Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

What’s Greater Than Overwhelmed? August 16, 2012

Or maybe due to being completely overwhelmed!

What’s greater than overwhelmed? Is there even a word to describe how I feel right now? I am so far in over my head I cannot even see the tunnel, let alone the light at the end of the tunnel.

The past couple of weeks I have prepared for my new job. I have been in one training session after another with more and more new information poured on top of the packing, unpacking, sorting and tossing I must do. My hand aches from the copious amount of notes I am writing; this is far worse than earning the college degree I possess. There are not enough hours in the day to complete the work that’s needed to get ready for this job. Am I whining right now? Hell yes! Am I doubting my decision to take this job? Unbelievably so! I cry every day on my drive home and when I take a shower. How stupid was I to think I would like this job, or even DO this job?

I will, however, give it a year. I can survive a year (I think). It will take that long for me to truly see if I can do this. If not, I will not consider it a failure; I will simply know this is not for me and view it as a learning experience.

Tomorrow is the official first day. I’m too tired to be nervous. Right now, I am too exhausted to think; all I can do is breathe.


After the Job Training August 8, 2012

Thank you to everyone who wished me luck and sent good thoughts my way! I really appreciate it!

Well….(drum roll, please)…Today went fine. I had an all day training session for my new job and I was nervous about it and about my new job that starts August 17. (I wrote a post about it this morning). All in all, I feel better. I’m NOT the only one who feels lost and overwhelmed; others taking the training today felt the same way.

The scariest part of my job is not knowing exactly what is to be done. I like to know exactly what is to be done, but this job is a little different because I will wear many “hats”. I’m a liaison person; I will be helping various groups of people and bridging the gap between them and the bosses. There are several components to the job, and I will need to address the needs of my people as I see fit. Sometimes I will be training groups of people in new procedures. At times I have to model correct techniques because I am now considered the “expert”. That’s damn scary! I have never felt like an expert at anything I do!

At least the training gave me some ideas of what I am to do. Now, I have my new planner to fill out with all the upcoming meetings and training sessions I have…starting with “Training: Day 2 tomorrow”…

Hope you all, my dear friends, have a great day!


I Will Not be Seen on Hoarders August 6, 2012

Closet #2

Closet #2 (Photo credit: lonecellotheory)

Today I felt completely overwhelmed. I decided to go work a little in my office at my new job (it officially starts August 17). I have stacks of  papers, books, and other materials left by the former employee that I am responsible for sorting and organizing. My job is to have it ready for the other employees as they need it. It was a total mess! The previous employee became sick and had been out for almost a year, and it was obvious that others had come and borrowed materials, never bothering to return things to its proper place. Plus, I had my boxes from my last job in storage that I had to move to my new office. Right now the room looks like an episode of “Hoarders” gone wild!

What I wanted to do is sit down and cry. Since that would only serve to make the books and papers damp (and who wants damp books and papers?) I decided to do the only thing I know to do: take pictures and plan. First, I moved everything that I needed into the room. As I did, I grouped like objects together. I then grabbed my camera and took pictures of every stack and every piece of furniture. I made sure to include pictures of the walls and built-in cabinets as well. After taking the pictures, I turned out the light and walked out. Being there without a plan made me anxious and I knew I would not be productive.

Now that I am home, I can use the pictures to figure out the best way to organize the piles of materials. I feel much calmer now that I have a plan of action!

Oh, also, I did something else productive yesterday….I completly cleaned and organized my walk-in closet (Which, by the way, WOULD have qualified me for “Hoarders”).  Yea, me! It feels so good to have that done. I threw out tons of stuff I haven’t worn in years, and I have a huge pile to give to charity. I like things clean and well-organized, so this makes me feel very happy!

I feel quite productive right now! If only I had money, I could go buy clothes to put in that almost empty closet…


Saturday Funnies August 4, 2012

Sneaky little kitty…

Oh, sexy!

Even animals judge!

What a welcome to the world!


Getting older can be tough…


Take a Trip with Me! August 2, 2012

Let’s go to the beach, shall we?

You feel the warm breathe of the ocean breeze on your face. When you remove your shoes your toes wiggle and sink into the rough grains of loose sand. Some of the sand clings to your feet as you walk the path between the dunes. The sea grass sways as you stroll by, each one bowing its head as if in honor of your passing through.

As you hike closer to the top of the dunes, you hear the crashing of the ocean as it pounds the sand. The smell of salt infuses your nose and the taste creeps into your mouth as you lick your lips. The sun heats your skin and  you begin to glisten.  You anticipate the refreshing splash of water you soon will feel.

At the top of the dune,  you pause. Stretched out in front of you is the glorious ocean. It swallows the horizon and eats away at the beach. The water is a mix of grays, blues and aquas that dance and play like lovers. White ridges rise to the top and ride the darker hues all the way to the sand, where it crashes into nothingness. You stand and stare in awe.

