Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Today June 23, 2013

Filed under: about me,all,death,depression,events,family,grief,journal — rainey46 @ 6:29 pm
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Today was the hardest day since the day Riley died. No particular reason; just a really, really hard day. I’ve cried so much I look like I was beaten in the face.

If you are not a dog person, you don’t get it. He was my little boy, my constant companion. If you averaged the time I spent with humans and the time I spent with my two dogs, I know for a fact I spent much more time with the dogs. He slept beside me at night, curled up under my left arm. If I rolled over, I felt his little fur weight pressed against my back. In the morning, he followed me to the bathroom, waiting patiently until I finished so he could be let out for his turn. If he got scared, he ran to my arms. He greeted me at the door every single day, joyful and happy that I came home again. If I went out-of-town, he moped and refused to eat until I returned. He loved to play ball, and would let me work on the computer for just so long before he insisted that I take a break and play with him.

Dogs have always had my heart. Riley came into my life when my girls went away to college and I felt so lonely. Hubs works 12 hour shifts so I am home alone a lot, especially in the summer. Not long after that was when J started the first downward slide of bipolar, addictions, and disorders. It was a hard time for hubs and I, and it drove us apart for a while. Mental illness is not understood by the general public, as you all know, so I had no one. Except Riley. He was not a trained therapy dog, but he might as well have been. When I cried, he stayed by me, licking my tears as they streamed down my face. When I calmed down, he would gently bring me his favorite ball and look at me with those huge, understanding eyes. God how I miss those eyes.

Hubs called to check on me today. I can hear in his voice how worried he is about me. He knows my tendency toward depression, and that in recent years it has gotten worse each time. He wants to go get a new puppy tomorrow. My first reaction was NO, but it’s not to replace Riley. That will never happen. But our little girl, Soph, is out of sorts and so lonely now. And if we get a puppy, it needs to be in the summer when I can train it. I’m just not sure I’m ready for that. Hubs is just trying to stop my downward slide, I realize that. It is so sweet. I’m just not sure.

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Real Love June 21, 2013

Filed under: about me,dogs,musings,Sorrow — rainey46 @ 2:09 pm
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I understand now. I know why I have such a deep, real love for dogs. I understand why I love and trust dogs more than I do humans.

Dogs love. Unconditionally, no-holds-barred LOVE. They love so completely, they give so freely, that I trust them. Humans, however, always have an agenda. We all do. Humans have ulterior motives whether we realize it or not. It’s not a shameful thing; it is just the way it is. It’s just the way we are.

I learned a very long time ago to never fully give my heart to another human. But I handed over my heart and soul to Riley because he knew me, he accepted me, and he loved every part of me without reservation.

My little dog Riley died Tuesday. I’m hurting worse than I ever have before.  The pain is physical and intense.

The sun is shining. The birds are chirping. Life is moving on, but my heart is shattered beyond repair. I know I love my little Sophie, and I know I will love another pup someday, but never, ever will there be another Riley.

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Truth or Dare…If You Dare! May 12, 2013

Truth or Dare time….

TRUTH: I once flushed a set of car keys down the toilet. In a mental hospital while visiting my daughter. Did I mention they were rental car keys and I was 2,600 miles from home?

TRUTH: I used to pretend to like steamed oysters just so I could hang out with my dad and his buddies. I really thought they were gross (the oysters, not his buddies), but I loved spending time with my dad.

TRUTH: I am sometimes attracted to men, and sometimes to women. I think it is  a certain quality I find appealing, not sexuality.

TRUTH: Dog poop, dog vomit….neither bothers me at all. Let a kid throw up, and I am running the other way!

TRUTH: If I burp, I ALWAYS say excuse me. Even if I am alone.

DARE: I dare you to tell me a truth about YOU!

 

Enjoy the Moment January 25, 2013

The weather is bitterly cold and I am loving it. I am home early from work and already huddled on the couch in my comfy clothes wrapped in a blanket. My “grandpups” are here to visit, as is my youngest daughter, S. She is watching a movie with her dad, and I am just enjoying the moment.

I’m trying to do more of that: enjoying the moment. I live so much inside my own head that it is hard sometimes to just be “present” in the here and now. I miss all the little joys of life when I’m not focused on the moment. Today I noticed how fresh the cold air felt and smelled. The smile of a coworker that I felt in my heart. The love radiating from my dog when he gazes into my eyes first thing in the morning. The warmth and taste of the first sip of coffee in the morning. I noticed the comforting feel of the keys beneath my fingers as I type reports (or blogs).  These little, insignificant moments are what make up life.

A coworker did something unexpected  today. She walked into my office, threw her arms around me, and gave me a big hug. It felt really nice. I laughed and asked her who was that for, me or her? She laughed and said, “Both.” It was so sweet, and after the way I have felt lately, it made my day. You never know what you might do or say that will mean the world to someone else.

 

This One’s for Oscar! December 7, 2012

Filed under: all,dogs,humor,just shits and giggles,life — rainey46 @ 7:09 pm
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 A Mini Me!

Note to self…

You must treat your children the same…

His face made me laugh out loud!

Smart doggie!

Run, Spot, run!

 

Simple Things July 15, 2012

There are  many simple things in life that make me smile and fill we with happiness. At times, these little things are what help me through really rough moments. Here are a few of those things:

  • Flowers, but especially daisies; they are such happy flowers!
  • Dogs and cats…really ANY animal
  • Hummingbirds drinking from the feeders I have out
  •  A clean kitchen sink…weird, I know, but it makes me happy!
  • Fresh sheets (dried outside, of course) on my bed
  • Turning on the radio and hearing a GREAT song
  • A cool shower after a hot day
  • Seeing leaves fall in autumn
  • Being near a body of water…ocean, lake, creek…
  • Looking at beautiful art
  • Rain…I LOVE a rainy day
  • Old buildings…they have such history!
  • SNOW
  • Sitting by the fire pit on a cold day
  • Getting a message from someone special
  • Capturing a great photo
  • Reading a good book; one that leaves me with a satisfied feeling when I finish reading it

What are some simple things that make you happy?

 

Bullet Dodged July 8, 2012

J, my daughter, is feeling better this morning. She said it really helped to have my dogs there with her. She’s still down about the breakup with her boyfriend, but not dangerously so. I feel much better about her. I think the worst is behind her and now she’s on the upswing. Times like these I feel like I have dodged a bullet!
J also visited my parents yesterday. They asked how E, my other daughters life partner, was doing!!! This is HUGE!! My parents are racist and homophobic, so this was a big deal. My parents are stuck in the mindset of their generation, and it is hard for them. They are really trying to show support, and I love them for that. I knew my dad would be okay, but my mom…well, she is very judgmental. She and I still have issues, but she loves me and my kids.
Now that the crisis is over, I guess I can go back to contemplating life…

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