Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Shattered May 24, 2014

When she goes off the deep end, I break inside. Every tiny little piece of carefully built hope shatters.

I live every single day with fear, hope, and dread. Fear of what she will do, fear of the unknown horrors the day may bring. Hope that we will both come through this day unscathed. I live with dread. Dread invades me with every text or call. But I also live with happiness. Happiness fills my heart and soul when we roll through problems and make it to the other side. I’m happy when the day goes well.

She started drinking again; binge drinking alone in her room. I suspected it, but had not confronted her. I called her at 3 in the afternoon because I needed her to meet me somewhere. She had to admit to me that she couldn’t because she was drunk. (She just got off work at 2:45.) I couldn’t help myself; I was filled with rage. I didn’t let it out at her though; I simple made a statement that she was drinking a lot lately and then said I’d talk to her later and hung up.

She, of course, could not let it go. Text and phone calls began…”Are you upset?” “Are you mad at me?” I tried to ignore, but I finally answered the phone. I didn’t let it all fly, but I told her the truth…I am angry. I am angry because you are choosing an old crutch…drinking..that I thought we’d conquered in the past. I said I wish she would learn how to live through the tough times in life without using a crutch that made things worse.  She got very mad at me and said I was being mean and I had no right to be mad at her because she wasn’t doing anything to me and why did I say these things to her? I reminded her that SHE called me, and I was trying to keep my distance until the anger passed. She hung up.

I was looking forward to this nice, 3-day weekend. In fact, I left work a little early yesterday so I could get home. Instead, I drove around for a while, did some shopping, did anything to avoid going home to her because I could feel the storm brewing.

We avoided one another at first. A couple of hours passed before she came at me, screaming, “Are you not going to talk to me?” I told her I was still angry, and felt it was better if we didn’t talk right then. She kept on. Usually I can remain in control of my emotions, but honestly I’m just tired. Work has been hard, living with her is always difficult, and I feel the tiredness like a disease deep in my soul. I tried to explain to her that I am allowed to have emotions, too, and I’m tired of holding them in because of her. I didn’t unleash the fury of what I felt, but she saw a peek. She turned it around on me and said I made her feel like crap for having addictions. That I was the only one she had to turn to (which is not true). I told her I couldn’t be her “only one” that sometimes I needed a break. She became furious and stormed out, got in her car, and left.

She began sending “I’m sorry” and “I just want to die” messages to her sister and a friend. I couldn’t even find the energy to be worried. Does this make me a horrible person? I didn’t really even get scared because it felt like another manipulation game. She was trying to punish me for being angry.

She eventually came home…after I gave in and played her game. “Please come home so I will know you are safe,” I wrote in a text. Her sister went out and found her and convinced her to go home.

We had an event that my daughters and I were to attend this morning. They went without me. I just don’t want to be around her, or the world right now. She is fine today, happy and having fun. Me? I’m tired. I’m shattered. I’ll be here alone, trying to put the pieces beck together so I can make it through the next storm.

 

Advertisements
 

The Tree Got Decorated, but Not According to Planned December 1, 2013

English: A bauble on a Christmas tree.

English: A bauble on a Christmas tree. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Like most things in my life lately, today did not go as planned.

We planned on going through all the many boxes of Christmas decorations and throwing out the junk and taking what we didn’t want to the secondhand store. We planned to decorate the tree this morning. It did get decorated…eventually.

My daughter S and her partner E came over early this morning and brought us breakfast. J got up feeling grumpy, but she seemed to shake it off. We ate and started making plans to decorate. J got upset and reminded us that she was going to church with a friend. We promised we would wait until she returned.

J has struggled a lot lately with bipolar, thyroid problems, and OCD. We are not a family that attends church, but J talked to a good friend who told her to come to her church and attend counseling with the preacher. I am not fond of this idea for several reasons, but I will save that for another post. However I kept my reservations to myself and wished her well.

She didn’t return until 2:00. She said it was great and she seemed happy. We pulled out all the boxes we needed and spread everything out in the living room. The dogs (4 of them) had played outside all day and managed to get all 16 paws filthy! S asked her sister a simple question. Nothing major; just a question.

“Are there still dishes in the sink?” (She wanted to wash paws before allowing the dogs to come in the house).

For some reason, this question from her sister sent J over the edge. She yelled at S and told her to “get off her back” and said she “couldn’t handle this right now.” She then stormed off to her room.

S looked at me and said, “I just asked her a simple question.” J SCREAMED “I can hear you, you know!” So S went to her room and tried to talk to her. She calmly told her that she just asked about the sink because the dogs needed to be cleaned, and that we had waited all day for her to help us decorate the tree, and we would really like her to join us. (S has learned how to talk to J when she gets like this from years of experience.)

