Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Time Will Tell November 17, 2013

I stumbled upon a Facebook page of my old high school. I live within thirty minutes of where I grew up, but high school was not a good time for me so I put that time of my life behind me- along with the people I knew then. For some reason, I scrolled through a few screens of people trying to reconnect, or announcements of class reunions, and a name suddenly jumped out at me…the name of one of the men who gang raped me when I was 16. I closed my eyes and almost didn’t look at the page. After a moment, I looked: it was his death announcement.

I followed a link to an online obituary that showed pictures of him: with his wife, then children and grandchildren. The younger pictures looked just like the man I knew: cute, almost shy smile; slightly mussed blonde hair; and clear tan skin. As he aged, he got a little heavier, but seemed to maintain his “boy-next-door” good looks.

I expected to feel rage that he lived an ordinary life when I lived so much of mine in emotional pain. I expected to feel relief that he was dead and had suffered from the ravages of cancer. But I felt neither of these emotions.

I really felt….nothing. Just a little twinge that someone I once knew was dead.

Does this mean that I’ve really finally healed? Did I take back my power after all these years?

I hope so.

Only time will tell.

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Early Morning Aloneness February 10, 2013

I’m living in the moment and the moment is nice.

It’s early morning here, too early for ME to be up on a Sunday when I could sleep in. I  awake to the feel of Riley’s warm body pressed close  to me. I feel Sophie, his “lady” and my darling little girl, snuggled against my leg. Soft snores rise from hubs, and I am warm and cozy beneath my blanket. But, I am awake, and as often happens, nature calls. So I leave the comfort of my nest with my pups at my heels.

After a quick stop in the bathroom, we all three pad down the hall and into the kitchen. I turn on the day’s first pot of coffee and take the pups outside. Lucky for me, I have a fenced yard where they can roam freely. Sophie doesn’t like the cold and must be enticed to go out. I remain vigilant over my little man, so I stand on the back porch and shiver in the cold while he takes care of his business. A few minutes later we are all back in the warmth of the kitchen as I pour my first cup of steaming black coffee.

In the living room we settle into our normal positions: me, computer on my lap and mug in my hand, with Sophie curled on the arm of the love seat against my left side. Riley settles against my hip on the right. Today I feel his trembles. It is, I hope, a side effect of the new medication that will soon pass. He remains slightly disoriented and dazed, but seems fine otherwise. The medicine makes him drowsy, so he settles in for a snooze as I check my email and Facebook.

At 6:00 I disturb their slumber, but it is time for Riley’s medication. J forgot to buy canned dog food, so I get pieces of a hot dog. They each get two bites, Riley’s with his medication smuggled inside. The new pill is very large, so I watch to make sure it goes down. I write a note on the never-ending list on the notepad beside the refrigerator to remind myself to get the canned dog food. Breakfast is next, so I scoop two bowls of Pedigree’s finest into first one then the other bowl. Riley and Sophie sniff at each bowl and walk away, unimpressed. Riley walks into the living room and lifts his leg as he urinates on the blanket dangling from the ottoman. This is something he’s not done since being a young pup and I stare, momentarily shocked. When I move, it is to push, rather than spank, his hind quarters. He looks confused. I take him outside again, where he finishes his business. Back inside, he watches me closely as I scrub the ottoman and rug. He follows me as I toss the blanket into the washing machine and begin the first of many loads I need to complete today.

While up, I pour another mug of coffee. Back to the sofa, parade style, me in the lead and the two dogs following close behind. This time, Riley settles on the couch, choosing the end closest to me and he circles until it is just right. I hear a contented sigh as he relaxes again. Sophie waits patiently for me to get comfortable. I curl my legs up beneath me and place my computer lap-desk across my thighs. My coffee is within easy reach on the end table to my left. I pat the padded arm of the love seat to let Sophie know I am ready, and she leaps into her position and settles in.

I can see the kitchen window from my position here on the love seat and the day is brightening. Soon, the others in my home will wake up and join me, but for now, I am content in the comfort of my early morning aloneness.

Spread Your Wings and Fly

 

WordPress Friendships Vs. Real Life Friendships: Who Wins? January 6, 2013

Is it bad that I feel closer to some of my WordPress friends than I do my “real life” friends? Should I be concerned? I have met the kindest, funniest, and sweetest people in blog-land.  I look forward to reading and interacting with you more than real life friends.

To be fair, I keep real life friends at arm’s length; I always have. I have many, many acquaintances…you know, people who are “friends” whom you talk to when you see them, you chat on Facebook, you know about their children and their dog, but you don’t go to the movies or show up at each others homes. Real friends (which I define as people who can drop by unannounced and not piss me off, people who call and I actually answer, or people I turn to when I need a shoulder or they need one) I can count on two  hands one finger. Seriously. I just don’t let people in for fear that they run screaming “FREAK!”.

