Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Never As It Seems July 6, 2013

Filed under: all,Poems,poetry — rainey46 @ 1:50 pm
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When she was only a little bitty girl

she ran away from the cold, cruel world

she just lived in her head, inside her dreams

where everything was just as it seems.

 

When she awoke she paid the price

nothing was real; nothing was nice

so she just lived in her head, inside her dreams

where everything was just as it seems.

 

Time went by and she grew up

she ate from his spoon and drank from his cup

but she just lived in her head, inside her dreams

where everything was just as it seems.

 

She grew tired of living and made up her mind

this life was over, she’d leave it behind,

she only lived in her head, inside her dreams

where everything was just as it seems.

 

She bought the gun out on the street

drank up some courage, settled in her seat

she was tired of living  in her head, inside her dreams

where everything was just as it seems.

 

He came through her door and saw the gun

he looked her in the eyes and didn’t even run

She stopped living in her head, inside her dreams

where everything was never as it seems.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Life is So Hard and He Said Hello June 3, 2013

WHY? WHY? WHY? Why does life have to be so hard for her? Why does she feel so much pain all the time? I don’t understand how these things keep happening to her, when she is such a good, decent person.

J had a terrible weekend. She has been cycling badly for days now. Her psychiatrist is out-of-town, and she will not see anyone else. Then Sunday, she went to the grocery store. Guess who she ran into? Yep, the rapist. AND HE SAID HELLO LIKE IT WAS ANY NORMAL DAY. She said she felt like vomiting.

Today her work called me. J had a seizure and the ambulance took her to the emergency room.

Turns out it was not a real epileptic seizure, but a pseudo-seizure brought on by stress. I’m sure it felt real enough to her.

Stress is a terrible, horrible monster. Trust me, I know.

 

Sunday Morning Update on the Family May 26, 2013

Happy Sunday morning! It is early morning here as I sit on the porch and drink my second cup of coffee. It’s a “linger and take small sips” kinda morning. The sun is shining but there is a cool crispness in the air. I hear the crow of the neighborhood rooster in the distance. He seems to insist for you to get up and start the day. A morning dove calls her lonely song out and other birds chirp “good mornings”.

I love that it is never quiet in the early morning hours. The sounds of nature put me at ease.

I haven’t done an update on my life in a while, so….

I’ve dealt with much anxiety in the past month, mostly over things of my own doing. <Heavy sigh.> Will I ever be able to stop making my own life hard? On a better note, school is out in 2 weeks and I will be home for a little while. I’m excited to have time to get a few things done for me. I’m no longer waiting for Hubs to do things, because it never happens. So, I will do it myself.

I’m not a church goer, so I will spend my day doing all those things that don’t get done during the workweek. Also, I don’t think I shared some wonderful news: my daughter S and her partner E just bought a house! It’s a cute old  house in the historic section of town. We are busy helping them move this weekend. It fills my heart with joy to see her so happy taking this step. To think she is only 24! She is so traditional in everything she does (except of course she happens to be gay.) I hope the wanderlust that plagues me never gets into her heart.

I also have exciting news about J (my daughter who has an eating disorder, bipolar, and anxiety issues). SHE STARTED BACK TO COLLAGE! She took the steps she needed to do to get financial aid and sign up for the courses she needs. The classes are online and she started this week. She has made an “A” on every assignment so far! I am so proud of her for doing this. She’s dealt with some strong anxiety in the process, but she did it.

My heart is full of pride and happiness for both of my girls.

 

 

I Saw A Moment in Life April 7, 2013

I saw a small child unknowingly

drop a beloved stuffed dog

as his mother pushed the stroller

hurriedly, distractedly,

throughout the store.

I saw an elderly man

grunting, with great effort,

stoop to retrieve the ragged mutt

calling out in a deep, trembling voice

unheard and overlooked.

I saw the elderly gentleman

clutching the symbol of comfort

lurching with a slow

and painful gait,

follow the sound of crying.

I saw the distraught mother

desperately searching for a beloved toy

maternally knowing the significance

of the ‘Made in China’  item

to her much-loved child.

I saw the old man gasping for breath

quietly reach out a shaking hand

silencing the child with the gift

the mother’s face filling with relief

as her child felt safe once more.

I saw time stand still

and as a small incident in life

unfolded before me, I realized

there is a goodness in all

the little moments of life.

