Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Again October 20, 2013

And…here we go again. If there is anyone out there in anonymous blog-land who actually comes back more than once or twice to read about the shit-show I call my life, you should probably change channels now. You’ve heard this before, multiple times. But, it is my life, this is my blog ABOUT my life, so….

J’s meds are not working. She has been on the same one for a whole year now, and that is incredible for her. Her bipolar ups and downs (she had rapid cycling…ha-ha, I typed “rabid” by accident; that fits, too) started getting crazy about three months ago, so her doctor added another drug to help the first one. He slowly upped it to the proper dosage over a month, but it didn’t work. So, two weeks ago he weaned her back off that one and started a new one.

It’s not working. The voices in her head returned. She is more aggressive than ever, and spent most of her monthly paycheck in a week.

I just want her to be happy and stable. She deserves it. I deserve it. Is it too much to ask?

Back to the drawing board. Again.

 

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Now What Do I Do? July 7, 2013

Just when I thought things might be getting back to normal, more shit hits the fan.

J has acted weird for a few days now, but today is really bad.  She spent the night with a friend last night and came in this morning. I could tell something was wrong. When I asked, she would only say she was having a rough time. I didn’t press, because that’s the way we are; we give each other space.

She stayed in her room all day, only coming out to eat. She looks and acts like a zombie. I asked her if I needed to be concerned, and she said no. I let it go. Later her sister, S, came by and I asked her to check on her. She said J was having terrible OCD issues. She thinks if she comes out of her room too many times something bad will happen.

OCD is not new, but this extent is. She has very mild OCD, such as rinsing a glass 4 times before filling it with water. As I said, nothing severe. Now, for no reason I can understand, she cannot leave her room.

So now what do I do?

 

 

Sunday Morning Update on the Family May 26, 2013

Happy Sunday morning! It is early morning here as I sit on the porch and drink my second cup of coffee. It’s a “linger and take small sips” kinda morning. The sun is shining but there is a cool crispness in the air. I hear the crow of the neighborhood rooster in the distance. He seems to insist for you to get up and start the day. A morning dove calls her lonely song out and other birds chirp “good mornings”.

I love that it is never quiet in the early morning hours. The sounds of nature put me at ease.

I haven’t done an update on my life in a while, so….

I’ve dealt with much anxiety in the past month, mostly over things of my own doing. <Heavy sigh.> Will I ever be able to stop making my own life hard? On a better note, school is out in 2 weeks and I will be home for a little while. I’m excited to have time to get a few things done for me. I’m no longer waiting for Hubs to do things, because it never happens. So, I will do it myself.

I’m not a church goer, so I will spend my day doing all those things that don’t get done during the workweek. Also, I don’t think I shared some wonderful news: my daughter S and her partner E just bought a house! It’s a cute old  house in the historic section of town. We are busy helping them move this weekend. It fills my heart with joy to see her so happy taking this step. To think she is only 24! She is so traditional in everything she does (except of course she happens to be gay.) I hope the wanderlust that plagues me never gets into her heart.

I also have exciting news about J (my daughter who has an eating disorder, bipolar, and anxiety issues). SHE STARTED BACK TO COLLAGE! She took the steps she needed to do to get financial aid and sign up for the courses she needs. The classes are online and she started this week. She has made an “A” on every assignment so far! I am so proud of her for doing this. She’s dealt with some strong anxiety in the process, but she did it.

My heart is full of pride and happiness for both of my girls.

 

 

Feeling Better, Anti-Weepies, and Good Friends March 25, 2013

I’m getting there. Despite the chaos around me (or maybe BECAUSE of it) I feel…lighter. The heaviness in my head and chest is a little better today; the haze is lessening. I still have a certain sadness, a melancholy, if you will, but it is not crippling. I am able to think of tomorrow, and that there is a reason to see another tomorrow. That’s progress, my friends!

My dear friend Hannah (and she is a friend, even if I have never met her in “real life”) made a comment on my last post. She said I was bat-shit crazy and why didn’t I go take some damn anti-lunatic pills and stop pissing around already.

No, she didn’t really say that. 😉 But I wouldn’t be offended if she had! (See, I’m feeling better because my sense of humor is back.) This is what she actually wrote:

Don’t take this the wrong way, but have you considered medication? You are a wonderful, loving, giving person, and if you need some help getting through this period in your life, then you should have it. I’ve been on medication, and yes, it’s absolutely a crutch, but you know, sometimes you break your leg and it’s ok to use a crutch for a time. Not forever, maybe, but to get through the worst of it. So, all I’m saying is, if you don’t need it, then ok… but if you do, that’s alright, too.

My friend, I agree. Here is the sad thing: This is me on drugs. I AM ON MEDICINE!! And, here is the kicker…..they have changed it and increased it multiple times. Most of the time, I sail along with the usual ups and downs. But in recent years, the lows take me way, way down. Some may be situational…  after all, my life is the kind they write books about (and you would think it was all made up; no one could REALLY have a  life like that!). Some may be the residual effects of the abuse I suffered at a younger age. But I know some of these feelings are not based on current or past situations. Those mornings when I open my eyes only to see the darkness has descended; those days when nothing interests me; those nights when I beg my dreams to take me away, but all they do is mock me….that is depression in the purest form.

