Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Early Morning Aloneness February 10, 2013

I’m living in the moment and the moment is nice.

It’s early morning here, too early for ME to be up on a Sunday when I could sleep in. I  awake to the feel of Riley’s warm body pressed close  to me. I feel Sophie, his “lady” and my darling little girl, snuggled against my leg. Soft snores rise from hubs, and I am warm and cozy beneath my blanket. But, I am awake, and as often happens, nature calls. So I leave the comfort of my nest with my pups at my heels.

After a quick stop in the bathroom, we all three pad down the hall and into the kitchen. I turn on the day’s first pot of coffee and take the pups outside. Lucky for me, I have a fenced yard where they can roam freely. Sophie doesn’t like the cold and must be enticed to go out. I remain vigilant over my little man, so I stand on the back porch and shiver in the cold while he takes care of his business. A few minutes later we are all back in the warmth of the kitchen as I pour my first cup of steaming black coffee.

In the living room we settle into our normal positions: me, computer on my lap and mug in my hand, with Sophie curled on the arm of the love seat against my left side. Riley settles against my hip on the right. Today I feel his trembles. It is, I hope, a side effect of the new medication that will soon pass. He remains slightly disoriented and dazed, but seems fine otherwise. The medicine makes him drowsy, so he settles in for a snooze as I check my email and Facebook.

At 6:00 I disturb their slumber, but it is time for Riley’s medication. J forgot to buy canned dog food, so I get pieces of a hot dog. They each get two bites, Riley’s with his medication smuggled inside. The new pill is very large, so I watch to make sure it goes down. I write a note on the never-ending list on the notepad beside the refrigerator to remind myself to get the canned dog food. Breakfast is next, so I scoop two bowls of Pedigree’s finest into first one then the other bowl. Riley and Sophie sniff at each bowl and walk away, unimpressed. Riley walks into the living room and lifts his leg as he urinates on the blanket dangling from the ottoman. This is something he’s not done since being a young pup and I stare, momentarily shocked. When I move, it is to push, rather than spank, his hind quarters. He looks confused. I take him outside again, where he finishes his business. Back inside, he watches me closely as I scrub the ottoman and rug. He follows me as I toss the blanket into the washing machine and begin the first of many loads I need to complete today.

While up, I pour another mug of coffee. Back to the sofa, parade style, me in the lead and the two dogs following close behind. This time, Riley settles on the couch, choosing the end closest to me and he circles until it is just right. I hear a contented sigh as he relaxes again. Sophie waits patiently for me to get comfortable. I curl my legs up beneath me and place my computer lap-desk across my thighs. My coffee is within easy reach on the end table to my left. I pat the padded arm of the love seat to let Sophie know I am ready, and she leaps into her position and settles in.

I can see the kitchen window from my position here on the love seat and the day is brightening. Soon, the others in my home will wake up and join me, but for now, I am content in the comfort of my early morning aloneness.

Spread Your Wings and Fly

 

Because I Cannot Cry in the Shower, I Wallow in Self-Pity December 22, 2012

I feel like I have a hangover, but I didn’t drink. Is it possible to have some sort of post traumatic response to difficult life events? I am having difficulty doing even the most simple tasks. I feel like I am in a fog of sorts. What is happening?

Every time J tries to kill herself, or does something equally harmful to herself or those who love her, I react during the event with nerves of steel. Nothing she says or does phases me. I am grace under fire. The first few events, I fell apart as soon as it was determined that she would be okay. I would take a shower and sob until my body ran out of tears and the shower ran out of hot water. Then, after many times of crisis, I stopped crying in the shower. I went into robot mode. I continued going through the motions of showering, working, and living. Inside I was numb and cold. I didn’t mean to stop feeling, it just happened. I still stood in the shower and waited for the tears, even tried to make them happen, but they didn’t. Meanwhile, J made it through the trauma and bounced back to normal life. Inside, I seethed with anger that she was back to normal and I would never know normal again.

Today I feel drugged. Last night, J’s friends came over and they hung out and shared some much needed laughter. They were silly and funny, and I enjoyed hearing them. But I am ice inside.

