Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Best Present Ever December 20, 2012

We are finally back from the hospital. J survived this suicide attempt. (See previous post, here). We spent many hours sitting in the ER, but by the time a doctor saw her she was feeling better. While waiting, she was shaking, clawing at her skin, and mumbling to herself. People around us in the waiting area looked on with pity in their eyes. I didn’t care; all I wanted was some help for J. After a while, she finally got a bed and talked with the doctor on call. When he came and talked to me, I was able to confirm what she told him; the major crisis was over and she was no longer a danger to herself. He released her.

We were able to get an appointment to see her psychiatrist, so when we left the hospital we drove straight there. J stopped going to therapy about a year ago because she (nor I) could not afford it. He told her that he would do the therapy and she could make payments and work on a sliding scale. I am so grateful to him! There are good people in the world!

She is exhausted and I am exhausted, but we are home and she is safe. That is the best Christmas present I could have.

 

Who Am I? August 5, 2012

Who am I?

i am empathetic

~for animals and children, who need our love and devotion

~for broken humans, who are suffering in so many ways

~for elderly, who have lived and loved and become frail

i am liberal

~i believe equal rights mean equal for all

~i judge by who you are, not what you are

~i think all people should have the rights of all others

i am a survivor

~of childhood molestation

~of interior, self-inflicted wounds

~of life and all its curves

i am a mother

~my daughters will always come first

~my girls live in my heart wherever they may be

~my heart breaks every time they hurt

i am a creator

~of words that, together, come alive on a page

~of pictures i paint with film or acrylics

~of objects created of metal, glass and other beauties

i am a lover

~of animals and nature

~of music that feeds my soul with rhythm and words

~of my dogs, who quiet my restless soul

i am a hater

~of self, for things i cannot yet forgive

~of ignorant, bigoted people who spew hateful words at others

~of explantions molded to fit one view only

i am imperfect

~i hide from the truth when it hurts too much

~i pretend i’m okay when i’m not at all

~i lie to fit in and be safe in the group

i am a beast

~when you harm someone i love

~when your hatred turns against the helpless

~when i’m pushed into a corner, i come out swinging

i am so many things.

i am all of this and much, much more.

i am Rainey.

 

I am a Lying, Sarcastic, Bitch…Want to be My Friend? August 4, 2012

Who Is Wonder Woman?

Who Is Wonder Woman? (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Okay, so here is my vent for the day…

I am a bitch today. At least I am a quiet bitch. Maybe a depressed bitch.

I have been very withdrawn for the past couple of days. Since returning from the beach, I haven’t gone anywhere (other than to the store to buy needed items). I also haven’t been on Facebook…mainly because I am so sick of reading about stupid American politics, Chick-fil-a christians (homophobic bastards in my opinion), and game requests for games I’ve never heard of and will never play! I have, however, continued to try to post…something…daily on my two blogs on WordPress. For some reason, that remains an important connection for me.

I think I have withdrawn because I feel depressed and angry. I am still seething over J, my daughter. (J, age 25,  has bipolar, an eating disorder, OCD, anxiety, and ADD. She is currently unable to live on her own and so lives with me and hubs). She has a STD (for the second time, mind you) and seems like it’s no big deal. She is so broke, she couldn’t even afford the doctor or the antibiotic so she borrowed the money from me. Again. I get quiet when I feel that kind of anger because I know if I let it out it only makes things worse. Being angry with someone with bipolar AND an eating disorder is tricky; you set them off and the reaction can be deadly.

I also get angry with hubs. I don’t often talk about him on here; I have very mixed feelings about him. All of the hardships I have gone through with J, I have weathered alone, I have made all the decisions, I have cried all the tears. He works. And fishes. And hides out in his garage when things get bad. After almost 30 years of marriage it seems harder now than before. I continue to hide my own mental health problems from him. Why? Because despite everything, he is my husband.  We have a long history, and he accepted me at a time when I was in a bad place. Do I see us staying together? No. He is totally unable to understand even a small part of what J goes through.  When he finds out I have the same issues and I have hidden them from him, it will be over. I am preparing myself for that. I know I will be okay alone. Being alone does not bother me. I have been dishonest with him about so many things, I know there is no going back. I am now at the point of No Return.

