Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Peace December 25, 2013

I know that it is difficult for many to make it through this time of year (myself included). Just know that you are not alone in your feelings, and that there is a brighter and better tomorrow. Take a deep breathe and take it one moment at a time. If being around relatives is difficult, just remember: YOU control how you feel. Do not give others that power. Do not allow yourself to fall into the trap of being reactive.

If you are alone (not by choice) try volunteering at a soup kitchen or shelter. You will be lifted by what your kindness can do for others.

I wish you all peace, love, and joy this holiday season.

 

Seasonal Songs..Uncut December 6, 2013

Somehow I think that some lyrics of many famous Christmas songs are not as well-known as others.

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Let’s sing some now, shall we?

Deck the Halls: Uncut

Deck the halls with tacky bling bling

fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

I wrote this song for you to sing sing,

fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

Now we drink with merry pleasure

While we laugh ’bout nasty weather

fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.

 

Or how about this one?

 

Oh, Christmas Tree: Uncut

Oh Christmas tree

Oh Christmas tree,

Your tackiness delights us.

Oh Christmas tree

Oh Christmas tree,

Your tackiness delights us.

Your costly lights oh how they shine

I cannot pay that bill of mine!

Oh Christmas tree

Oh Christmas tree,

Your tackiness delights us.

Or this classic:

 

Up On the Housetop: Uncut

Up on the housetop,

reindeer slide

tired of pulling a fat man’s ride

Huffing and puffing and needing a break

Wishing he had  eaten one less steak.

 

 

The Tree Got Decorated, but Not According to Planned December 1, 2013

English: A bauble on a Christmas tree.

English: A bauble on a Christmas tree. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Like most things in my life lately, today did not go as planned.

We planned on going through all the many boxes of Christmas decorations and throwing out the junk and taking what we didn’t want to the secondhand store. We planned to decorate the tree this morning. It did get decorated…eventually.

My daughter S and her partner E came over early this morning and brought us breakfast. J got up feeling grumpy, but she seemed to shake it off. We ate and started making plans to decorate. J got upset and reminded us that she was going to church with a friend. We promised we would wait until she returned.

J has struggled a lot lately with bipolar, thyroid problems, and OCD. We are not a family that attends church, but J talked to a good friend who told her to come to her church and attend counseling with the preacher. I am not fond of this idea for several reasons, but I will save that for another post. However I kept my reservations to myself and wished her well.

She didn’t return until 2:00. She said it was great and she seemed happy. We pulled out all the boxes we needed and spread everything out in the living room. The dogs (4 of them) had played outside all day and managed to get all 16 paws filthy! S asked her sister a simple question. Nothing major; just a question.

“Are there still dishes in the sink?” (She wanted to wash paws before allowing the dogs to come in the house).

For some reason, this question from her sister sent J over the edge. She yelled at S and told her to “get off her back” and said she “couldn’t handle this right now.” She then stormed off to her room.

S looked at me and said, “I just asked her a simple question.” J SCREAMED “I can hear you, you know!” So S went to her room and tried to talk to her. She calmly told her that she just asked about the sink because the dogs needed to be cleaned, and that we had waited all day for her to help us decorate the tree, and we would really like her to join us. (S has learned how to talk to J when she gets like this from years of experience.)

S came out but J stayed in her room. We went through the motions of getting the boxes open to begin sorting, but to be honest I was in a daze and don’t really know what we were doing. After a few minutes, J comes out of her room with her keys in her  hand. I tried talking to her but she ignored me and walked past and out the door. I went after her, but she was already in the car. I told her to hand me her keys but she refused. I was so scared she would drive off and hurt herself! By this time hubs came out to help me. I kept asking and she kept refusing. I suddenly felt overwhelmingly tired to my very core. I looked at hubs and told him I couldn’t do this and walked away. He took the keys from her. As I reached the house I heard her scream “THEN I WILL WALK!” as she slammed her car door.

J began walking down the road. Barefoot. I don’t know what was going on in her head, and she doesn’t remember. She didn’t go far before she turned around and came back to the yard. She sat right in the ditch. Hubs walked out to her and it was as if she were coming out of some sort of fugue. She started crying hysterically and asking, “Why am I in the ditch? What happened?” He led her back to me.

We calmed her down. Then we decorated the tree.

 

 

Finding the Happy Middle

We did it. We went, we ate, we talked, and we made it out: alive and still friendly with all family members. Thanksgiving 2013: conquered.

On to Christmas. Tis the season to be jolly….to overspend on crap we don’t need…to eat until we gain weight… That is how it has felt for me the last few years.  But this year, it feels different. Not the way it was when my daughters were young, and everything was over the top. I seem to have found my Christmas spirit for the first time in a few years. I’m actually putting up a tree and a few decorations. Keep in mind, prior to 5 years ago, my house was the glow you could see on the horizon. Every bush and every tree sparkled and glowed. Icicles glimmered from the roof line, and trees peeked from every window. Then my spirit abandoned me. I didn’t even want a tree, and buying gifts was a chore.

I seem to have found a  happy middle. I’m kind of liking this.

 

It is Tomorrow December 26, 2012

It is tomorrow. We made it through the night and into a new day. J called her Doctor and made an appointment for her first intensive therapy session. I am proud of her for being so brave, because this has to be so scary for her.

I am just glad the holidays are over. Putting on a brave face and faking any degree of normalcy is so incredibly hard! I did (based on some advice from friend here on WP) keep everything very low-key; few decorations, few presents (gift bags only; no wrapping), little cooking, and little interaction with extended family. I still feel as though I am in a dense fog and I still feel dead inside. I did cry  yesterday, so I guess that is something.

