Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

About Thanksgiving November 28, 2013

It is Thanksgiving here in the USA.

Thanksgiving should be celebrated simply as a time of thanks for the people we have in life. In my family, it is so hard. When we see each other on Thanksgiving, we are like a room of strangers meeting to share a meal. I don’t really know my brother and sister anymore, and I know their children (and children’s children) even less. We will sit, mostly talking to my parents because they are our common ground. I will see the pity in their eyes when they ask about J, who is staying home because the bipolar demons have her again. I will watch their eyes sweep over S and her partner E as they judge their relationship (of which they know nothing). They will ask questions about them both, which I wouldn’t mind, except my family says things like: “Do you think you made S gay because you let her wear boy’s shirts when she was little?” or “Maybe J will get it together one day and stop being bipolar.”

You see, I am the “weird one”. I am the black sheep with the messed up children. I am also the one who refuses to be embarrassed by my daughter’s “gayness”. I refuse to let the word “bipolar” be a shameful word. Do I wish I could spare my children the pain I know they feel? Yes. I wish S could go through life without feeling the hatred and disgust some people (even family) have for lesbians. I wish J could go through life without the constant internal conflict along with the judgment she sees in the eyes of others, or the rejection she feels time and time again. But I would not, ever, change my children.

So, in a few short hours, I will gather over turkey and trimmings with the people I once lived with. I will be thankful for the bounty of food. I will be thankful that we are together as a family for another year. I will miss having J by my side, but thankful that E will attend the first Thanksgiving gathering beside S as her life partner.


Impending Doom, Gay Rights, and Playing in Sprinklers: Just Another Day July 17, 2012


sprinkler (Photo credit: g_kat26)

Today was mostly a good day. I sat in the sun (even though it was hot as Hades) and read for a while. When I became too hot, I hooked up the sprinkler! I haven’t done that in ages, and it made me feel like a little kid again!

There are so many “projects” I need/want to do, but I am having too much fun just “being”. That is something I have always had trouble with; I feel guilty if I’m not doing something constructive. This week, though, I am just reading, playing games, and relaxing. It’s kind of nice to not be under constant stress.

Speaking of stress, J is struggling so much now. Her moods are all over the place, she’s still mostly depressed, and she is not herself. I have her pills (at least the heavy-duty ones that can do the most damage) unless she went to the psychiatrist and got new ones without telling me. She is having trouble with eating too much again and has done some purging. I don’t think she is cutting; I haven’t seen the signs. I just feel an omen, as if something is going to happen. I hope I am wrong.Various pills

I miss my other daughter, S. I have seen her only two times since she moved away, and she is already talking about moving to another state, one that recognizes gay marriage. I don’t blame her, and I want her to be happy, but I hate knowing that she must live elsewhere just to get married. So many in this state are vocally opposed to gay rights.  About three years ago, I had my own business (in addition to working my old job). This was when S first told me she was gay, and soon after, began living with her girlfriend…in the small town in which I work and live. Immediately, several customers stopped coming to my shop. This is the place in which I live and it makes me sad that people cannot just mind their own business and let others be. Even if I thought being gay was wrong (and I don’t), I would not presume to go around and tell others not to be gay!

That was my vent for the day. Just live, and let others live.


Bullet Dodged July 8, 2012

J, my daughter, is feeling better this morning. She said it really helped to have my dogs there with her. She’s still down about the breakup with her boyfriend, but not dangerously so. I feel much better about her. I think the worst is behind her and now she’s on the upswing. Times like these I feel like I have dodged a bullet!
J also visited my parents yesterday. They asked how E, my other daughters life partner, was doing!!! This is HUGE!! My parents are racist and homophobic, so this was a big deal. My parents are stuck in the mindset of their generation, and it is hard for them. They are really trying to show support, and I love them for that. I knew my dad would be okay, but my mom…well, she is very judgmental. She and I still have issues, but she loves me and my kids.
Now that the crisis is over, I guess I can go back to contemplating life…



My Daughter’s Happy and Gay Life June 30, 2012

English: Gender symbols, sexual orientation: h...

English: Gender symbols, sexual orientation: heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality. Česky: (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My daughter, S, and her partner, E, are visiting today. I write mostly about my other daughter, J, who suffers from Bipolar, anxiety, OCD, and an eating disorder, but today I will explain more about my youngest child.

S is only 15 months younger than her sister and they were very close while growing up. J was the drama queen and S was the quiet, more serious one. S was as reliable as J was unreliable. She has the same dry wit that I have, and she can make me laugh like no other. I believe she struggled a lot because she saw the pain that her sister was in, and she sees my suffering, and she cannot fix it. S wants to think things out logically and then make it all better.

As a child, S was the rough and tough tomboy while J wore pretty dresses and played with Barbie. I remember some of the closed-minded people from the small town in which we live asked me what I would do if she “turned gay”. I simply told them the truth: I would love her. I didn’t even bother to discuss the “turned” gay comment because you cannot change small minds.

I never forced gender roles or racial stereotypes on my kids. I am sad to say my parents are racists and homophobes; in their defense, they grew up in a different world. Somehow, despite their attempts to mold me, I never developed a dislike for “those who are different from me”. In fact, I rarely notice a person’s race, and sexual orientation is a personal choice that does not concern me.

Two years ago S, on the verge of tears, said she had to talk to me privately. She was being very secretive, and I knew something big was going on. We got in my car (the only private place I have at my house) and went for a drive. She haltingly told me she was bisexual. S explained that she didn’t really see gender, she just saw characteristics that she liked in people. It didn’t matter to her if they were male or female. We both cried, but had a big laugh together when I told her I thought she was going to tell me she was pregnant!

Soon after our talk she met E, who is now like a daughter to me and I care for her deeply. She is as much a part of this family as anyone else. They have been together a year and a half now, and E even gave up her job and moved when S graduated and got a job in a city four hours away. It is obvious to anyone who sees them they are very much in love and have a great relationship. S and E have exchanged rings and are committed to one another.  My daughter is happy and enjoying life.