Right now,
I know you feel alone,
lost, and without hope
But I want you to know
Right now,
I am here for you
to comfort you
to show you
that you are not alone
right now,
as always
I am your friend.
Simple, Sweet, Pure and Clean January 15, 2013
Once…
life was simple, sweet,
pure and clean.
seemingly infinite days of summer brought
sun-burnt noses, pony-tailed hair,
skinned knees and rosy freckles
sprinkled on tan faces.
Friendships
born and cemented
over grilled cheese sandwiches,
soda pop on back steps,
energetic backyard baseball,
and rainy day marathons
of Monopoly and Clue.
Glowing flashes of yellow fireflies,
streetlights illuminating the dusk,
and hide-n-go-seek
brought the golden days to an end
when
life was simple, sweet,
pure and clean.
WordPress Friendships Vs. Real Life Friendships: Who Wins? January 6, 2013
Is it bad that I feel closer to some of my WordPress friends than I do my “real life” friends? Should I be concerned? I have met the kindest, funniest, and sweetest people in blog-land. I look forward to reading and interacting with you more than real life friends.
To be fair, I keep real life friends at arm’s length; I always have. I have many, many acquaintances…you know, people who are “friends” whom you talk to when you see them, you chat on Facebook, you know about their children and their dog, but you don’t go to the movies or show up at each others homes. Real friends (which I define as people who can drop by unannounced and not piss me off, people who call and I actually answer, or people I turn to when I need a shoulder or they need one) I can count on two hands one finger. Seriously. I just don’t let people in for fear that they run screaming “FREAK!”.
I am amazed that I found a mate. He is clueless, mind you. I don’t mean that in a bad way. He just lives in his own happy-land world and ignores or doesn’t see the bad. For example, my youngest daughter, S, is gay. I’ve known it, the way a mother knows, for a long, long time. When she “came out” (I hate that phrase because it was like she was hiding, but she wasn’t, she just hadn’t figured it out for herself yet) I hugged her and told her it was great while hubs freaked. I mean, seriously FREAKED. He was born and raised in small town, USA (where we still live, BTW) He proclaimed that he loved her, but would not have “any of that shit in his house.” Not long after that, S met her partner, E. Hubs said she wasn’t coming in our house or to family events. This almost broke us up because I will NEVER do that to my daughter! I finally made him see that was wrong (he’s not a bad person, he just was raised a certain way) and that I would not alienate S by forbidding her to bring over the person she loves! He has adjusted, but here is how: in his mind, S and E are “friends”. “Roommates”. NOT lovers. He makes it okay by putting it in terms he can handle. Like I said, he lives in his own happy world.
That is how he is able to live with me or even love me. He sees what he WANTS to see. When I am depressed, I am “feeling bad” as in I have a cold or a virus. If you asked him right now if his wife gets depressed, he would say no. And he would believe it.
I wear a mask around the people who know me. An impenetrably, harden mask that sits firmly in place. It never slips. It never fails. But when I sit down at this computer, I take the mask off and place it gently on the table beside me. I type…sometimes silly, sometimes serious, but always, always truly me. And guess what? A person followed my blog. Someone else liked it. And before long, I had a regular connection with a fine group of people. None of them ran screaming…well, some probably did, but who needs them? But people are getting to know me, and they are actually sticking around. This is an amazing gift.
So yes, I feel closer to you than people who actually know me. But maybe, just maybe, I will take a peek from around the mask and let someone see a tiny part of me.
The Unvarnished Truth of Me November 24, 2012
Hi again. It’s me, Rainey. I have missed your daily support and encouragement as I traverse through life, but I felt the need to pull back for a while. I could lie, and tell you I just got really busy, and things were going great, but that would wrong. You deserve better from me; you at least deserve the truth.
I stopped blogging for the same reason that I have, all of my life, suddenly stopped calling close friends. It’s the same reason I broke up with one or two of my old boyfriends. It’s also the same reason that, when I got married, I moved to a new town and recreated a brand new life, leaving behind everyone and everything I used to know and love. So here it is, the unvarnished truth of me:
You got too close. And you cared about me.
It’s what I do, you see. I run when anyone gets close enough to see the cracks in the veneer or to care about me at all. I will give you a piece of me, a glimpse inside, and then I pull back and run for the hills. I don’t mean to hurt people, but I do. I don’t know why I do this, and I don’t know how to make myself stop.
