Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Again October 20, 2013

And…here we go again. If there is anyone out there in anonymous blog-land who actually comes back more than once or twice to read about the shit-show I call my life, you should probably change channels now. You’ve heard this before, multiple times. But, it is my life, this is my blog ABOUT my life, so….

J’s meds are not working. She has been on the same one for a whole year now, and that is incredible for her. Her bipolar ups and downs (she had rapid cycling…ha-ha, I typed “rabid” by accident; that fits, too) started getting crazy about three months ago, so her doctor added another drug to help the first one. He slowly upped it to the proper dosage over a month, but it didn’t work. So, two weeks ago he weaned her back off that one and started a new one.

It’s not working. The voices in her head returned. She is more aggressive than ever, and spent most of her monthly paycheck in a week.

I just want her to be happy and stable. She deserves it. I deserve it. Is it too much to ask?

Back to the drawing board. Again.

 

 

In Over My Head, and Then, Suddenly… October 15, 2013

I am drowning. I’m in over my head is so many ways and I don’t know what to do. Life is throwing me one curve ball after another, and stress is piled so high I can’t see the tunnel, let alone the light at the end of the tunnel. Things at work are getting harder and harder; I feel so much responsibility that I fear I will crack from the weight. At home, relationships are strained and nothing is easy. I miss my dog every single day. I don’t know from one day to another if J, (daughter with bipolar disorder) will be on the roller coaster high, where she becomes agitated, angry, and sometimes exhibits risky behavior; or if she will be on the roller coaster low, where she has trouble functioning and sometimes attempts to take her life. I feel I have no one to turn to’ no one to even understand. And then, suddenly….

Someone at work thanks me. A heartfelt, real, thank you. I feel appreciated.

My two dogs greet me at the door, full of love and energy. They need me and love me.

I look at my daughter and my love for her radiates from my every pore.

I have so much.

Suddenly, my life doesn’t seem as overwhelming.

Suddenly, I feel needed and loved.

Suddenly, I know I will be okay.

 

 

Unseen Burdens October 13, 2013

We all carry unseen burdens. Some hide their burdens very well, and you never know they exist. On the outside, these people seem to have it all, and many around them are envious. They look at their own flawed existence, and wonder why they cannot have that beautiful life.

I’ve lived on both sides. I was once the envied one, not because my life was perfect, but because I hid the flaws so well. I’ve also looked at others and wished I had their life. I’ve lived and experienced enough now, though, to know better. I have my set of problems, just like everyone else. None of us have it all figured out; we are all swimming in our own sea of doubts, fears, and sadness.

I no longer waste time feeling jealous of others. I also no longer hide the flaws of my world. It could be better, but it could be worse. I try to face my personal demons with humor. When depression sets in, I lay low and wait it out. When the good times come back, I live them fully and ride the wave of happiness as long as I can. When Bipolar Betty takes over my daughter, I help her through what I can, and remind myself it is the disease, not my daughter, acting and talking. We hold on tightly, and make it through together, as a family.

This is my life. These are my burdens. Don’t be jealous of me, and I won’t be jealous of  you.

 

Parts Sag and Things Hurt October 7, 2013

This weekend, I went for a trip on the motorcycle. I had a great time, but my butt hurts from riding 1,100 miles. And my back hurts from two nights on a brick-hard hotel bed.

I’m also sun burnt from an October sun that didn’t know it was October.

I woke up late this morning because I set my alarm for the wrong time. It wasn’t terribly wrong, but just enough to start my day off-kilter.

Got to work on time, but no time to spare. In fact, no time to spare all day. After my normal morning meeting, I had a meeting with the bosses to brainstorm and problem-solve. When they left, it seemed as though everyone on staff was lined up outside my door with a different problem. I guess it is good that I am needed at work.

At the end of the day, I had a nose bleed. Not bad; just a little one. I haven’t had one since I was a kid.

On the way home, my left eye started twitching. It does that some time for no apparent reason.

Sometimes, it’s a bitch getting older. Parts sag or don’t work and things hurt, but my mind doesn’t know we are getting older. It wants to go and do like we always have. I still have fun, but fun hurts more now than it did.

Did I mention that today was my birthday?

 

 

 

Cracks in the Veneer September 14, 2013

For days, weeks, and even (if I am lucky) months at a time, my life is shiny; covered with a beautiful glossy coat. Everything rolls along and falls into place as it should. Even the bumps in the road are handled with humor and navigated well. Good times are enjoyed, bad time are endured, and average times are sweet.

Then, for some unknown reason, the glossy veneer of my beautiful life begins to crack.

It always starts small. Something I forgot to do, and hubs mentions it. Or the boss mentions it. Or maybe no one mentions it, but I know and I feel it. It sours things just a wee bit, and the first tiny crack appears in the glossy veneer.

Even if I immediately take care of it, whatever caused the first crack haunts me. It reminds me of every other time I screwed up. It makes me feel like I am in over my head in this life; that sooner or later, I will be found out. I’m not good enough and everyone knows it. I am just living a lie.

So what is the difference? How is it that I can handle things so well for periods of time, then suddenly it all falls apart? I need to know, because I can feel the cracks creeping in, and things have been so good for a while now; I don’t want the darkness. I will fight it, but it always, always wins.

 

Minty Fresh Feet That Elvis Would Love September 1, 2013

Blue Suede Shoes in Marks & Spencer's window

Blue Suede Shoes in Marks & Spencer’s window (Photo credit: Diego’s sideburns)

I’m a “Do It Myself” kinda gal; I love trying homemade recipes for clothes detergent or household cleaner. I enjoy facials made from fruit, vegetables, or honey that I have right here in my kitchen. Most of the time it is a fun adventure that lends good results.

