Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

A goodbye Sail July 18, 2012

Trigger warning: this poem deals with death and saying good-bye to someone  you love.

I awoke with a longing to sail the fair sea

The water sparkles as the sun rises before me

The day is so lovely, the skies so blue

All I really want is to spend it with you.

~

We pull up anchor and set sail together

I wish for this moment just to last forever

The sun rises higher, caresses my bare skin

I close my eyes as you kiss me there and then.

~

We feed one another and share the red wine

Your soft touch gives me chills down my spine

You look into my eyes and I feel it in my soul

I beg you to hold me and never let me go.

~

All too soon the glorious sun slowly begins to sink

the skies turn marvelous shades of purple and pink

We turn the bow back toward the far land

You smile, reach out, and clasp my hand.

~

“This moment”, you say, with your eyes on mine

“will forever be ours for all of time.”

We speak our good byes as we sail to the dock

both wish we could stop and turn back the clock.

~

We’ll meet again soon, your eyes say to mine

There’s lots of life left, we have plenty of time.

My eyes fill with tears because I know this is not true

but I smile and hide them so as not to upset you.

~

We soon part and go our own separate ways

vowing to do it again in the upcoming days

I let the tears fall when I am all alone

unknown to you I will soon be gone.

~

This was my gift, my one last goodbye

I have less than a month before I will die

As pain ravages my body and drugs help not at all

memories of you help me hold myself up tall.

~

Our memories flash before me as if on a movie screen

The time with you were the best moments I’ve ever seen

Death hovers now and soon my life will soon be over

But please know I will carry you in my heart into forever.

 

 

My Dear Old Friend July 10, 2012

He gazes down at me
With wise, soulful eyes
I lean against his knee
As he tells me stories
Of long, long ago
When knights roamed the land
And beauty won the heart
Of the bellowing beast
He holds the answers to questions
Of our near and distant past
He whispers the sweet secrets
Of lovers spoken in the heart
He is old, gnarled and bent
With his numerous years
Wiser than any I have known
He has already lived long
And will live beyond me
My dear old friend, the tree.

image

 

Love July 9, 2012

Love is sometimes soft
Paper-thin and fragile
As a butterfly wing
It can whisper in you ear
And leave you breathless.

Love is sometimes painful
Raw, sore and jagged

image

Like a shard of glass
It can rip your heart
And leave you broken.

Love is always worthwhile
Hopeful, precious, and exciting
Like a new beginning
It can inspire you
And leave you wanting more.

 

 

The Breakup and Breakdown July 7, 2012

It’s bad. It’s real bad. My daughter, J and her boyfriend broke up, got back together, and broke up again. She seemed fine at first; we came to the lake, some of her friends came and joined us, and we all had a great time. She rode back home with her friends yesterday. Now, the bipolar depression is kicking her with a vengeance. I am, once again, at a loss. Do I go home? If so, what do I do? I tried to get her to come back up here but she will not do it. Now I am feeling panicked and anxious. I love her but feel like I am drowning myself, then I have to also carry her. I don’t know how many more of these ups and downs I can survive.
My daughter is 25. Will she ever be alright without me? Will I survive myself?

 

Alone with My Thoughts

I wonder…
If I lived by the water, would I still feel that sense of peace I get now when I sit by a body of water?
Why so many people intentionally try to hurt ( emotionally and physically) others?
What people really see when they look at me?
Why is sand so soft, when it is really just tiny rocks?
Why I spent my life accumulating so much ” stuff” that I now wish I didn’t have?
What would happen if I just disappeared and started a whole new life?
Why are most bathing suits so uncomfortable?
How can anyone harm an animal?
Why am I here? What is my purpose?
Why bad foods taste so good?
Why innocent children are raped, diseased, or murdered? What is the point?
Why do we most humans look at movie stars as idols, and yet police, firefighters, and teachers are seldom appreciated and usually low paid?
Why nature is so beautiful, but humans continue to destroy it?
Why smoking weed is illegal, but tobacco and alcohol are not?
( Just for the record, I’ve had none of the above…today…lol)
I guess I’m in a strange mood. I just have all of these random thoughts bouncing in my head; some serious, some not so much.  When I am alone with my thoughts, this is what happens! Kind of scary, huh? What are some of your ” I wonder…” thoughts?

 

Lakeside Therapy July 1, 2012

J and her boyfriend broke up and got right back together two weeks ago. (For those who don’t know, J is my oldest daughter who suffers from an eating disorder, Bipolar, anxiety, and OCD). They semi-worked it out, but I could tell it wasn’t the same. J and I talked last night and she admitted that she was unhappy. This time, she broke up with him and she was very firm about it. She expected him to be angry but he cried instead, which really hurt her. She seems to be doing okay, but it is hard to gauge sometimes just how deep the depression is. She has been depressed for about three weeks now, so I am watching her closely.

