Right now,
I know you feel alone,
lost, and without hope
But I want you to know
Right now,
I am here for you
to comfort you
to show you
that you are not alone
right now,
as always
I am your friend.
Right now,
I know you feel alone,
lost, and without hope
But I want you to know
Right now,
I am here for you
to comfort you
to show you
that you are not alone
right now,
as always
I am your friend.
Once…
life was simple, sweet,
pure and clean.
seemingly infinite days of summer brought
sun-burnt noses, pony-tailed hair,
skinned knees and rosy freckles
sprinkled on tan faces.
Friendships
over grilled cheese sandwiches,
soda pop on back steps,
energetic backyard baseball,
and rainy day marathons
of Monopoly and Clue.
Glowing flashes of yellow fireflies,
streetlights illuminating the dusk,
and hide-n-go-seek
brought the golden days to an end
when
life was simple, sweet,
pure and clean.
Is it bad that I feel closer to some of my WordPress friends than I do my “real life” friends? Should I be concerned? I have met the kindest, funniest, and sweetest people in blog-land. I look forward to reading and interacting with you more than real life friends.
To be fair, I keep real life friends at arm’s length; I always have. I have many, many acquaintances…you know, people who are “friends” whom you talk to when you see them, you chat on Facebook, you know about their children and their dog, but you don’t go to the movies or show up at each others homes. Real friends (which I define as people who can drop by unannounced and not piss me off, people who call and I actually answer, or people I turn to when I need a shoulder or they need one) I can count on two hands one finger. Seriously. I just don’t let people in for fear that they run screaming “FREAK!”.
I am amazed that I found a mate. He is clueless, mind you. I don’t mean that in a bad way. He just lives in his own happy-land world and ignores or doesn’t see the bad. For example, my youngest daughter, S, is gay. I’ve known it, the way a mother knows, for a long, long time. When she “came out” (I hate that phrase because it was like she was hiding, but she wasn’t, she just hadn’t figured it out for herself yet) I hugged her and told her it was great while hubs freaked. I mean, seriously FREAKED. He was born and raised in small town, USA (where we still live, BTW) He proclaimed that he loved her, but would not have “any of that shit in his house.” Not long after that, S met her partner, E. Hubs said she wasn’t coming in our house or to family events. This almost broke us up because I will NEVER do that to my daughter! I finally made him see that was wrong (he’s not a bad person, he just was raised a certain way) and that I would not alienate S by forbidding her to bring over the person she loves! He has adjusted, but here is how: in his mind, S and E are “friends”. “Roommates”. NOT lovers. He makes it okay by putting it in terms he can handle. Like I said, he lives in his own happy world.
That is how he is able to live with me or even love me. He sees what he WANTS to see. When I am depressed, I am “feeling bad” as in I have a cold or a virus. If you asked him right now if his wife gets depressed, he would say no. And he would believe it.
I wear a mask around the people who know me. An impenetrably, harden mask that sits firmly in place. It never slips. It never fails. But when I sit down at this computer, I take the mask off and place it gently on the table beside me. I type…sometimes silly, sometimes serious, but always, always truly me. And guess what? A person followed my blog. Someone else liked it. And before long, I had a regular connection with a fine group of people. None of them ran screaming…well, some probably did, but who needs them? But people are getting to know me, and they are actually sticking around. This is an amazing gift.
So yes, I feel closer to you than people who actually know me. But maybe, just maybe, I will take a peek from around the mask and let someone see a tiny part of me.
Hi again. It’s me, Rainey. I have missed your daily support and encouragement as I traverse through life, but I felt the need to pull back for a while. I could lie, and tell you I just got really busy, and things were going great, but that would wrong. You deserve better from me; you at least deserve the truth.
I stopped blogging for the same reason that I have, all of my life, suddenly stopped calling close friends. It’s the same reason I broke up with one or two of my old boyfriends. It’s also the same reason that, when I got married, I moved to a new town and recreated a brand new life, leaving behind everyone and everything I used to know and love. So here it is, the unvarnished truth of me:
You got too close. And you cared about me.
It’s what I do, you see. I run when anyone gets close enough to see the cracks in the veneer or to care about me at all. I will give you a piece of me, a glimpse inside, and then I pull back and run for the hills. I don’t mean to hurt people, but I do. I don’t know why I do this, and I don’t know how to make myself stop.
I bared more in this blog than I have ever told anyone in my entire life. Actually, I am super surprised that I let so much of my soul peek out before I ran. I guess the blog masked me enough that I felt some safety in allowing my true self to show. But I have only shown you glimpses. There is so much more, so much bad and good, ugly and light, humor and horror. So much more is hidden so deep inside I don’t even know what is in there anymore.
So. That is the true reason I have been gone for so long. I’m not sure yet if I have the courage to return, but I hope I do. I have missed you all dearly. And that is also the unvarnished truth.
Never gets old…always makes me giggle!
I want to hold him and cuddle with him even if he did let the dogs out! lol
This one is for all my fellow blogging buddies…thanks for the therapy!
This weekend is the unofficial start of summer here in the states. Most of the people in my area flock to the beach and fire up the grill. Since I am chilling on the couch with a hurt foot, I thought I would post some shots of the beach from last summer.
Today is actually Memorial Day, a day set aside to honor our fallen military. My heart goes out to those who have lost loved ones.
Hi, Honey, I’m home! 🙂 I’ve so missed blogging these last few weeks, but this is a crazy time at work for me and I am exhausted by the time I get home. To make matters worse, my home life has been hectic as well. So here is a quick update: S (my youngest daughter) graduated and moved away with her girlfriend to start her new job. I miss her everyday, but my heart swells with pride at her determination and drive. I did something right, raising that one. J, my oldest who is plagued by bipolar demons, anxiety, OCD, and an eating disorder, is adjusting to her sister’s move. She struggles with the success that S has had while she is unable to live on her own at age 25. It is hard on both of us. Try as I might, I cannot get it through my husband’s head that she is incapable of being on her own, possible forever. How does he handle it? He “jokes” constantly about her still living with her parents when she is 30 or 40 years old. This is so demeaning to her! It angers me and yet there is nothing she or I can say to make him stop.
As for me, I am having some health issue of my own right now. I have three more weeks at this job and then I will pack up to go to my new job. 🙂 So of course, I had to hurt my foot…..leaving me bed-ridden for this holiday weekend. I am in much pain, but I am more worried about getting through these next 3 weeks. Here I sit, foot propped up on pillows with my dogs by my side. I have caught up on reading and relaxing, that’s for sure!
I have missed my blogging friends. I am going to try to check in with all of my regular reads, but the medicine they have me on makes me drowsy. So if I don’t get to you, my friends, just know I will be back soon. Hugs ~Rainey
Thank you, all of my blogging friends. I have struggled alone for so long, the support I have received here in recent weeks is astonishing. Each like, each comment, all the feedback, is oh so welcome. It means so much to be able to pour out my uncensored feelings and thoughts, and still be accepted. Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart. ~Rainey