Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Life Goes On June 1, 2013

TRIGGER WARNINGS

She refused to do anything about the rape. After that day, she didn’t want to talk about it. J is  much like me in her ability to bury things deep inside. It kills me to see her do that, because I know what burying secrets does to you. The secrets come out at night and haunt your dreams. They creep up randomly in the middle of the day and make you unable to breathe. Secrets that you keep buried eat away at your soul, swallowing it bit by bit. Trust me, I know.

But burying secrets is a way to survive and keep living. It is a coping skill; a bad one, but a coping skill nonetheless. I was once gang raped by a group of guys who I thought were my friends. I was drunk and high on drugs, so the next morning I buried it away. After all, I put myself in that position. It was my fault. Those were the thoughts I had at the time, so I pretended it didn’t happen. Even when I saw them later in the week, I pretended nothing was different. Inside, I felt dead. I continued doing drugs and drinking heavily for a few more years. I attempted suicide several times. When I wasn’t attempting suicide, I lived as recklessly as I could. Dying seemed better than living.  I was in a bad place for a long time. It was years before I could grieve and even admit to myself that I was raped.

I worry so much about J. She carries so many wounds and she is not tough like I am. She feels every little jab deep in her heart. She is so trusting, yet she keeps getting hurt. J is a good, loyal person with a heart of gold.  She trusted that when she said no, he would listen. It wasn’t a playful, ambiguous no. She was crying. She meant it.

My anger is still boiling. She begged me not to tell anyone, not even her dad or sister. So I have another secret that I must carry, because when I make a promise I keep it. I do not know what will happen if I run into him somewhere. In this small town, it is bound to happen. I know where he works. I could easily find out where he lives. I lay in bed at night and dream up scenarios of what I would do to  him if I could. I will not share with you what my twisted mind concocts because it frightens me to think I can even  dream of such terrible things. But she is my baby, no matter her age. She is handicapped mentally and he took advantage of that. To me, that is more inhumane than the horrors my mind creates.

I am here, drinking my coffee and beginning my day. J spent the night with a friend and is planning her best friend’s wedding. The birds are chirping and the sun is rising. Life goes on.

 

Trying Not to Fall Into the Abyss March 24, 2013

I’m trying. I really am. Every day when I wake up and look in the mirror, I tell myself all those positive things the therapists and self-help books tell you to say: “You are a valuable person. It’s okay to not be perfect because no one is.  You have empathy and talent. You are worthwhile. There are people who love you just as you are, faults and all. You are lovable.” Sometimes I even believe a small part of what I say, but mostly I look into my eyes and see a nothing person. But I promise, I am trying to find reasons to be alive.

I see everything as though I am peering through a thick, black fog. The haze is so real I can taste it. It leaves a heavy metallic taste on my tongue. My eyes feel gritty from trying to see beyond the haze, so I often just close them. When I am home, I try to sleep, but dozing is the best I can do. My mind is filled with every demon from my past chasing me into a corner. I fight the urge to just surrender. Giving up, surrendering, seems so alluring and easy, and yet I still fight. Something in me makes me keep fighting.

I think it would be better now, but life circumstances are conspiring against my healing. My dog, who is one of my huge reasons for living, is back in the emergency hospital with seizures again. I ache for him. Another financial problem reared up to cause even more stress. And then, of course, there is J, who is herself teetering on the edge of mania gone wild.

I can almost see the edge of the cloud, but my fingertips are tired; they ache to let go and just let my body and soul fall into the abyss.

Life circumstances are hard right now, and that is not helping.

 

Making Progress February 7, 2013

J came home after her therapy last night and sat and talked with me about it. Sometimes she talks, but most often she goes to her room. I don’t take offense; when she needs to share, I listen. When she doesn’t, I understand. I know this is hard for her.

So last night was a share night. She said her therapist was proud of the rage she was feeling and said she was making great progress. Before, when J got angry she would not direct it at the appropriate source. Instead, she turned it inward. He said it was great that she was directing it outward, and that they would work on releasing it in a healthy way. I feel like this is great news! There is a slight difference in the way she holds herself now. It’s almost like I can see the woman she was meant to be finally emerging. I watched that happen with S, her younger sister, already. It feels so good to see her begin to grow again. Usually it is one step forward, two steps back….this seems to be TWO steps forward….and it is nice.