I bared more in this blog than I have ever told anyone in my entire life. Actually, I am super surprised that I let so much of my soul peek out before I ran. I guess the blog masked me enough that I felt some safety in allowing my true self to show. But I have only shown you glimpses. There is so much more, so much bad and good, ugly and light, humor and horror. So much more is hidden so deep inside I don’t even know what is in there anymore.
So. That is the true reason I have been gone for so long. I’m not sure yet if I have the courage to return, but I hope I do. I have missed you all dearly. And that is also the unvarnished truth.
You’re It! July 27, 2012
For Garry!
My friend Garry from The Depressed Moose tagged me in a fun questions and answers game! Also, Garry, I wanted to post this picture I made. 🙂
Here are the rules
1. You must post the rules.
2. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post.
3. Create eleven new questions to ask the people you’ve tagged.
4. Tag (eleven) people with a link to your post.
5. Let them know they’ve been tagged.
The questions and my answers:
1. What is your proudest moment from your blogging career?
I think when I connect with others, and they tell me what I wrote mattered to them. I think we all need to know that we made a difference to someone out there in the world.
2. what is your proudest moment in your life
I have trouble finding things I am proud of, but I guess I would say when I graduated from college. I quit high school my senior year and went to night school to get my diploma. I went to college but quit that, too. After getting married and having two children, I went back to college. It took a total of seven years, but I graduated…with honors.
3. what is your biggest achievement?
See above questions 🙂
4. what makes you feel happy when your down?
That one is easy…. great music and my two dogs! They never fail to make me feel better. I also enjoy getting in my car and driving somewhere, anywhere, and taking pictures of what I find!
5. is there a particular song that makes you happy?
OMG…so many I cannot name them all! Anything by Gotye, Fun., Dave Matthews, The White Stripes, Incubus, James Taylor, Explosions in the Sky, The Mamas and the Pappas, Snow Patrol, Creedence Clearwater, Tom Petty, ACDC (Black in Black only), and so, so many more! As you can tell, I listen to all types of music, almost 24/7 if I am home or in the car.
6. is there a film to make you happy?
I don’t watch happy movies much, except maybe at Christmas. I love “Elf” because he makes me laugh.
7. if your happy and you know and you really want to show it. do you clap your hands? or what do you do?
BAHAHA! Love this question…very creative! When I am happy and I know it and really want to show it I smile a lot and am very giggly.
8. what is your favourite inspirational quote?
One I found just recently: “It’s never too late to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit – start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it, I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that stop you, I hope you feel things you’ve never felt before, I hope you meet people with a different point of view, I hope you live a life you’re proud of – and if you find that you’re not I hope you have the strength to start all over again. ” – Benjamin Button – written by Eric Roth based on a short story by F. Scott Fitzgerald.
9. do you have a “happy place” where you like to go and hide from the world?
Yes, my happy place is in the mountains by a rocky stream. Unfortunately, it is far from here, so I am in the process of creating a happy place on my back porch. I also feel happy in my studio, but I haven’t been in there for a while.
10. If you was happy and I was sad how would you cheer me up?
First I will give you a nice, not-too-tight-and-not-too-weak HUG. Next, if you like dogs, you will spend a few minutes with their showering of love. Then we (you, me, and the dogs) get in the car and go for a long drive to some place beautiful (that has water of some sort: ocean, lake, river, stream) while listening to upbeat music. If it is nice, we will ride with the windows down, sunroof open, and we will sing LOUDLY and off-key until we laughed ourselves silly. When we arrive at the fabulous place, we will take pictures, eat a great picnic lunch, and have some quiet time by the water. The ride home will be just as nice!
11. if happy was a person who would he look like in the real world?
Happy is a man with a smile that makes you unable to not smile in return. He has soft hands and a gentle touch, and is good with kids, dogs, and the elderly. He has deep laugh wrinkles on his face. He walks with a purpose, but stops often to see the beauty of what the world offers. He is often amazed at the smallest things!
Have fun hope these questions were enough to start a happy wave around wordpress*
*Happy wave is like a mexican wave but with laughter and smiles
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
My 11 questions…
1. What is your favorite time of year….and why?
2. Name something that makes you seriously laugh out loud.
3. We are all unique. What quality about yourself do you like that makes you unique?
4. free verse or rhyming?
5. If you could have any career in the world, what would you do?
6. What is your favorite song, band, or type of music?
7. Are you a neat freak, slob, or somewhere in between? If in between, which side are you closest to?
8. You are stranded on a large, beautiful deserted island. What 5 things do you want to have with you?
9. Tell me about the most beautiful place you have ever visited.
10. What is the most daring (or fun) thing you have ever done?
11. Do you have a Bucket List? (Things you want to do before you die). Tell me a few of the things on your list.
I tag the following friends: (If you don’t want to play, no biggie. If so, have fun!)