The pills do work. I stopped taking them once. Within days, all I could do was weep. Yes, weep. I’m not a woman to use that word lightly, but when the shoe fits…there is no other way to describe it. I. Could. Not. Function. I went back on the medicine, and felt like myself a few days later. That is NOT an experience I ever want to repeat. Don’t get me wrong; I like an occasional good cry: it is a powerful release that leaves me feeling cleansed and emotionally stable again. But WEEPING, however, is NOT FUN. You make no sense, the tears flow without any feeling of release, your nose gets all snotty and gross, and YOU CANNOT STOP! There is no end to weeping. It just gets quieter, but it doesn’t stop. It is a pathetic kind of crying with no purpose other than to make you look weak and stupid, and, yes, CRAZY. So I have no plans to stop taking my beautiful little “no-weepies” pills each day.

Do I need to go back and try a new kind of pill? Maybe. Okay, yes, I do. But that will have to wait until this summer, because I cannot afford to dive into the weepies at work. They kinda don’t know how unstable I really am, and I hope to keep fooling them for another day week year or two, if possible. So I will continue, the best that I can.

As for you, my dear friends, thank you. Thank you for your kind, encouraging words when things get tough for me. I’m not able to reply when things are bad, but I want you to know I am reading and it does matter. I know my bouts with depression are not fun to read about, but it is healing and helpful to me to get it out. I cannot say what I feel, and I hide it from those around me, but for some reason I can write about it straight from the heart. When I write, I don’t censor. So you are seeing me naked, down to the very center of my humanist. I am honored that any of you stick around to read. The fact that so many of  you actually care enough to comment and wish me well…it blows me away. It gives me hope for the human race. And yes, if I hadn’t taken my pills, I might even be a little weepy right now…

 

Pure Rage February 5, 2013

J is at therapy right now. She has bounced so much lately between mania and depression, I am afraid he will change her meds again.  The mania can sometimes be aggressive anger in the form of a sharp tongue and aggressive mannerism that she usually does not show. A few times in the last week her mania has been rage. There is no other word for it. Pure, on the edge, rage. And it really scares me.

I’m scared for her, not for me. I’ve never had her hurt me or even try to. I’m more worried that she will turn it on some total stranger or someone at work. Not that I think she is a danger; not at all. J has always swallowed her anger, or turned it inward. But the rage she feels now comes out of nowhere and is usually very out of proportion to what it should be. For example, she stopped at the store to buy chap-stick.  She couldn’t find her favorite kind, so she asked the clerk. When the clerk told her they were out, she was filled with rage and had to turn and walk out of the store. She couldn’t even speak she was so enraged. Now that the anger is coming out more, I hope the therapist works with her on how to express anger in a healthy way.

 

 

Best Present Ever December 20, 2012

We are finally back from the hospital. J survived this suicide attempt. (See previous post, here). We spent many hours sitting in the ER, but by the time a doctor saw her she was feeling better. While waiting, she was shaking, clawing at her skin, and mumbling to herself. People around us in the waiting area looked on with pity in their eyes. I didn’t care; all I wanted was some help for J. After a while, she finally got a bed and talked with the doctor on call. When he came and talked to me, I was able to confirm what she told him; the major crisis was over and she was no longer a danger to herself. He released her.

We were able to get an appointment to see her psychiatrist, so when we left the hospital we drove straight there. J stopped going to therapy about a year ago because she (nor I) could not afford it. He told her that he would do the therapy and she could make payments and work on a sliding scale. I am so grateful to him! There are good people in the world!

She is exhausted and I am exhausted, but we are home and she is safe. That is the best Christmas present I could have.

 

Possible Help and More Drugs July 25, 2012

While doing some research on depression and bipolar, I came across another great website. Click here for the home page of Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance. It has a great mood calendar you can print and use, as well as good information about mental health issues. One page has a list of prescription drug assistance programs (click here). I am glad I found it, but PISSED that none of the specialist J has seen told her about these programs. Hopefully she will follow through with contacting them. I don’t have the energy to do it for her, and at some point she has GOT to accept responsibility for herself, right?

She just returned from the psychiatrist. He said she did the right thing by coming in because she has a very unusual and hard to treat disorder (what the hell does that mean??). He changed her medicine AGAIN to something she tried briefly before, right after a return from the  hospital. She only stayed on it two weeks, but she was in such a bad way already they switched her to something else.  He’s trying her on this in combination with some other medication and he told her she would probably always need a “cocktail” of drugs for her disorders. I used to get excited each time they switched her to new medicine, thinking maybe, just maybe, this would be THE ONE. Now I don’t think there is such a thing. I just hope this next ride on the mental roller coaster is not too scary.