I have no gifts under the tree. I just don’t care. Everyone depends on me to set the tone, the mood for everything in our lives, but I want to curl up and sleep forever. This life is too hard for me right now.

English: Shower

English: Shower (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Writing and my humor are the only things I have left. Bear with me when I wallow in self-pity, will you?

PS I still cannot find my beloved camera. I fear it is gone forever and I cannot afford another one.

 

Alone with My Thoughts July 7, 2012

I wonder…
If I lived by the water, would I still feel that sense of peace I get now when I sit by a body of water?
Why so many people intentionally try to hurt ( emotionally and physically) others?
What people really see when they look at me?
Why is sand so soft, when it is really just tiny rocks?
Why I spent my life accumulating so much ” stuff” that I now wish I didn’t have?
What would happen if I just disappeared and started a whole new life?
Why are most bathing suits so uncomfortable?
How can anyone harm an animal?
Why am I here? What is my purpose?
Why bad foods taste so good?
Why innocent children are raped, diseased, or murdered? What is the point?
Why do we most humans look at movie stars as idols, and yet police, firefighters, and teachers are seldom appreciated and usually low paid?
Why nature is so beautiful, but humans continue to destroy it?
Why smoking weed is illegal, but tobacco and alcohol are not?
( Just for the record, I’ve had none of the above…today…lol)
I guess I’m in a strange mood. I just have all of these random thoughts bouncing in my head; some serious, some not so much.  When I am alone with my thoughts, this is what happens! Kind of scary, huh? What are some of your ” I wonder…” thoughts?

 

All Alone with People, Ducks, and Geese May 12, 2012

As always, when I am entering depression I need alone time. I grab my camera, jump in the car, throw in some good music, and drive. I’m not a danger, (I don’t think),  but I go into a fugue state where I zone out for a while and drive by auto-pilot. When I come to, I usually find myself near water. Today was no exception.

I found myself at a small lake on the west side of a nearby town. I sat on the bench and watched the ducks, geese, and people. There was a boy, about three years old, with his grandfather who sat on the hood of the truck and ate McDonald’s. They sat together and watched the ducks while bonding over cheeseburgers and fries. Another man sat with his young son in the car. They had a snack of animal crackers and shared sippy straw juice drinks. After eating, the father carried the son to see the birds up close. The child seemed frightened of the noise the geese made, but interested in seeing them from the safety of his dad’s arms. I watched two people out in the lake fishing from a boat . They seemed content to just fish together without conversation. Maybe there was nothing to say because they just enjoyed the time together. More people stood fishing on a short pier. They, too seemed content to just be together without many words.

I feel invisible when I observe people like this. No one sees me, no one acknowledges me. I am fine with this. Where I live, I am semi-famous, well-known for my job in this small community. I like being able to fade into the background for a change.

 

Childhood Memories That Shaped Me April 8, 2012

I don’t have that many memories of growing up. I do have a few fond memories of my earliest childhood. I remember playing with my dog, Sarge. He was my best friend for many years. For the first seven years of my life, he was the only friend I had because we didn’t live in a nice area of town, and my mom wouldn’t let me play with the “undesirables”. This being the days before video games and 24/7 television, I played outside a lot. This time in my life shaped me in three ways:

1. I love dogs, all kinds of dogs, in a way that goes beyond a “pet and owner” relationship. I could live without human companionship longer than I could without dog companionship. Dogs love you  and accept you for who  you really are inside. I have a belief that dogs can see into a human’s soul and are a better judge of character than we are. (But they are easily persuaded with a snack…)

2. I love nature, and being outside. Being in a beautiful setting in the outdoors is spiritually satisfying. I love walking through a forest, or sitting by the ocean. Even sitting in my backyard is satisfying to my soul, until the piercing screams of the kids next door interrupts…

3. I love being alone. I’m not a hermit, by any means, but I crave time to myself.  My job keeps me surrounded by people for eight hours a day, five days a week. My family demands my attention a lot. I cherish my alone time as something precious and special.

I have other childhood memories that shaped me, but not in a positive way. Those, my dear, I will share another day.