 

A Reason to Put on a Bra February 24, 2013

Damn. I have to go out today, so I must put on real pants. And a bra. AND SHOES! Oh, well. It’s for a great reason. My youngest daughter, S (not the one with bipolar) and her life partner, E, are buying a house.

S is only 24 years old and she is buying a house! That is pretty incredible to me. She has always been one to go after what she wants. In school, she was driven to get terrific grades and take all the hardest classes. She graduated in the top 10% of her class, but still managed to play sports and maintain a good relationship with her group of friends. The one thing she did not do is have a boyfriend or girlfriend. She always said she was too busy to date, and that the boys were too immature. After high school, she went away to college for a year and hated it. S never got into partying and chasing boys, so she didn’t fit in. She toughed it out for a year then came home to attend community college. She graduated with a degree in the health field and makes more money than I do!

During this time, S worked a part-time job and lived with a roommate in a small house nearby. She came to me one day and, with tears in her eyes, told me she was bisexual. My sweet girl was worried about telling us, but I think I knew before she did! It wasn’t long after that when she met E.

Our state does not recognize same-sex marriages, but they have exchanged rings and consider themselves married. Now, here we are, about to see the house they want to buy.

Life is funny, you know? You can dream and imagine what you think you want in life, or how you think your life might be, but seldom will you be right. I never thought I would be the mother to two incredible girls who grew to be such wonderful, yet diverse, women. One battles daily hardships that would make most people crumble, and yet she forges on. The other sees what she wants in life and goes for it, against all odds.

It’s a great feeling to know that I, with all the baggage and problems I have, still managed to raise and mold such terrific humans. There might be hope, after all. And I guess that is a good reason to put on a bra and even shoes.

 

 

Too Much Suffering February 20, 2013

She is running. J is never home these days, and when she is it is not for long. She is frantic. Her speech is like verbal garbage falling from her mouth. Her eyes are huge and she barely blinks. She is the walking poster child for mania.

It doesn’t help that she just got paid and her tax money is due any time now. For J, money and mania is as deadly as drinking and driving. I’ve talked to her already and she sees the signs. But how do you pull back? How do you stop the freight train that is flying down the track without any brakes? The doctors never really answer that question. How do I sit and watch the accident unfold? All I can do is warn her, but when she is in this state it doesn’t stop until…well, you know.

Depression. The evil twin of mania. It will slow her speech, stop her traveling, and halt her spending. Each time, I pray it doesn’t take her life. And, if I am being truthful, I pray it doesn’t take my life. Every time I watch her go through this, I die. I rage against a God, or Gods, or just the fucking universe, for doing this to her. Yeah, I’ve heard it before: there is a reason for everything. I have to say, I don’t see a reason for this suffering she must endure. I don’t want to know that there is an all-powerful BEING who would allow the agony I have witnessed. For that matter, what type of glorious  GOD would allow me to be molested at the age of four? Or gang raped as a teenager?

Sorry, I got carried away. I’ve seen too much suffering lately. I sat in the hallway today as a nine-year old described her home life. She lives with eleven other people, all but one older than she. They make her fist fight her eight-year old brother because they think it is funny. She had a busted lip. I’m pretty sure she’s been molested, but I cannot get her to admit it yet. Another child was so hungry he was literally shoving food into his mouth like some sort of caveman. This was on Tuesday, right after we returned from a three-day weekend. I wonder if he had eaten at all since school on Friday.

There is so much pain with our young people. They don’t deserve this kind of life. My daughter is a good, decent person. She doesn’t deserve the pain she deals with every day. The children I see at school are too young to deal with the adult issues they must deal with daily.

My heart hurts today. I’m having trouble seeing the beauty in this world when all I see is immense pain and suffering of our children.

 

Making Progress February 7, 2013

J came home after her therapy last night and sat and talked with me about it. Sometimes she talks, but most often she goes to her room. I don’t take offense; when she needs to share, I listen. When she doesn’t, I understand. I know this is hard for her.

So last night was a share night. She said her therapist was proud of the rage she was feeling and said she was making great progress. Before, when J got angry she would not direct it at the appropriate source. Instead, she turned it inward. He said it was great that she was directing it outward, and that they would work on releasing it in a healthy way. I feel like this is great news! There is a slight difference in the way she holds herself now. It’s almost like I can see the woman she was meant to be finally emerging. I watched that happen with S, her younger sister, already. It feels so good to see her begin to grow again. Usually it is one step forward, two steps back….this seems to be TWO steps forward….and it is nice.