Today I decided to pamper myself. After spending the day in the heat going from one store to another looking for clothes appropriate for work, (By the way, to any clothing manufacturers who may read this: I am NOT a young teenage girl who spray-paints her clothes on; I AM a full-bodied, mature woman who does not want to put the girls on display, but I am also not a little old granny wearing polyester suits….THERE IS A GROUP OF US WOMEN IN BETWEEN!!!!) I came home and searched the wonderful ‘net for foot bath recipes. Simple, refreshing, and softening: that’s what I needed to go with the new nail polish I bought. I found a great sounding recipe on Pinterest (the life-sucking site where you can find everything you ever wanted to do but probably never will) that called for three ingredients that I knew I had: warm water, vinegar, and Listerine. I mixed it in a large plastic bowl, grabbed my Kindle and a beer, and settled down for a relaxing soak.

It felt really good, even though the water cooled down quickly. I sipped my beer and enjoyed the book I am reading (The Witness, by Sandra Brown). I probably soaked a little longer than the 20 minutes it called for, but not too long. The recipe promised the “dead skin would roll off when  you wiped with a towel”, so I grabbed a towel and wiped. I could feel some skin removed, but something else was NOT coming off: the blue coloring of the Listerine! I tip-toe ran to the bathtub and rinsed my feet with fresh water. I still looked like I was wearing Elvis’ Blue Suede Shoes! I grabbed a loofah sponge and scrubbed. Hard. The blue finally started to come off….a little.

After THIRTY MINUTES OF INTENSE SCRUBBING, my feet only look slightly like they belong on Smurfette. The good news is, after all that scrubbing, I removed several LAYERS of skin, so my feet are softer. I am proud to say my feet are minty fresh, soft, and only slightly blue…

 

Ready to Shed Summer

I’m ready to shed what is left of this lukewarm summer. It is time for cool autumn winds to blow this humid, heavy air away until next year.  This summer has not been a good one for me, and I am not sorry to see it go. I am back at work, with more responsibility than ever before. It is what I need.

I have a goal to not let work and everyday life get in the way of enjoying….LIFE. The weekend before work started I went on a quick trip to the mountains, just hubs and I. It rekindled something for us. We are good together, but I’d forgotten that we could be GREAT together. I don’t want to lose that.

I also don’t want to lose my art. I have this habit of immersing myself so fully in my job that I leave time for nothing else. My art releases so much for me, and I want to continue to learn and grow. I cannot do that by only creating a month or two out of the year. I have a need for art in my life.

Autumn….I am so ready for pots of homemade soup; crisp brown leaves crunching underfoot; brilliantly colored leaves decorating the mountains; and the smell of wood smoke drifting from chimneys. Autumn is my favorite time of year.

 

 

I Wanna Be August 16, 2013

Filed under: about me,living,personal,Poems,poetry — rainey46 @ 7:32 pm
Tags: , , , , , ,

I wanna be your Queen Bee

Secure deep down in the hive

wanting for nothing

living on your love.

I wanna be your favorite cup of coffee

swirling around in blue pottery

just sweet enough

good to the last drop.

I wanna be the tattoo on your skin

riding the waves of your muscles

nestled against your chest

yours, forever more.

 

 

Different Doesn’t Mean Wrong August 12, 2013

Why is there so much hatred in the world for anyone or anything “different” from the norm? Do we really want a world filled with carbon copies of bland sameness? I think fear plays a role; many fear what they don’t understand. But it goes so much deeper than that. The old “Survival of the fittest” instinct kicks in, even in this day and time. For some reason, things that make us “different” are viewed as weaknesses. In reality, it is often those differences that make a person a survivor. These differences bring us, as humans, forward as a race. Without these wonderful differences and the unique qualities of people, we would not have the scientific genius of Einstein, the artistic genius of Van Gogh, or the mental genius of Aristotle.

I remain hopeful that the internet, yes, the great World Wide Web, will help erase the stigma of different. The web allows humans to connect in ways we never imagined. It is doubtful that I could ever afford to travel to Uganda and share ideas, but here, on the ‘net, I can do that with a few strokes of my fingers. I can get the opinion of  a sassy Colombian lady who lives in Canada, or check in on life in the United Kingdom. Do these online friends have different opinions than mine? Yes, sometimes they do. Do they have different experiences, heartaches, triumphs? Certainly. I learn so much from their thoughts and adventures! I see the uniqueness of each of them and I feel blessed that they share that uniqueness with me and the rest of the world. Perhaps, one day, we can learn to celebrate those qualities that make us each uniquely human.

 

 

Art Festival and Nourishment of My Soul July 29, 2013

Artist at work

Artist at work

Those are panoramic photographs on the right

Those are panoramic photographs on the right

Lots of people!

Lots of people!

Metal art

Metal art

I took a nice, much-needed trip to a festival in the mountains. Seeing the beautiful artwork of others really inspired me. It also made me feel great about my own work. Sometimes I feel like my work is so…untalented…not good enough. I know people TELL me it’s good, but you know how that goes; these people love me (or at least like me and must see me regularly). After seeing the art for sale….that people were BUYING, I feel like my work (some of it) might actually sell in the right market. So I’ve decided to try it. I’m going to complete as many pieces as I can, then sign up for a booth at a local festival.

As for my trip, it helped to clear my head. I’ve been in a fog the last few weeks. Not really depressed, just existing. I’ve just watched the hours turn into days. Now I feel ready to do something. I have a purpose again.

I’m including a few pictures of the festival. It was great! I sat on the sidewalk, eating Thai food, listening to a local band, and watching the people walk by and thought what a wonderful life it would be to travel to various festivals and sell art you lovingly crafted. That fits my ideal lifestyle! I met such interesting people and had great conversations about art and life. My soul feels nourished again.