 

Pure Rage February 5, 2013

J is at therapy right now. She has bounced so much lately between mania and depression, I am afraid he will change her meds again.  The mania can sometimes be aggressive anger in the form of a sharp tongue and aggressive mannerism that she usually does not show. A few times in the last week her mania has been rage. There is no other word for it. Pure, on the edge, rage. And it really scares me.

I’m scared for her, not for me. I’ve never had her hurt me or even try to. I’m more worried that she will turn it on some total stranger or someone at work. Not that I think she is a danger; not at all. J has always swallowed her anger, or turned it inward. But the rage she feels now comes out of nowhere and is usually very out of proportion to what it should be. For example, she stopped at the store to buy chap-stick.  She couldn’t find her favorite kind, so she asked the clerk. When the clerk told her they were out, she was filled with rage and had to turn and walk out of the store. She couldn’t even speak she was so enraged. Now that the anger is coming out more, I hope the therapist works with her on how to express anger in a healthy way.

 

 

Found & First December 27, 2012

I FOUND MY CAMERA!!!! Oh, happy day! It was hiding in my garage, just waiting for me to remember that day I laid it on the shelf. I was going shopping, and didn’t want to leave it in the car where someone might steal it. I usually keep it in my trunk, (I don’t like to leave home without it) but for some reason left it on the shelf.

J had her appointment for her first therapy session with her Psychiatrist. It was two hours ago, and I haven’t heard from her yet. I called and sent her a text, but no reply. I’m beginning to get worried about her. I don’t know how long it was to last, or how intense it would be. I offered to go with her, but she said no. I understand; some things you must do for yourself.

Moonlit Night

 

My Beautiful Girl December 20, 2012

sundown

she longed for~

silence in an unquiet mind

peace in a turbulent heart

healing for a damaged soul.

but she got~

demons speaking more violence

family angry, sad, hurt

poison that almost ended it all.

what she needs~

time to heal deep festering wounds

new eyes to see the truth of a beautiful soul

forgiveness for her humanness.

 

 

Survivor November 26, 2012

Child sexual abuse effects and INFECTS too many lives. It changes the normal path of thinking when a child has to deal with the conflicting feelings that arise.

I was abused more than once. I suffered the guilt, the pain, the shame. I still feel it when it rises up in the middle of the night and threatens to choke me. It is decades later, and I still feel it.

But I survived. I am still here, and I am fighting.

Why? Because after all of this time, I am slowly beginning to think I might be worth it.

A Self-Portrait

 

I’m Becoming August 6, 2012

 

i looked

into the eyes of the most evil dragons

i held

the hands of fiery demons

screaming and pleading

i begged for help

but there was to be no rescue

of this damsel in distress

blinded by fear and pain

i ran, far, far away

to another kingdom

where dragons and demons

could only haunt me

in my dreams

hating what i became

just a shadow of me

an empty shell

where my soul

used to be

but now, each day,

i fight back

i look for the beauty

in a sometimes ugly world

i look for happy

when i’m filled with sad

i’m becoming….

stronger than my demons

i’m becoming…

healthier in my spirit

i’m becoming…

me

once again.

xoxoxo ~Rainey

 

 

 

 

i am July 29, 2012

i am strong

but filled with weakness

i am dead

but i still breath

i am intelligent

but not always smart

i am hidden

but i’m in plain view

i am tough

but not invincible

i am empty

but filled with pain

i am alive

but i don’t always live

i am sick

but no one knows

i am hurting

but you cannot see it

i am fragile

but not easily broken

i am tired

but too stubborn to give up

 

Mood Monitor July 19, 2012

America - home of the red, white and BLUES

America – home of the red, white and BLUES (Photo credit: Treasure Tia)

 

While searching for help (after advice from a dear friend….Thanks,  Alice) I found a “Mood Monitor” on Mental Health America. It is a short series of questions that help you focus on and identify your current mood. It then gives you a rating and advice on your symptoms. You can print the results and take to your doctor, or you can email then to yourself. This can be useful if  you complete it daily and assess the changes in your moods. I think I will try this to get a better understanding of what is going on with me. Maybe it will help some of you as well.

Mood Monitor