Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Mostly Sunny, With a Chance of Tears December 28, 2012

Do you ever wake up knowing that if you don’t get out and do something, anything, for yourself that you will simply go mad? Yeah; that was me today. I never heard my daughter, J, come home last night. I went to bed around midnight. I did finally hear from her around 10:00 pm when she sent a text saying she was fine, and hanging out with friends. I asked her about therapy and she said it was “okay”. I didn’t push; whatever happens in therapy stays in therapy, right?

So I woke up feeling antsy and hyped. I told hubs I needed to get out and wanted to go somewhere to snap some pictures with my lost-and-now-found camera. We jumped in the car and cruised to a small town about an hour away. We walked the streets and enjoyed the crisp air as I snapped to my heart’s content. I love seeing the world through the lens of my camera. I see and notice things that are easily overlooked with the naked eye.

exploring on a cold december day

I also love old abandoned houses. I was able to get some great shots of a few we passed along the way. (If interested, you can check out some on my photo blog, Rainey’s View. A good abandoned house shot is this one.) I always wonder about the lives that were lived in these houses; who lived and loved there? Why did they leave it behind? My imagination sometimes gets carried away…

Afterward, we stopped in a revitalized downtown area for a late lunch. I sat in the booth by the window and watched couples stroll by. Again, my imagination runs wild as I invent stories of love and hate around the unsuspecting people within my view. I’m sure most would be amused by the fantastic sagas I create for them.

Now, 151 camera shots later, my adventure is over and I am back home. J has not left her bed except to eat. She appears down again, but not wanting to talk. All I can do is offer to listen when she needs it and I am able to handle it. (When I am in a dark mood, sometimes I cannot be there for her and it gives me deep pain in my heart.) I had a lovely sunny day, but now I fear there is a great chance of tears in the forecast.

 

Found & First December 27, 2012

I FOUND MY CAMERA!!!! Oh, happy day! It was hiding in my garage, just waiting for me to remember that day I laid it on the shelf. I was going shopping, and didn’t want to leave it in the car where someone might steal it. I usually keep it in my trunk, (I don’t like to leave home without it) but for some reason left it on the shelf.

J had her appointment for her first therapy session with her¬†Psychiatrist. It was two hours ago, and I haven’t heard from her yet. I called and sent her a text, but no reply. I’m beginning to get worried about her. I don’t know how long it was to last, or how intense it would be. I offered to go with her, but she said no. I understand; some things you must do for yourself.

Moonlit Night

 

Unsuccessful Suicide December 19, 2012

Various pills

Various pills (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

tw-sign6

My daughter tried to kill herself again today. I never thought I would write that statement, but here I am. She took a bottle of pills. Again. She waited until she was at home, alone. Hubs and I were about 20 minutes away having supper at a local Mexican Restaurant. After she took them she got scared, so she started texting “goodbye” messages to all of her best friends. She sent me one, too. “I really love you and dad” it said. My phone was in my car, so I didn’t see her message until I was driving home. Along with her message was about 5 from her friends trying to make sure she was okay and that I was with her. I called her, but she didn’t answer. Next I called the friend who lives closest, Angel. Angel was already on the way over to the house to check on her. I drove like a maniac, running 80-100 all the way home.

Angel and her boyfriend got there right before me. She told them she took some pills. I was about to call 911 when J started vomiting. She was very groggy and could barely lift her head. She vomited over and over, so I felt like enough came up that she was out of danger.

I didn’t cry. I didn’t get upset. But every time this happens, another part of my heart dies.

I am just tired. We have gone through this so many times now, that I hardly feel anything. It’s just another day in my life. My daughter tried to kill herself again. She didn’t succeed. Tomorrow I will go to work. Life goes on.

 

 

 

Impending Doom, Gay Rights, and Playing in Sprinklers: Just Another Day July 17, 2012

sprinkler

sprinkler (Photo credit: g_kat26)

Today was mostly a good day. I sat in the sun (even though it was hot as Hades) and read for a while. When I became too hot, I hooked up the sprinkler! I haven’t done that in ages, and it made me feel like a little kid again!

There are so many “projects” I need/want to do, but I am having too much fun just “being”. That is something I have always had trouble with; I feel guilty if I’m not doing something constructive. This week, though, I am just reading, playing games, and relaxing. It’s kind of nice to not be under constant stress.

Speaking of stress, J is struggling so much now. Her moods are all over the place, she’s still mostly depressed, and she is not herself. I have her pills (at least the heavy-duty ones that can do the most damage) unless she went to the psychiatrist and got new ones without telling me. She is having trouble with eating too much again and has done some purging. I don’t think she is cutting; I haven’t seen the signs. I just feel an omen, as if something is going to happen. I hope I am wrong.Various pills

I miss my other daughter, S. I have seen her only two times since she moved away, and she is already talking about moving to another state, one that recognizes gay marriage. I don’t blame her, and I want her to be happy, but I hate knowing that she must live elsewhere just to get married. So many in this state are vocally opposed to gay rights.¬† About three years ago, I had my own business (in addition to working my old job). This was when S first told me she was gay, and soon after, began living with her girlfriend…in the small town in which I work and live. Immediately, several customers stopped coming to my shop. This is the place in which I live and it makes me sad that people cannot just mind their own business and let others be. Even if I thought being gay was wrong (and I don’t), I would not presume to go around and tell others not to be gay!

That was my vent for the day. Just live, and let others live.

 

Bullet Dodged July 8, 2012

J, my daughter, is feeling better this morning. She said it really helped to have my dogs there with her. She’s still down about the breakup with her boyfriend, but not dangerously so. I feel much better about her. I think the worst is behind her and now she’s on the upswing. Times like these I feel like I have dodged a bullet!
J also visited my parents yesterday. They asked how E, my other daughters life partner, was doing!!! This is HUGE!! My parents are racist and homophobic, so this was a big deal. My parents are stuck in the mindset of their generation, and it is hard for them. They are really trying to show support, and I love them for that. I knew my dad would be okay, but my mom…well, she is very judgmental. She and I still have issues, but she loves me and my kids.
Now that the crisis is over, I guess I can go back to contemplating life…

image