Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

I’m Drowning in My Own Blood March 19, 2014

Filed under: about me,all,Poems,poetry — rainey46 @ 5:55 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

I’m drowning in my own blood~

it pulses through my veins

boiling, bubbling, tumbling

from fingertip to toes.

 

I’m drowning in my own blood~

it covers me

it fills my greedy lungs and steals

my final breath.

 

I’m drowning in my own blood~

my eyes wide open

I watch until the very end

my last view is crimson.

 

I’m drowning in my own blood.

 

 

 

Advertisements
 

Bright Smile October 2, 2013

Filed under: about me,all,journal,Poems,poetry — rainey46 @ 5:41 pm
Tags: , , , ,

I see your bright smile

but I want to know

what is hidden in your heart?

What secrets dwell deep within?

I see the blinding darkness

behind that too bright smile

and I recognize the disguise

because it is

just like my own.

 

 

 

Today I was Brave January 14, 2013

I did something brave today.

Be Happy

Be Happy (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

And I am freaking proud of myself (for a change). Remember my post “I’m Sick of Me“? I wrote it on a day when I plunged low into the depths of despair and depression. I lied to someone; someone I respect and care for tremendously..my boss…and she found out. I became trapped by the tangled lie with no way out. I respect her so much that I just wanted the earth to swallow me whole. When I looked at her I felt sick to my stomach.

Today, I finally saw her in private. I calmed myself as much as I could and went in and shut her door. I looked her in the eyes and apologized for lying. She looked surprised, but said it was fine. She did ask me why, and I told the truth. It was a stupid lie about something I forgot to do.

IT FELT SO DAMN GOOD! It was incredibly hard for me to do, but it would be harder to NOT talk to her about it. I could not let a lie hang between us, even if she forgave me. I had to face it, and I did.

I am a grown woman. I have lied before, both little white lies and bigger, more serious offenses. It is nothing new or earth-shattering. Facing up to lies is something you learn to do as a child, but it is never, ever easy to do. Lies are born out of desperation or because you are afraid the truth is too difficult for them (or yourself) to face.

Today, I was brave.  I faced it head on. Now my steps are a little lighter and I feel better about myself. Did it take away the lie? No, but it is no longer looming in the front of my head, telling me what a bad person I am. I can say, “Lesson learned.” And I can be proud of me!

 

Darkness Loses On a Good Day December 29, 2012

Happiness Shines in Darkness

On a good day

I wear an aura of happiness

draped around my tan shoulders

like a cape

The darkness is banished

to the deepest recesses of my soul

like a dungeon

The acidic bubbles that try to escape

are quickly consumed by happiness

like a cancer

There is a struggle raging

within me between darkness and light

like a war

But

today is a good day

and

darkness

loses

 

Fix You December 20, 2012

Filed under: all,journal,life,music,musings,random,surviving,thoughts — rainey46 @ 7:22 pm
Tags: , , ,

Listen to the words of this song. J posted it on my Facebook page after she attempted suicide.

 

 

The Three Basic Wants August 5, 2012

What do we, as humans, want from life? Even though we all come from different backgrounds, have different life experiences, and live different realities, I believe we all want the same 3 basic things from life.

1.Acceptance. All of us, young, old, and everything in between, need to feel accepted by other humans. In an experiment conducted in 1958, researcher Solomon Asch concluded, ” The tendency to conformity in our society is so strong that reasonably intelligent and well-meaning young people are willing to call white black.” (You can read more on this experiment here.) We all want to belong…to something. We are social creatures who need interaction with other like-minded people.

2. Love. Why do you think there are so many songs written about love? Because it is a driving force of our interactions with one another. I’m not talking about sex (that is a horse of a different color). The feeling that another person has deep, meaningful and strong emotional ties to you can make all the wrongs in the world seem of no consequence. There are so many levels of love that  one human can feel: everything from love of a parent to love of a best friend.  What matters is that you have a deep, meaningful connection with another person.

3. To have purpose. What is life if you are just drifting through it without a reason? All humans need to feel like they have something to contribute to the good of the world. There is a reason we do what we do. Victor Frankl, who was an Austrian neurologist, psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, said humans are, “characterised by an innate drive to find meaning and significance in their lives, and that failure to achieve meaning results in psychological distress.” (See more here). This desire of a purpose is also why so many people of retirement age find it so difficult to give up a career. Until they see a new purpose in life, they struggle to identify a reason to get up every day.

Feeling accepted, loved, and having a purpose can lead to a happy fulfilling life. If we work on obtaining these three things, I believe the other goodnessness  (yes, I made up that word because it fit!) of life: success, pleasure, respect, and yes, happiness, will follow as a result.

 

Different July 4, 2012

There once was a girl who had everything she needed. She had a mother and father who loved her. She lived in a nice house in suburbia with her parents, brother, sister, and dog. She had many friends to play with in the neighborhood. This girl had everything, and yet she felt different. She was an average looking girl, but she always felt ugly. Because she felt different inside she learned to hide her feelings and true thoughts at a very young age.
This girl grew up and became a young woman. She had strange new feelings and began to drink and do drugs. She still felt different, as if no one would ever understand her. She tried to fit in with first one group, then another, but never felt herself.
This young woman grew up and became a mother. She tried her best to be a good mother, but it was so hard. She still felt different and by this time unlovable. She sometimes felt so incomplete she just wanted to run away or die.  She still felt unhappy and different.
~
I wish this story had a happy ending. I don’t know yet, though, because I am still living it. Maybe, one day, she will fit in, feel lovable, and find out it’s okay to be different.