So how is hubs with J? He thinks she should be able to “control” her depression that puts her in bed for weeks at a time. She should “just get up and DO something”. When she is manic she spends her money frivolously, getting tattoos, taking every friend out to eat, and buying impractical gifts…BEFORE paying bills that are due. Hubs again thinks this is a character flaw that she should be able to control with will power. He met with the doctors. He has been in therapy sessions. He has heard it explained over and over again. He is one of those people who will never get it. I am a buffer between the two of them and it is HARD.

Would it be better if I just left him? I don’t have the energy. And the thought of dealing with J, who will fall apart, is draining. I also have no money whatsoever, and it takes money and a plan to leave. And I know J will go with me. I would not leave her here with him. So I will stay, at least for now, because it is all I can do.

I am also lonely. I have realized lately that I no longer have any many friends. I am very social and well-liked in my community, but I have made such a habit of protecting my heart that I don’t let myself get too close to anyone. If I feel someone getting close, I back off. I shut down. They are left wondering what they did wrong, but it’s really just me. Many years of protecting my heart  has left me protected, but lonely. I have protected myself so well, no one even knows me. So if you don’t know me, you cannot love me. Or hurt me.

Yeah, so here I am; a lonely, depressed bitch. Want to be my friend? Hahahaha  Sounds like the plot for a lame movie. Really, if you met me, I would seem upbeat and outgoing. I have a sarcastic and sharp sense of humor. I am great with animals and kids. Younger people gravitate toward me. I’m not sure why, really, but I think because I take them seriously and I listen. I’m a great listener. You would never, not in a million years, think that I had mental issues that I struggle with on a daily basis. I am very, very good at wearing a mask.

So, I am a coward. I live like I do because I don’t have the courage to let the world see ME. The REAL ME. I didn’t do it on purpose. I just kind of evolved this way by living up to expectations of others. By trying to be Wonder Woman, and Super Mom, and Super Wife, and Super Daughter, and Super Employee. It is what I thought I HAD to do, you see. So I did…for many years. I hid my mania….I was just in a ‘great mood’ or feeling ‘silly’. I also explained it away because of the drugs and alcohol, back in the day…I hid the spending…no one ever knew….When the depression hit, I was ‘sick’…had a lot of work to do (I work a lot on the computer, so I could explain sitting around as long as I had my computer)…then when J started having problems, any of my problems could be easily explained…of course I was a wreck; look what I was dealing with!!

Life sure is funny. I dislike deception, and I am the most dishonest person I know.

Oh what a tangled web we weave

 

Back From the Beach and My Head Didn’t Explode August 2, 2012

I took a quick trip to the beach (just for one night) because I thought my head might explode if I didn’t get out of here for a while. It worked; I am back home, head still in one piece (well, that’s not really true, but it didn’t explode) and slightly refreshed. I really wanted to go somewhere (anywhere) so I could take pictures for my new photo blog I started …click here to see it….I just wanted a place to put pictures only, without any words other than titles.

The beach is my least favorite water to go to this time of year. I really like it in the off-season when it is cool and mostly deserted. But I am glad I went because I got some great pictures I will be sharing in the upcoming weeks.

Another reason I went was to get a break from J. (For new readers, she is my daughter who has an eating disorder, anxiety, bipolar, and OCD. She is 25 and unable to live alone.) She’s had some “female” issues lately. I went with her to the doctor because they found some abnormal cell growth. We went on Tuesday, and they said it was just all the new meds that she was taking. She continued to complain about how she felt and said the doctor was wrong, something else was wrong. J complains so much about health problems (and every other small thing in life) that I sometimes reach a point of needing to scream, hit her, or run away. I ran away (for a day) so I wouldn’t scream or hit her.

As I was driving to the beach, she called and dropped a bombshell. “I think I am pregnant.”

I went temporarily blind and deaf.  All I could see were colors and lights with some darkness around the edges. I could hear my blood pounding in my head. Oh, and I think I threw up just a little.

You cannot begin to imagine what her being pregnant would mean for me. For her. For any of us in this family. But mostly, for me. Damn.