I am amazed that I found a mate. He is clueless, mind you. I don’t mean that in a bad way. He just lives in his own happy-land world and ignores or doesn’t see the bad. For example, my youngest daughter, S, is gay. I’ve known it, the way a mother knows, for a long, long time. When she “came out” (I hate that phrase because it was like she was hiding, but she wasn’t, she just hadn’t figured it out for herself yet) I hugged her and told her it was great while hubs freaked. I mean, seriously FREAKED. He was born and raised in small town, USA (where we still live, BTW) He proclaimed that he loved her, but would not have “any of that shit in his house.” Not long after that, S met her partner, E. Hubs said she wasn’t coming in our house or to family events. This almost broke us up because I will NEVER do that to my daughter! I finally made him see that was wrong (he’s not a bad person, he just was raised a certain way) and that I would not alienate S by forbidding her to bring over the person she loves! He has adjusted, but here is how: in his mind, S and E are “friends”. “Roommates”. NOT lovers. He makes it okay by putting it in terms he can handle. Like I said, he lives in his own happy world.

That is how he is able to live with me or even love me. He sees what he WANTS to see. When I am depressed, I am “feeling bad” as in I have a cold or a virus. If you asked him right now if his wife gets depressed, he would say no. And he would believe it.

I wear a mask around the people who know me. An impenetrably, harden mask that sits firmly in place. It never slips. It never fails. But when I sit down at this computer, I take the mask off and place it gently on the table beside me. I type…sometimes silly, sometimes serious, but always, always truly me. And guess what? A person followed my blog. Someone else liked it. And before long, I had a regular connection with a fine group of people. None of them ran screaming…well, some probably did, but who needs them? But people are getting to know me, and they are actually sticking around. This is an amazing gift.

So yes, I feel closer to you than people who actually know me. But maybe, just maybe, I will take a peek from around the mask and let someone see a tiny part of me.

mask of Many Colors

 

Nirvana: Not the Band (Even Though I Love Them) January 4, 2013

A conversation with a friend got me to thinking; how would it be to live without the everyday stresses of the world? Have we become so ingrained with the constant stimulus of our modern life that we would quickly become bored, or would we adjust and thrive with the low-key lifestyle?

We’re bombarded with media from the moment we wake up (the blaring alarm clock) to the time we fall asleep (lulled by the sound of “Everybody Loves Raymond” reruns). Demands at work cross our desks in the form of snail mail, email, texts, instant messages, and Skype. Everything is fast-paced, high-importance, and stressful. Could you walk away from it all unscathed?

I for one, would love to try. My creative side could be unleashed. I would create, in all forms of the word. That, my friends, would be my true nirvana.

 

My Humor is Back…Because Without it, I Have Nothing! December 22, 2012

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Bahaha! Reminds me of a scene from the movie “Elf” when Elf asks the man if Santa knew he left the North Pole!

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That’s right! We handle shit these days!

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He says with mock disdain…

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Yes, having a bit of that magical substance right now!

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Another episode of Wild Kingdom

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Must have been looking at her Facebook page again!

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Le Clown as a child, perhaps?!

 

Who Am I? August 5, 2012

Who am I?

i am empathetic

~for animals and children, who need our love and devotion

~for broken humans, who are suffering in so many ways

~for elderly, who have lived and loved and become frail

i am liberal

~i believe equal rights mean equal for all

~i judge by who you are, not what you are

~i think all people should have the rights of all others

i am a survivor

~of childhood molestation

~of interior, self-inflicted wounds

~of life and all its curves

i am a mother

~my daughters will always come first

~my girls live in my heart wherever they may be

~my heart breaks every time they hurt

i am a creator

~of words that, together, come alive on a page

~of pictures i paint with film or acrylics

~of objects created of metal, glass and other beauties

i am a lover

~of animals and nature

~of music that feeds my soul with rhythm and words

~of my dogs, who quiet my restless soul

i am a hater

~of self, for things i cannot yet forgive

~of ignorant, bigoted people who spew hateful words at others

~of explantions molded to fit one view only

i am imperfect

~i hide from the truth when it hurts too much

~i pretend i’m okay when i’m not at all

~i lie to fit in and be safe in the group

i am a beast

~when you harm someone i love

~when your hatred turns against the helpless

~when i’m pushed into a corner, i come out swinging

i am so many things.

i am all of this and much, much more.

i am Rainey.

 

For the Shits and Giggles File July 19, 2012

Okay, today’s Shits and Giggles file is a link to “The 50 Cutest Things That Ever Happened”. I found it through my daughter, S, who posted it on her Facebook page. It was the first thing I saw when I woke up this morning, and it had me giggling and laughing like a lunatic! What a GREAT way to start my day! I hope it tickles  your funny bone as much as it did mine!

WARNING: Contains extreme cuteness of animals and some with animals and babies. proceed with caution! 🙂

http://www.buzzfeed.com/expresident/the-cutest-things-that-ever-happened?sub=1675184_440492