I cared about her boyfriend, but I love my daughter. I wish him well and hope he does okay. He has issues of his own and I will worry about him, but keeping my daughter safe and alive will always come before anything and anyone. All I want is for her to be happy and healthy. She is terrified that no one will love her and she will be alone the rest of her life. She is emotionally needy and can be draining at times, but J is such a great person. I can see her with an older guy who will nurture her and give her emotional support like she needs.

I fear this summer will be an emotional roller coaster for my daughter and I. It is so hard when two people live together and have mental and emotional ‘issues’ (for lack of a better term). Sometimes it helps to get away and shake up the routine, so we are going for a drive this afternoon. We are going to see if any campsites are available on a nearby lake. If we can find a good spot we will stay for the next ten days or so. It is a BIG holiday in the states this week (4th of July), so I’m not sure we will find a site, but I pray we will. These two ladies need some lakeside therapy time.

 

My Daughter’s Happy and Gay Life June 30, 2012

English: Gender symbols, sexual orientation: h...

English: Gender symbols, sexual orientation: heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality. Česky: (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My daughter, S, and her partner, E, are visiting today. I write mostly about my other daughter, J, who suffers from Bipolar, anxiety, OCD, and an eating disorder, but today I will explain more about my youngest child.

S is only 15 months younger than her sister and they were very close while growing up. J was the drama queen and S was the quiet, more serious one. S was as reliable as J was unreliable. She has the same dry wit that I have, and she can make me laugh like no other. I believe she struggled a lot because she saw the pain that her sister was in, and she sees my suffering, and she cannot fix it. S wants to think things out logically and then make it all better.

As a child, S was the rough and tough tomboy while J wore pretty dresses and played with Barbie. I remember some of the closed-minded people from the small town in which we live asked me what I would do if she “turned gay”. I simply told them the truth: I would love her. I didn’t even bother to discuss the “turned” gay comment because you cannot change small minds.

I never forced gender roles or racial stereotypes on my kids. I am sad to say my parents are racists and homophobes; in their defense, they grew up in a different world. Somehow, despite their attempts to mold me, I never developed a dislike for “those who are different from me”. In fact, I rarely notice a person’s race, and sexual orientation is a personal choice that does not concern me.

Two years ago S, on the verge of tears, said she had to talk to me privately. She was being very secretive, and I knew something big was going on. We got in my car (the only private place I have at my house) and went for a drive. She haltingly told me she was bisexual. S explained that she didn’t really see gender, she just saw characteristics that she liked in people. It didn’t matter to her if they were male or female. We both cried, but had a big laugh together when I told her I thought she was going to tell me she was pregnant!

Soon after our talk she met E, who is now like a daughter to me and I care for her deeply. She is as much a part of this family as anyone else. They have been together a year and a half now, and E even gave up her job and moved when S graduated and got a job in a city four hours away. It is obvious to anyone who sees them they are very much in love and have a great relationship. S and E have exchanged rings and are committed to one another.  My daughter is happy and enjoying life.

 

 

How to Make a Happiness File June 27, 2012

I love to laugh. Laughter is the fastest way to lift your spirits on a gloomy day. It can also make a good day great! I suffer from situational and clinical depression so much that I look for things that make me laugh …sometimes a giggle, or a chuckle, but the best laugh of all is a deep belly laugh that brings tears to your eyes.

On a bad day, I cannot find laughter. It hides under the wave of depression that, no matter what I do, will not let go of my heart. What normally would make me laugh just makes me feel a sadness so deep it hurts my soul. I am a sensitive person, and usually very upbeat. That makes the sadness and depression that haunts me feel so much deeper and more profound. On those days (weeks), nothing helps except the passage of time.

Today is a good day. It’s not as great as yesterday (a fab day for no reason at all: the best kind) but today feels nice. I’ve had many low days lately, and I know many of my friends in the blogosphere have also had some not-great days in the past few weeks. So today, I’m pulling out  my “Happiness File”.

My Happiness File is just what the name implies; it is a file of things that I have collected that make me happy. Some are silly pictures, or cute animals; others are sayings that I found on the  WWW (World Wide Weird) that made me grin or even laugh.  Anything that lifts me is eligible.

How do you create your own Happiness File, you ask? Why, it is very simple! just follow these steps:

1.Go to the internet and browse, using your favorite method. Sometimes I use search words, go to favorite humor sites, humorous blogs, or just use http://www.stumbleupon.com/home, or join in the PINTEREST craze! (WARNING: BOTH CAN BE ADDICTIVE).

2. When you happen upon something that strikes your funny bone or makes you  ‘AWWW’ at its cuteness factor, save it in a folder on your desktop.

3. MAKE SURE THE FILE IS ON YOUR DESKTOP! This step is crucial to the success of your file. If you bury your Happiness file in your documents folder, on a bad day you will not look for it. It needs to be front and center, where you will see it!