She went back to the doctor and had some more tests done. Results came in today. Do you want the good news or the bad news first? I will start with the good news: SHE IS NOT PREGNANT!!!!!! I am so thankful I could cry. But….the bad news….she has a type of STD. FOR THE SECOND TIME. And, get this, it is NOT from the boyfriend she just had the big breakup with! I am so very angry with her right now. She is sleeping around, again, taking these huge risks with her life (and my life, really) and acts so damn casual about it. I  know, I know….Bipolar  manic stages can make you more promiscuous; she is a 25 year-old with a mind of her own. I know all of this, and yet I am so angry at her. She lives with me (and will forever unless she meets someone who will love her and take care of her) because she cannot live alone. Her anxiety level is too high, she has HUGE money issues, and she just cannot do it. Everything she does, or doesn’t do, affects me as well. She is extremely self-centered and loves to keep drama going on. Right now I just want to kick her in the ass for being so stupid!

Please know, I am just venting. I do not, and will not, get physical with J. I truly love my daughter more than life itself. She can be a kind, caring person. I actually enjoy spending time with her….when we are not in crisis.

I’m glad I went to the beach. It probably saved my head from exploding. I may need to go to the mountains soon…

 

i am July 29, 2012

i am strong

but filled with weakness

i am dead

but i still breath

i am intelligent

but not always smart

i am hidden

but i’m in plain view

i am tough

but not invincible

i am empty

but filled with pain

i am alive

but i don’t always live

i am sick

but no one knows

i am hurting

but you cannot see it

i am fragile

but not easily broken

i am tired

but too stubborn to give up

 

Possible Help and More Drugs July 25, 2012

While doing some research on depression and bipolar, I came across another great website. Click here for the home page of Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance. It has a great mood calendar you can print and use, as well as good information about mental health issues. One page has a list of prescription drug assistance programs (click here). I am glad I found it, but PISSED that none of the specialist J has seen told her about these programs. Hopefully she will follow through with contacting them. I don’t have the energy to do it for her, and at some point she has GOT to accept responsibility for herself, right?

She just returned from the psychiatrist. He said she did the right thing by coming in because she has a very unusual and hard to treat disorder (what the hell does that mean??). He changed her medicine AGAIN to something she tried briefly before, right after a return from the  hospital. She only stayed on it two weeks, but she was in such a bad way already they switched her to something else.  He’s trying her on this in combination with some other medication and he told her she would probably always need a “cocktail” of drugs for her disorders. I used to get excited each time they switched her to new medicine, thinking maybe, just maybe, this would be THE ONE. Now I don’t think there is such a thing. I just hope this next ride on the mental roller coaster is not too scary.

 

Just Another Day

A good friend is coming to visit today. Is it wrong that I want to call her and tell her I’m busy?  It’s not that I don’t want to see her, I actually miss her because I haven’t seen her all summer. But things have been so bad around here with J, I’m not really feeling up to having company. But I also know that is depression talking. T (my friend) always makes me laugh and I know it will be good to see her. She knows more than most about what I go through with J, so I don’t have to hide it. But she is also one of a very few who can read me well, and can see through the front I put on for most. Sometimes that is a good thing, sometimes not so much.

J is going to the psychiatrist in a little while, and hubs has to go to work. I will actually be alone for a bit. There is such relief in being alone. I can just be me. No questions, no problems. I can write, paint, clean, do whatever! Most people don’t like to be alone, but I love it and often crave it.

My mood today is….hmmm…unaffected. Some times my moods are very reactive to the people or situation around me. At other times, I feel like an outside observer watching things happen. That is how I feel now. J is barely functioning: not talking, not eating, extreme irritability; sometimes this sets me on edge or plunges me into deeper depression. Not today; today I am just a bystander in my life, observing with little emotional investment. Maybe this is a way I protect myself. If so, then the armour is up and ready today. If they put J in the hospital it might be the best mood to be in.

 

Before I Go Insane July 23, 2012

User:Grunt's insane stamp.