S came out but J stayed in her room. We went through the motions of getting the boxes open to begin sorting, but to be honest I was in a daze and don’t really know what we were doing. After a few minutes, J comes out of her room with her keys in her  hand. I tried talking to her but she ignored me and walked past and out the door. I went after her, but she was already in the car. I told her to hand me her keys but she refused. I was so scared she would drive off and hurt herself! By this time hubs came out to help me. I kept asking and she kept refusing. I suddenly felt overwhelmingly tired to my very core. I looked at hubs and told him I couldn’t do this and walked away. He took the keys from her. As I reached the house I heard her scream “THEN I WILL WALK!” as she slammed her car door.

J began walking down the road. Barefoot. I don’t know what was going on in her head, and she doesn’t remember. She didn’t go far before she turned around and came back to the yard. She sat right in the ditch. Hubs walked out to her and it was as if she were coming out of some sort of fugue. She started crying hysterically and asking, “Why am I in the ditch? What happened?” He led her back to me.

We calmed her down. Then we decorated the tree.

 

 

Despair November 27, 2013

Filed under: about me,all — rainey46 @ 12:57 pm
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I feel a depth of despair that makes me physically have pain in my chest. J took 5 Xanax last night with a half a bottle of rum. She also informed me that she has drunk almost nightly to quiet the voices in her head.

Her doctor is at a loss about what to do. Her thyroid is messed up from the medicine she has tried for bipolar/OCD. The medicine for the thyroid causes horrible side effects. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, seems to work for long, and if it does, she develops side effects that are so bad she has to stop taking the original medicine.

I feel selfish. I want to run far, far away and never come back. I want to kick her out of my house so that I can have a normal life for at least a few years before I die. I want to leave her, him, and everyone else I know and drive off, never looking back.

Instead, I will continue to cry myself to sleep at night while hubs stays up to avoid seeing me like this. I will continue to fill my days with meaningless words and motions while I dream of better things.

 

We All Touch Lives October 16, 2013

Life is pretty incredible. I received this from a former student. It is a rough draft of an essay she is writing…about me. I’m not publishing this to toot my horn, but to encourage you all to see that each one of us touches the lives of others in some way. We may never know just what we mean to someone else.

My Hero

My hero is my 5th grade teacher, Mrs.R.  I consider her my hero because she is a hardworking, intelligent, loyal lady.  She has helped many people in her life, not just through school, but also through life.  I still stay in contact with her.  I go to see her, call her, and text her.  I look up to her not only as a role model, but also as a motherly figure.  She’s one of the people who inspired me to become a teacher.  I want to touch people like she’s done for me.  Mrs. R is someone who I could run away from home and go to without getting in trouble.  Some girls go to their best friends for everything, but I go to Mrs. R.

            Mrs. R is a hard-working woman.  I would go over her house on a school night, have her help me with my homework, while she’s grading papers.  When I was in 5th grade, she taught science, social studies, and coached the Science Olympiad team.  On top of that, she ran a tutoring business, did her school work, and had a family to take care of at home.    Mrs. R was an elementary school teacher for 15 years.  While she was a teacher, she earned two teacher of the year awards.  She is now a literacy coach at an elementary school.  In her free time, she loves to paint.  When she retires, she plans to stay home and paint.

            Mrs. R is one the most intelligent people I know.  She originally went to beauty school. She dropped out and went college to major in education.  She attended  University until she found out she was pregnant with her oldest daughter.  She then took a 6 year break and took night classes at University.  She has helped me throughout school since 5th grade.  When she was running the tutoring business, she helped kids that were taking college courses.  I had trouble all throughout my years of any science class I’ve had.  Mrs. R helped me through them.  It’s not what she teaches, but how she teaches it.

            I would consider Mrs. R a loyal person because she gives up her own time to stay at her school late and do extra work.  She gave up her time to tutor kids on her time.  She’s never left a child on anything, whether it’s a problem, homework, or if they don’t have ride.  She always goes above and beyond the call of duty.  She’s given up her free time to help me on assignments at her house.  She could be painting or anything otherwise than helping me, but she chooses to because she won’t leave a child that needs help behind.

            As of today, she still continues to inspire children and touch them.  She works to push children up to their ability.  Right now, she’s probably touching a child like she has done to me.  Mrs. R is working to make a change in a child’s life.  She once told me that if she changes at least one child’s life, she’s doing her job right.  In my opinion, she’s going way above doing her job right.

 

Now What Do I Do? July 7, 2013

Just when I thought things might be getting back to normal, more shit hits the fan.