After gazing for a few more moments, you walk until the thick loose sand becomes flat and packed down by the receding surf. You deposit your blanket and slip off your shirt.  As though mesmerized, you walk straight toward the water. As  you approach, a small wave reaches out and touches your feet. The cool water makes you gasp, but the sun beating down makes it feel delicious. You continue. The next wave is not so gentle and as it slams against your knees you brace your legs for the impact. You feel the sand beneath your feet shift and slide away. A few more steps, and you are up to your thighs. You know the next wave, the one you see building in the distance, will be the one that takes you under. As the white caps rise to the top, forming a towering wall of water, you suck in your breath and close your eyes. The wave crashes over your head and envelopes you in salty coldness as it swirls around you. You rise up and gasp in air, preparing for the next wave.


A Blah Day July 28, 2012

Today is not a good day. No real reason; I just feel blah and on edge. I feel as though I will cry at any minute and for no reason. I guess it is just hormones  rearing their ugly little heads. I went outside and worked on my plants some, but that didn’t really help. I had to come in because P is about to cut grass and I am very allergic. If I had my way I would have a yard filled with trees, bushes, flowers, and plants without a blade of grass. I like a wild, natural look with one area of yard more organized with chairs, potted flowers and a fire pit.  At least I have my back porch.

There are many things I could be doing to get ready for going back to work, but I have no desire to work on any of that today. I listened to music and played with the dogs, but that didn’t even lift my spirits! I also don’t want to clean my house and wash clothes (both of which need to be done), go shopping (no money) or anything else! See  what I mean?  I just feel…blah. So what do you do on those days? How do you get yourself out of it?




Good Intentions July 24, 2012

Today started with good intentions, but…

It is disgustingly hot here today. I planned to clean house, work outside on my plants, then go to the back porch (my oasis) to complete some artwork I started earlier this week. I don’t mind the heat so much if I can dress for it (tank top, sports bra, shorts) and have access to water (in this case the sprinkler is the best I can do).

J got up in a pretty good mood with intentions of going grocery shopping, going to the gym, and later hanging out with friends. Within ten minutes her mood plunged and the negative talk started. (Weighing herself was the trigger). I tried reasoning, which I know from experience never works when her moods are like this (but I also feel the need to try for some reason). She them became combative (irritable) which brought out my combative side. I knew it would spiral into a huge argument, so I just told her she needed to call her doctor and work things out with him. She tried pushing my buttons…”I’m thinking of going off all my medicine”…”You don’t love me. I’m just in the way here.”…but I didn’t react. Inside, I was screaming, but I held it in.

I went to Wal-Mart for groceries since I knew she would not make it today. Twenty minutes later, I received a text: “I called the Dr. He can’t see me until tomorrow. I’m afraid to be alone because of what I might do.” A minute passed and I received this text: “I’m sorry I texted you. I know you are tired of me. ”  Thirty seconds later: “Please help me.” I left the ice cream melting in the cart.

I’m now home. J had nothing to say. She is  asleep on the couch and here I sit. I know sleeping is her escape, but at least she is not self-harming. And I will admit that I am glad she is asleep because it eases my burden. I feel like a horrible human and mother, but I cannot help her and I’m glad she is asleep. I’m thankful that I have peace, at least at this moment. When she awakens, I don’t know what to do or say. The well of wisdom is dry and I’m trying to hold my own head above water. How am I supposed to help her?

The horrible thing is she is not even in full-blown crisis. This is just how it is, day in and day out. They have adjusted her meds repeatedly. She and I are both in financial ruin due to the cost of the various medicines, psychiatrist, therapist, and other assorted doctors. If this continues, I will need to place her back in the hospital, and we still own them for the last time she was committed.

So much for good intentions.



The Creative Addiction June 28, 2012

One of many things on my list of things to do before my new job starts is clean my art studio. Yeah, art studio sounds fancy and professional, right? It’s really just my daughter’s, S, old bedroom converted into a craft room. It is a very small room and at the moment, beyond cluttered. It’s the room I shove everything that I’ve accumulated lately; it’s where I put stuff to do ‘later’.

It was once organized and a fun place to create. Now it just makes me shudder and close the door.

I woke up feeling the itch. If you are a creator, you know what I’m talking about. When the urge to paint, write, make jewelry, draw, or otherwise create hits me it’s like an addiction: I MUST have my fix! Today I knew I had to paint. After two cups of hot, black coffee surging through my body got me up and motivated, I stood in front of the studio door. I took a deep breath, opened the door, and stepped inside. I felt immediately overwhelmed. I panicked and closed the door. Maybe there was something else I could do.

Within fifteen minutes, I found myself back at the door. The urge was too strong, and I had to do something. I couldn’t tackle cleaning that room today, so I compromised. I gathered all my needed supplies and set up an outdoor studio on the back porch. It’s supposed to get blistering hot here today, but I dressed for the heat and set up fans.

Creating is such an important part of me. I hate that I deny myself that outlet just because I get busy or let life get in the way. My art is not great, but it’s part of me and that is enough.

I will post some pictures later. Right now, there is a paint brush and a certain shade of green that is calling me…

P.S. My friend Bird made me laugh today. She applied the recommended Links to her post and they were so random it was hilarious! So, from now on, I plan on applying all the recommended Links  and the Tags because it makes me laugh! Thanks for the idea, Bird!