User:Grunt’s insane stamp. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I live, day in, day out

the same, the same, the same

I need a diversion,

a change in the game

 

a ripple in the stagnant pool

of my so-called wonderful life

that will make me bleed

like the sharp edge of a knife

 

because a break from the sameness

even bleeding and pain

might finally make me feel alive

before I go completely insane.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mood Monitor July 19, 2012

America - home of the red, white and BLUES

America – home of the red, white and BLUES (Photo credit: Treasure Tia)

 

While searching for help (after advice from a dear friend….Thanks,  Alice) I found a “Mood Monitor” on Mental Health America. It is a short series of questions that help you focus on and identify your current mood. It then gives you a rating and advice on your symptoms. You can print the results and take to your doctor, or you can email then to yourself. This can be useful if  you complete it daily and assess the changes in your moods. I think I will try this to get a better understanding of what is going on with me. Maybe it will help some of you as well.

Mood Monitor

 

Rainey: Unedited and On the Edge of Losing It

Trigger Warning: I am struggling today, and this post is my brain rambling about many things…including suicide, sexual abuse, and other things. It is NOT a cry for suicide prevention help.

***I apologize in advance for this post…it is not my usual, and it is unedited and straight from the heart. I can’t hide anymore. Many of you may not want to read.

What if I just let go? What would happen? I have held myself in check for my entire life and it is becoming harder and harder and harder. I don’t want to be strong anymore. I don’t want to be the one who fixes everything, makes it all better, handles all the problems, listens and gives sage advice. I have never allowed myself to fall apart. I cry a little, let off some steam, but never, never, never do I let go completely. I am so afraid I will not be able to come back to “normal”. When I went to the west coast to place J in a treatment program I participated in counseling sessions with her and the counselor, Navid. Navid said he had never met anyone who kept such tight control of their emotions. He kept digging and trying to get me to let go, so I finally faked it and cried a little. I have major issues that I keep under wraps because everyone, I mean EVERYONE, in my family depends on me to hold it together. I’ve watched J try to kill herself numerous times….I held it together.  S moved away…I was a rock. My husband, P, had cancer. I held it all in. Then he had a stroke. I carried on. I’m so tired. I don’t even know who I am anymore because I am so caught up in being who everyone NEEDS me to be. I am one big stupid lie. If I let it all out the madness will overtake me and life as I know it will be over. I’m beginning to think that is not a bad thing. Can I walk away from all that I have? I’m not talking material things, that doesn’t mean shit to me. I’m talking family, friends, job, my LIFE. There is no one, not one single person in my entire existence, that understands. That, I know in the very center of my being. Do you know that when I started dating my husband, P, I told him about the sexual abuse I suffered as a child. He accepted me anyway, and that meant THE WORLD to me. Then, when J was in the hospital it came up in conversation and he said, “WHAT? I didn’t know that!”. All these years I felt so good knowing he accepted that part of me, and HE DIDN’T EVEN FUCKING REMEMBER OR CARE!!!! What does that say about me? I have surrounded myself with people who think they know me, who only allow themselves to see what they want to see, who think they might even love me, but they have no idea, really who or what I am because I LIE with my actions, with my words, with my smiles. There is a madness inside of me that I have hidden for so long, and it has been patient, but time is drawing near….it cannot be patient much longer. I know I have severe mental problems but I continue to function and no one even guesses anything is wrong with me. Am I that good or do people around me really not care? As long as I am there for them, right? I know you will say go to  a doctor. I have no desire to go through what J goes through, what so many of you go through,with doctors and medicines. I know I will have to before all is said and done, but procrastination is one of my biggest faults. I was supposed to go this summer, but cancelled the appointment. I know I will either kill myself or fall completely apart.  A part of me wants to just walk into the nearest mental hospital and commit myself and just let the pieces of my life fall apart. My husband will leave me, my parents and siblings will turn their backs, I will lose my job, my friends will be nonexistent…only my daughters and my dogs will stand by me. Really, that doesn’t even make me sad or upset. I just feel numb inside, and overwhelmed by what will happen. So instead of doing anything, I sit here because I feel overwhelmed at what I will do after that. What will a broken, mental, middle-aged woman with no job, no place to live, and no personal relationships do? Where will I go? How will I survive? These things keep me paralyzed. and so….I continue to live this lie. I don’t think I can hold on much longer.