J has acted weird for a few days now, but today is really bad.  She spent the night with a friend last night and came in this morning. I could tell something was wrong. When I asked, she would only say she was having a rough time. I didn’t press, because that’s the way we are; we give each other space.

She stayed in her room all day, only coming out to eat. She looks and acts like a zombie. I asked her if I needed to be concerned, and she said no. I let it go. Later her sister, S, came by and I asked her to check on her. She said J was having terrible OCD issues. She thinks if she comes out of her room too many times something bad will happen.

OCD is not new, but this extent is. She has very mild OCD, such as rinsing a glass 4 times before filling it with water. As I said, nothing severe. Now, for no reason I can understand, she cannot leave her room.

So now what do I do?

 

 

Sunday Morning Update on the Family May 26, 2013

Happy Sunday morning! It is early morning here as I sit on the porch and drink my second cup of coffee. It’s a “linger and take small sips” kinda morning. The sun is shining but there is a cool crispness in the air. I hear the crow of the neighborhood rooster in the distance. He seems to insist for you to get up and start the day. A morning dove calls her lonely song out and other birds chirp “good mornings”.

I love that it is never quiet in the early morning hours. The sounds of nature put me at ease.

I haven’t done an update on my life in a while, so….

I’ve dealt with much anxiety in the past month, mostly over things of my own doing. <Heavy sigh.> Will I ever be able to stop making my own life hard? On a better note, school is out in 2 weeks and I will be home for a little while. I’m excited to have time to get a few things done for me. I’m no longer waiting for Hubs to do things, because it never happens. So, I will do it myself.

I’m not a church goer, so I will spend my day doing all those things that don’t get done during the workweek. Also, I don’t think I shared some wonderful news: my daughter S and her partner E just bought a house! It’s a cute old  house in the historic section of town. We are busy helping them move this weekend. It fills my heart with joy to see her so happy taking this step. To think she is only 24! She is so traditional in everything she does (except of course she happens to be gay.) I hope the wanderlust that plagues me never gets into her heart.

I also have exciting news about J (my daughter who has an eating disorder, bipolar, and anxiety issues). SHE STARTED BACK TO COLLAGE! She took the steps she needed to do to get financial aid and sign up for the courses she needs. The classes are online and she started this week. She has made an “A” on every assignment so far! I am so proud of her for doing this. She’s dealt with some strong anxiety in the process, but she did it.

My heart is full of pride and happiness for both of my girls.

 

 

Firsts May 11, 2013

It takes guts to try something you’ve never done before. When I think back to many “firsts” in my life, I can still feel the butterflies in the pit of my stomach.

 

My first bicycle ride without training wheels: My sweaty palms gripped the handlebars of my banana seat Schwinn as I pushed off the pavement in my sneakers. My dad had his hand firmly on the sissy bar, so I started off well. The moment I sensed his hand let go I began to wobble. The front wheel jerked back and forth as though it were having a seizure, and my heart nearly pounded out of my chest. I had no control over the direction it took and in seconds the row of mailboxes loomed in front of me. I heard screams of “Hit the brake” but my legs were frozen and unable to respond. CRASH! My first ride ended in tears and bandages. Learning to ride was put off until I could lick my wounds and heal my pride.

 

My first time teaching my own class: I am not going to lie; the first day I was alone in my classroom I cried with joy. It took me seven long years to get my teaching degree, and it was the hardest thing I ever accomplished. I was proud and overwhelmed to finally be there, in MY classroom. Nerves drove me to dive in and prepare the bare room for my 24 students. Books were labeled, shelves were filled, and bright bulletin boards were assembled while the butterflies danced so hard in my stomach that I couldn’t even eat. I bet I rearranged 50 times before the first day of school! When my students walked in on that first day, all my nervousness disappeared. I knew I was right where I belonged. I stepped to the front of the class and began teaching.

 

My first pregnancy: Unless you have experienced this firsthand, you can only try to imagine. Having a life, a real, tiny human, growing inside of you is beyond anything else in this world. My nerves were at times so bad I would shake. Other times I felt confident that I would be a good mother. As my belly grew, I became more afraid. I was terrified I would do something that would damage this wondrous little piece of perfection. After giving birth, I held my body so tightly clenched the nurse kept telling me to relax. It was weeks before I finally gained some confidence and began to enjoy my baby girl.

 

Firsts can be scary, but trying new things or doing something for the very first time makes you feel more alive. Even if you fail, you gain from the experience of trying. I haven’t had any firsts or new things in a while, so maybe that’s what I need. I need to find a good, worthwhile “first” to try. It’s time to shake things up…

 

English: A Schwinn banana seat with sissy bar,...

English: A Schwinn banana seat with sissy bar, bobbed fender, and slick, square-profile tire, on a bicycle. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)