It is hard to live with someone who has no understanding or tolerance for my moods or what J deals with daily. I’ve given up explaining my dark moods to him; as far as he is concerned, I am feeling “sick”. I don’t have the strength to explain or defend how I feel emotionally. All I want to do right now is sleep, write, or zone out. So that is what I will do.

At least the dogs understand; they sense my moods and have curled up here beside me.

Fog

 

Christmas Pictures December 24, 2012

SparkleMay you see the beauty and the sparkle,

Surprise

have a sweet, sweet surprise,

Polar Bear and Pup

enjoy a meaningful moment with someone you love,

AND…

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Enjoy a laugh or two.

XOXOXO

 

My Humor is Back…Because Without it, I Have Nothing! December 22, 2012

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Bahaha! Reminds me of a scene from the movie “Elf” when Elf asks the man if Santa knew he left the North Pole!

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That’s right! We handle shit these days!

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He says with mock disdain…

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Yes, having a bit of that magical substance right now!

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Another episode of Wild Kingdom

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Must have been looking at her Facebook page again!

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Le Clown as a child, perhaps?!

 

The Simple Truth December 16, 2012

Copy of Original illustration from "A Chr...

Copy of Original illustration from “A Christmas Carol” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve watched Christmas shows on TV today to get myself more in the spirit of the season. It has helped somewhat because I love the old cheesy shows and they have played all day.

Right now I am watching the newest version of  “A Christmas Carol”. You know, the story about Scrooge and the three ghosts who come to visit him in the night? The one that is some creepy shit for kids to watch? Yeah, that one! Anyway, as I see Scrooge escorted around by first one weird ghost and then another, dropping in to eavesdrop on various people in his life, it made me start to think. (Dangerous, I know).

What if we could do that? I mean, what if we could really see what people thought and said about us? Think how life-changing that would be! Sure, feelings would be hurt and friendships would be over, but think how freeing it would be to be truthful.

What would it be like to live without the niceties of society? No more “Politically Correct” words, just the unvarnished truth. If you didn’t like someone, you wouldn’t have to pretend to like them.  you could surround yourself with people you truly cared about. You wouldn’t have to wonder what someone thought of you, because you would KNOW!

I realize I am taking a very simplistic view of something that is NOT simple, but the idea of living with the TRUTH is so refreshing!

 

Depression, The Emotion of Christmas December 15, 2012

An artificial fiber optic Christmas tree

An artificial fiber optic Christmas tree (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

(To the tune of Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer)

You know Happy, and Sorrow,

and Joyful, and Angry,

Blissful, and Manic, and Smiling, and Crying,

but do you recall…

the most famous

seasonal feeling of all?

Depression, the Emotion of Christmas,

had a very black-hearted soul

and if you ever saw it

you would say it’s black as coal.

All of the other Emotions

used to cry and run away

they never liked Depression

because he took their joy away.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve

Santa came to say,

“Depression with your soul so black,

Won’t you leave and never come back?”

Then how the Emotions joined in

pushing Depression out the door

they all shouted “Hallelujah!

We’ll never see you anymore!”

Merry Christmas to all! ❤

 

The Perfect Christmas Tree December 6, 2012

He stood outside the window and admired the twinkling lights and shiny decorations that adorned the tree. The brightly colored lights flashed on and off and cast reflections of green, red, blue, and yellow against the dark green evergreen branches. The boy loved that the tree was real, not one of the fake ones he saw in all the stores. The branches displayed a variety of ornaments, all unique and unmatched. That’s the way it should be, he thought. A Christmas tree holds memories of all Christmas’ past, with new memories added each year. This tree was the definitely the best

English: A Christmas Tree at Home

English: A Christmas Tree at Home (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

tree ever.

His eyes drifted from the tree to the presents beneath. His breath caught in his throat as he imagined ripping into the packages in the early hours of Christmas morning, with his mom and dad looking on with sleepy eyes and faint smiles. I wonder what is in the big one in the back, he thought. Perhaps it’s a football. Maybe it is a pair of cool tennis shoes. His mind began to reel with the idea of the many things it might be, and how it would feel to rip open the box.

“What the hell are you doing, boy?” Startled from his thoughts, he looked up to see an angry middle-aged man bearing down on him. The boy felt rooted to the ground where he stood outside.

“Planning on stealing from me? Hell no, you will not! I will teach you a lesson you will never forget!” The man stepped from the door and marched toward him. In his hand he held a wooden baseball bat. That sight motivated the boy to move. He took off running in the opposite direction of the threatening man. Never daring to look back, he ran down the middle of the road without stopping until his sides ached and felt ready to split open. Only then did he look back and finally stop. Tears were streaming down his face as he gulped in the cold air. The boy leaned against the lamppost until his breathing returned to normal. He continued walking slowly down the street until he could see the neon lights of the burger restaurant glowing in the distance. Right before the parking lot of the restaurant he looked around to make sure no one saw him before he ducked underneath the rusting chain length fence that surrounded a dilapidated building. The building used to be a factory. Now it was his home.

When he stepped inside the dank building he heard his mom right before her hand came down across his face.

“Where you been?” she hissed through clenched lips. “I been worried sick about you!” The boy hung his head and didn’t even try to explain. How do you say that you were standing in someone’s front yard, wishing and dreaming that you could be someone, anyone, other than who you are?

Just as quickly as she slapped him, his mother grabbed him and held him tightly in a hug. “I jus’ worry ’bout you, you know? Anyway, I found some pretty good leftovers next door. Let’s go have some supper.” The boy untangled from her hug and walked deeper into the building. It was time for supper.