Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Back From the Beach and My Head Didn’t Explode August 2, 2012

I took a quick trip to the beach (just for one night) because I thought my head might explode if I didn’t get out of here for a while. It worked; I am back home, head still in one piece (well, that’s not really true, but it didn’t explode) and slightly refreshed. I really wanted to go somewhere (anywhere) so I could take pictures for my new photo blog I started …click here to see it….I just wanted a place to put pictures only, without any words other than titles.

The beach is my least favorite water to go to this time of year. I really like it in the off-season when it is cool and mostly deserted. But I am glad I went because I got some great pictures I will be sharing in the upcoming weeks.

Another reason I went was to get a break from J. (For new readers, she is my daughter who has an eating disorder, anxiety, bipolar, and OCD. She is 25 and unable to live alone.) She’s had some “female” issues lately. I went with her to the doctor because they found some abnormal cell growth. We went on Tuesday, and they said it was just all the new meds that she was taking. She continued to complain about how she felt and said the doctor was wrong, something else was wrong. J complains so much about health problems (and every other small thing in life) that I sometimes reach a point of needing to scream, hit her, or run away. I ran away (for a day) so I wouldn’t scream or hit her.

As I was driving to the beach, she called and dropped a bombshell. “I think I am pregnant.”

I went temporarily blind and deaf.  All I could see were colors and lights with some darkness around the edges. I could hear my blood pounding in my head. Oh, and I think I threw up just a little.

You cannot begin to imagine what her being pregnant would mean for me. For her. For any of us in this family. But mostly, for me. Damn.

She went back to the doctor and had some more tests done. Results came in today. Do you want the good news or the bad news first? I will start with the good news: SHE IS NOT PREGNANT!!!!!! I am so thankful I could cry. But….the bad news….she has a type of STD. FOR THE SECOND TIME. And, get this, it is NOT from the boyfriend she just had the big breakup with! I am so very angry with her right now. She is sleeping around, again, taking these huge risks with her life (and my life, really) and acts so damn casual about it. I  know, I know….Bipolar  manic stages can make you more promiscuous; she is a 25 year-old with a mind of her own. I know all of this, and yet I am so angry at her. She lives with me (and will forever unless she meets someone who will love her and take care of her) because she cannot live alone. Her anxiety level is too high, she has HUGE money issues, and she just cannot do it. Everything she does, or doesn’t do, affects me as well. She is extremely self-centered and loves to keep drama going on. Right now I just want to kick her in the ass for being so stupid!

Please know, I am just venting. I do not, and will not, get physical with J. I truly love my daughter more than life itself. She can be a kind, caring person. I actually enjoy spending time with her….when we are not in crisis.

I’m glad I went to the beach. It probably saved my head from exploding. I may need to go to the mountains soon…

 

The Breakup and Breakdown July 7, 2012

It’s bad. It’s real bad. My daughter, J and her boyfriend broke up, got back together, and broke up again. She seemed fine at first; we came to the lake, some of her friends came and joined us, and we all had a great time. She rode back home with her friends yesterday. Now, the bipolar depression is kicking her with a vengeance. I am, once again, at a loss. Do I go home? If so, what do I do? I tried to get her to come back up here but she will not do it. Now I am feeling panicked and anxious. I love her but feel like I am drowning myself, then I have to also carry her. I don’t know how many more of these ups and downs I can survive.
My daughter is 25. Will she ever be alright without me? Will I survive myself?

 

Lakeside Therapy July 1, 2012

J and her boyfriend broke up and got right back together two weeks ago. (For those who don’t know, J is my oldest daughter who suffers from an eating disorder, Bipolar, anxiety, and OCD). They semi-worked it out, but I could tell it wasn’t the same. J and I talked last night and she admitted that she was unhappy. This time, she broke up with him and she was very firm about it. She expected him to be angry but he cried instead, which really hurt her. She seems to be doing okay, but it is hard to gauge sometimes just how deep the depression is. She has been depressed for about three weeks now, so I am watching her closely.

I cared about her boyfriend, but I love my daughter. I wish him well and hope he does okay. He has issues of his own and I will worry about him, but keeping my daughter safe and alive will always come before anything and anyone. All I want is for her to be happy and healthy. She is terrified that no one will love her and she will be alone the rest of her life. She is emotionally needy and can be draining at times, but J is such a great person. I can see her with an older guy who will nurture her and give her emotional support like she needs.

I fear this summer will be an emotional roller coaster for my daughter and I. It is so hard when two people live together and have mental and emotional ‘issues’ (for lack of a better term). Sometimes it helps to get away and shake up the routine, so we are going for a drive this afternoon. We are going to see if any campsites are available on a nearby lake. If we can find a good spot we will stay for the next ten days or so. It is a BIG holiday in the states this week (4th of July), so I’m not sure we will find a site, but I pray we will. These two ladies need some lakeside therapy time.

 

J and Bipolar Betty June 22, 2012

English: Street art

English: Street art (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When J was a little girl  the thought of monsters under her bed and in her closet frightened her. Night after night, I would check for monsters and reassure her that her room was clear. We sprayed “anti-monster” spray and sang a special “anti-monster” song. Eventually, she outgrew her fear of monsters under the bed and moved on to other worries.

Not once did I tell her there were no such things as monsters. When I was a little girl, the thought of monsters also frightened me. My mother laughed, told me that I was silly, and put me in the bed. I still remember the crippling fear of laying there, waiting, knowing that at any minute I would be gobbled up. My mother had no patience for silliness and lost the ability to see through a child’s eyes long ago.

The monster from under the bed now lives inside J’s head. The monster we call Bipolar Betty rages inside, sometimes crippling her. This monster has almost taken J from me; she has attempted suicide at least 5 times. This monster, when manic, spends enough money to turn this economy around single-handedly. This monster, when not controlled by the proper medicine, is slowly dimming the sparkle in my daughter’s eyes.

I write about J on here a lot, but usually just the bipolar side of her. I really wish you could all meet her because she is such a special young lady. She has a biting, quick wit and often has everyone around her laughing uncontrollably. She is a defender of the hurt, the young, and the  underdog.  J has a very special gift of working with troubled children. These children, ages 5-7, have been badly damaged by life and physically act out in rage by throwing desks, biting, kicking and punching. Somehow, my daughter calms them and actually gets them to sit in a seat and learn! She amazes me with her gifts.

I write about her bipolar as ‘Bipolar Betty’ because it is, to me, separate from who my daughter really is. I am angry at Bipolar Betty but not angry at J. It helps me to distinguish between the reckless, stupid things she does when her medicine is not working and the normal stupid choices a 25-year-old makes.

J and her boyfriend broke up yesterday, during the same week her doctor changed her medication. Bipolar Betty’s depressed side has taken over my daughter again. She hasn’t been this low in a long time and it scares me. There is a fine line with depression in a bipolar person. Anyone who has broken up with someone you care about knows how low it can make you feel. That is normal. But with bipolar, this normal low can quickly become life-threatening. It can also last for weeks or months. The last time she was really low her doctor gave her medicine to knock her up into a manic state. I understand this was to keep her from harming herself, but all this chemically induced up and down crap CANNOT be good for her!

So, here I am today, holding on. Bipolar Betty is back, and it’s going to be a long, rough ride.