4. Label your folder. I call mine “Shits and Giggles“, but you can label it whatever you like; “Happiness File” works, but it’s a bit boring, don’t you think? 😉

5. On a day when you need a lift, click on your file and enjoy!

6. Don’t forget to add to your file from time to time. It becomes stale and loses some of its punch if  you don’t.

NOTE: I do not include any personal pictures in my file. On some days, when I am really blue, it makes me super sad to look at pictures of happier times with my family. You may feel differently and want to include personal things that bring you joy.

Here are a few of my favorites from my file. I hope one or two make you smile as well!

Gotta love some of those baby pictures out there!

Dogs AND babies?? YES!

Oh, high school math…

or all year, for some…

I would so buy this!

BAHAHAHA!

Have a “Shits and Giggles” day, friends! 😀

 

J and Bipolar Betty June 22, 2012

English: Street art

English: Street art (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When J was a little girl  the thought of monsters under her bed and in her closet frightened her. Night after night, I would check for monsters and reassure her that her room was clear. We sprayed “anti-monster” spray and sang a special “anti-monster” song. Eventually, she outgrew her fear of monsters under the bed and moved on to other worries.

Not once did I tell her there were no such things as monsters. When I was a little girl, the thought of monsters also frightened me. My mother laughed, told me that I was silly, and put me in the bed. I still remember the crippling fear of laying there, waiting, knowing that at any minute I would be gobbled up. My mother had no patience for silliness and lost the ability to see through a child’s eyes long ago.

The monster from under the bed now lives inside J’s head. The monster we call Bipolar Betty rages inside, sometimes crippling her. This monster has almost taken J from me; she has attempted suicide at least 5 times. This monster, when manic, spends enough money to turn this economy around single-handedly. This monster, when not controlled by the proper medicine, is slowly dimming the sparkle in my daughter’s eyes.

I write about J on here a lot, but usually just the bipolar side of her. I really wish you could all meet her because she is such a special young lady. She has a biting, quick wit and often has everyone around her laughing uncontrollably. She is a defender of the hurt, the young, and the  underdog.  J has a very special gift of working with troubled children. These children, ages 5-7, have been badly damaged by life and physically act out in rage by throwing desks, biting, kicking and punching. Somehow, my daughter calms them and actually gets them to sit in a seat and learn! She amazes me with her gifts.

I write about her bipolar as ‘Bipolar Betty’ because it is, to me, separate from who my daughter really is. I am angry at Bipolar Betty but not angry at J. It helps me to distinguish between the reckless, stupid things she does when her medicine is not working and the normal stupid choices a 25-year-old makes.

J and her boyfriend broke up yesterday, during the same week her doctor changed her medication. Bipolar Betty’s depressed side has taken over my daughter again. She hasn’t been this low in a long time and it scares me. There is a fine line with depression in a bipolar person. Anyone who has broken up with someone you care about knows how low it can make you feel. That is normal. But with bipolar, this normal low can quickly become life-threatening. It can also last for weeks or months. The last time she was really low her doctor gave her medicine to knock her up into a manic state. I understand this was to keep her from harming herself, but all this chemically induced up and down crap CANNOT be good for her!

So, here I am today, holding on. Bipolar Betty is back, and it’s going to be a long, rough ride.

 

The Monster Who Came to Stay June 21, 2012

Farnkenstein monster

Farnkenstein monster (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Bipolar Betty is back again. J’s psychiatrist thought it was time to take her off of lithium, so she stopped taking it 2 days ago. She works in the local school and they are out for the summer, so she is off her schedule. To top it all off, her boyfriend decided they needed more ‘space’. All of these things combined knocked her down. In preparation for my new job I have some meetings I must attend. I was in one yesterday when I got the phone call from J saying she had taken ‘a bunch of pills’. She wasn’t trying to harm herself; she just wanted to numb the pain. Luckily I was able to determine she hadn’t taken too many and I called my husband to get the rest of the pills away from her. (Yeah, her doctor wrote her a new prescription for anxiety meds) I got home as soon as I could. J has the type of bipolar known as ‘rapid-cycling‘. She can sometimes cycle between being manic and depressed several times in just a few minutes. It’s disturbing to watch and hell on her. She gets severe headaches afterwards and usually has to sleep it off.

I am angry. I hate this monster that steals her soul. I want nothing more than to see her happy and in charge of her own life. I am angry that I don’t get to have a normal life either since this monster came along. My world turned upside down when bipolar joined my family. While I suspect that I, too, have bipolar, I do not struggle daily with bouts of mania and depression like she does. I get angry that I am the only one in this family that can and does deal with her issues; she is always needing to talk, she can’t make decisions on her own, if she gets money she becomes manic and spends it on stupid things; I am the one who must pick up the pieces every single time.

Yeah, I am having a nice little pity party today. I am overwhelmed by my own problems and I have hers to handle as well.