What Blogging Means to Me July 13, 2012
I began my blog, Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights, in July of 2010. It started as a way for me to let off steam while dealing with my oldest daughter’s multiple diagnoses of bipolar, eating disorder, anxiety, OCD, and ADD. I wrote a whopping thirteen times that year, then only two times in 2011. At that time, I didn’t write enough to find my voice or my fellow bloggers. Then in January of this year, I began to write again. I felt like I needed to say so many things, and not just about my daughter. This time, writing meant much more and seemed so personal; I honestly don’t know how to explain it, but words began to pour from me in poems, stories, and ramblings. I had so much I needed to write….and it felt GREAT!
Blogging made me see that I, too am suffering with mental issues; I’ve always been so busy taking care of everyone else in my life I didn’t allow myself to see my own afflictions. After blogging, I could read back over what I had written. It made me take more notice of my ups and downs and realized I might need professional help. I saw my doctor and will soon see a specialist due to the encouragement of the blogging community.
Next came something so amazing, so astonishing, I still can’t believe it: other bloggers began to like my words and started following my blog! That is such an incredible gift. When I have a bad day and one of my blogging buddies responds with words of wisdom BECAUSE THEY HAVE BEEN THERE, it means the world to me. It also feels great when I have a good day and I can cheer up a blogging friend!
I am no one special. I’ve not done anything extraordinary in my life. I am just an America gal leading an American life. Yet I now have friends all over the globe, thanks to blogging. We are all just brothers and sisters living and growing in our little corners of the world. We all struggle, we all have victories, and we all need other humans with which to interact. Blogging strips away the outer shells we normally show the world and allows us to expose our inner selves. And you know what? It feels good to share secrets from the depths of our hearts and to have it accepted by others. It feels damn good.
So this post is for you, my fellow bloggers. I hold a glass of wine (really, it is Pepsi, but we can pretend) up to you and say, “Cheers! Here’s to friendship and understanding!” Because it doesn’t really matter that we have never met, and probably never will. True friends are there when you need them. Thanks for being there for me.
Hugs,
~Rainey
Nuts, Dogs, and Therapy: Just for Laughs July 1, 2012
Never gets old…always makes me giggle!
I want to hold him and cuddle with him even if he did let the dogs out! lol
This one is for all my fellow blogging buddies…thanks for the therapy!
Let Summer Begin May 28, 2012
This weekend is the unofficial start of summer here in the states. Most of the people in my area flock to the beach and fire up the grill. Since I am chilling on the couch with a hurt foot, I thought I would post some shots of the beach from last summer.
Today is actually Memorial Day, a day set aside to honor our fallen military. My heart goes out to those who have lost loved ones.
Just Stopping By
Hi, Honey, I’m home! 🙂 I’ve so missed blogging these last few weeks, but this is a crazy time at work for me and I am exhausted by the time I get home. To make matters worse, my home life has been hectic as well. So here is a quick update: S (my youngest daughter) graduated and moved away with her girlfriend to start her new job. I miss her everyday, but my heart swells with pride at her determination and drive. I did something right, raising that one. J, my oldest who is plagued by bipolar demons, anxiety, OCD, and an eating disorder, is adjusting to her sister’s move. She struggles with the success that S has had while she is unable to live on her own at age 25. It is hard on both of us. Try as I might, I cannot get it through my husband’s head that she is incapable of being on her own, possible forever. How does he handle it? He “jokes” constantly about her still living with her parents when she is 30 or 40 years old. This is so demeaning to her! It angers me and yet there is nothing she or I can say to make him stop.
As for me, I am having some health issue of my own right now. I have three more weeks at this job and then I will pack up to go to my new job. 🙂 So of course, I had to hurt my foot…..leaving me bed-ridden for this holiday weekend. I am in much pain, but I am more worried about getting through these next 3 weeks. Here I sit, foot propped up on pillows with my dogs by my side. I have caught up on reading and relaxing, that’s for sure!
I have missed my blogging friends. I am going to try to check in with all of my regular reads, but the medicine they have me on makes me drowsy. So if I don’t get to you, my friends, just know I will be back soon. Hugs ~Rainey
Blogging Thanks April 9, 2012
Thank you, all of my blogging friends. I have struggled alone for so long, the support I have received here in recent weeks is astonishing. Each like, each comment, all the feedback, is oh so welcome. It means so much to be able to pour out my uncensored feelings and thoughts, and still be accepted. Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart. ~Rainey
