 

 

 

What Blogging Means to Me July 13, 2012

I began my blog, Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights, in July of 2010. It started as a way for me to let off steam while dealing with my oldest daughter’s multiple diagnoses of bipolar, eating disorder, anxiety, OCD, and ADD. I wrote a whopping thirteen times that year, then only two times in 2011. At that time, I didn’t write enough to find my voice or my fellow bloggers. Then in January of this year, I began to write again. I felt like I needed to say so many things, and not just about my daughter. This time, writing meant much more and seemed so personal; I honestly don’t know how to explain it,  but words began to pour from me in poems, stories, and ramblings.  I had so much I needed to write….and it felt GREAT!

Blogging made me see that I, too am suffering with mental issues; I’ve always been so busy taking care of everyone else in my life I didn’t allow myself to see my own afflictions. After blogging, I could read back over what I had written. It made me take more notice of my ups and downs and realized I might need professional help. I saw my doctor and will soon see a specialist due to the encouragement of the blogging community.

Next came something so amazing, so astonishing, I still can’t believe it: other bloggers began to like my words and started following my blog! That is such an incredible gift. When I have a bad day and one of my blogging buddies responds with words of wisdom BECAUSE THEY HAVE BEEN THERE, it means the world to me. It also feels great when I have a good day and I can cheer up a blogging friend!

I am no one special. I’ve not done anything extraordinary in my life. I am just an America gal leading an American life. Yet I now have friends all over the globe, thanks to blogging. We are all just brothers and sisters living and growing in our little corners of the world. We all struggle, we all have victories, and we all need other humans with which to interact. Blogging strips away the outer shells we normally show the world and allows us to expose our inner selves. And  you know what? It feels good to share secrets from the depths of our hearts and to have it accepted by others. It feels damn good.

So this post is for you, my fellow bloggers. I hold a glass of wine (really, it is Pepsi, but we can pretend) up to you and say, “Cheers! Here’s to friendship and understanding!” Because it doesn’t really matter that we have never met, and probably never will. True friends are there when you need them. Thanks for being there for me.

Hugs,

~Rainey

 

 

 

Words to a Child June 10, 2012

Cover of "The Help"

Cover of The Help

“You is kind. You is smart. You is important.”

Last year, I read the book, “The Help” and then saw the movie by the same name. As usual, I liked the book best, but that is because I am a reader. The movie was great and stuck closely to the book, so I highly recommend both.

The quote above was said by Aibileen Clark, a black maid/nanny to Mae Mobley, her small white charge. Aibileen repeated those words to Mae Mobley daily to help make up for the fact that her own mother couldn’t be bothered with her. It is my favorite quote because it is so simple, and yet, so right.

Imagine if every day someone said these words to you, and they meant it. Imagine hearing these words every single day since you were a small child. Would it change things? Would hearing these words help to override the negative voice inside your own head?

My own mother did the best she could. I am sure she said some positive things to me along the roads of my childhood. She is not an affectionate person, so I don’t remember hugs, kisses, or her even saying that she loved me. In her mind, it was understood. In my mind, I felt unloveable, and that feeling haunts me to this day. The words I remember, like many of us, are the negative ones. Would things be different if she had repeated heartfelt words of encouragement  daily? Or am I just a person destined to feel unworthy of real love?

I don’t know the answers, but if you have young children, it couldn’t hurt to try. Look at your child each day and try to give some affirmation of real love. Maybe, just maybe, those words will sink in and change your child’s world.

 

First Appointment? Check April 26, 2012

Well, I kept my appointment with the doctor today. It was just with my GP, not with a specialist. She listened to me and agreed that something else besides depression was going on. She did up the dosage of my anti-depressant to help me through the next month or so. She stopped short of saying it was bipolar, but wants me to see a psychiatrist and consider therapy. She didn’t have one to recommend, so I worry about finding a good one. This area is not known for great mental health support, and we have gone through hell finding any help for my daughter during the past 6 years. Hopefully I will find one that will listen to me. I am going to kept writing and keeping my mood journal until then.

I feel….anti-climatic. I guess I wanted her to give me some sort of test and say, “You have _______ wrong with you and here is the magic pill to make it all better.” Logically, of course, I KNOW this will never happen. There isn’t a definitive test for mental illness. There isn’t a magic pill. I have seen my daughter go through such incredible struggles, and I know the road is never smooth. But my life has never been smooth and sometimes I just wish I could get a little slack….Okay, I’m finished whining. I will do what I always do: put on my big girl pants and keep on going. It just seems that if I stop trying it would be so much easier.

 

Black Tide April 15, 2012

A wretched tiredness seeps into my body

weighing down my lead-filled bones

every thought is taxing and painful

any action inconceivable

sleeping makes me need more sleep

ringing phones bury me deeper

the Black Tide is back, pulling me under

the weight of the swirling dark water

comforts me, begs me to just let go

at first it cradles me, rocks me gently

soothes and holds me with grace

slowly i begin to sink as hungry Black Tide

pulls harder, more forceful now

demanding that i comply

Tide is selfish, taking more and more

wanting, needing, devouring my very soul.

“No more struggles,” Tide says seductively

i float away into the darkness, eyes closed

glad the fight is over, then~

i feel a soft nudge against my leaden arm

my eyes open and gaze with wonder

Hope has appeared by my side

“Hang on”,  Hope whispers in my ear

i grasp hold with my last ounce of strength

Hope surges through Black Tide

carrying me up towards the sun

suddenly we burst out of the darkness

Hope gently places me on the warm sand

Exhausted, i lie with quiet gratitude

but the waves of  Black Tide

lap at my feet, waiting to take me

again.

 

Nature Speaks to My Soul April 3, 2012

the bright yellow rays of sunbeams

feed energy deep into my weary soul

awakening and reviving my spirit

giving me hope for better days to come

~

dripping aqua-blue raindrops

cleanse my spirit of wicked demons

bathing my soul in a soft purity

wiping the slate for a new beginning

~

cool, crisp, early morning breezes

blow stale cobwebs from my brain

clearing my dark thoughts away

only leaving room for brightness

~

I am at my most serene

when nature speaks to my soul

giving me back a peaceful existence

ready again to face the human race

 

 

 

 

 

doppelgänger April 1, 2012

for such a long while i have deceived you

i’m not really me anymore

the doppelgänger me is sleepwalking through my days

faking a smile, completing my tasks with semi-efficiently

while i remain curled protectively around my heart

no one is the wiser and it’s been better this way

but now…

the black tide is rising and i’m growing too tired to swim

the doppelgänger me is beginning to crack

the painted smile is fading

it’s getting too hard

alice is falling through the glass

you will soon know that i am no more

and that leaves me

with nothing.