Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

The Tree Got Decorated, but Not According to Planned December 1, 2013

English: A bauble on a Christmas tree.

English: A bauble on a Christmas tree. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Like most things in my life lately, today did not go as planned.

We planned on going through all the many boxes of Christmas decorations and throwing out the junk and taking what we didn’t want to the secondhand store. We planned to decorate the tree this morning. It did get decorated…eventually.

My daughter S and her partner E came over early this morning and brought us breakfast. J got up feeling grumpy, but she seemed to shake it off. We ate and started making plans to decorate. J got upset and reminded us that she was going to church with a friend. We promised we would wait until she returned.

J has struggled a lot lately with bipolar, thyroid problems, and OCD. We are not a family that attends church, but J talked to a good friend who told her to come to her church and attend counseling with the preacher. I am not fond of this idea for several reasons, but I will save that for another post. However I kept my reservations to myself and wished her well.

She didn’t return until 2:00. She said it was great and she seemed happy. We pulled out all the boxes we needed and spread everything out in the living room. The dogs (4 of them) had played outside all day and managed to get all 16 paws filthy! S asked her sister a simple question. Nothing major; just a question.

“Are there still dishes in the sink?” (She wanted to wash paws before allowing the dogs to come in the house).

For some reason, this question from her sister sent J over the edge. She yelled at S and told her to “get off her back” and said she “couldn’t handle this right now.” She then stormed off to her room.

S looked at me and said, “I just asked her a simple question.” J SCREAMED “I can hear you, you know!” So S went to her room and tried to talk to her. She calmly told her that she just asked about the sink because the dogs needed to be cleaned, and that we had waited all day for her to help us decorate the tree, and we would really like her to join us. (S has learned how to talk to J when she gets like this from years of experience.)

S came out but J stayed in her room. We went through the motions of getting the boxes open to begin sorting, but to be honest I was in a daze and don’t really know what we were doing. After a few minutes, J comes out of her room with her keys in her  hand. I tried talking to her but she ignored me and walked past and out the door. I went after her, but she was already in the car. I told her to hand me her keys but she refused. I was so scared she would drive off and hurt herself! By this time hubs came out to help me. I kept asking and she kept refusing. I suddenly felt overwhelmingly tired to my very core. I looked at hubs and told him I couldn’t do this and walked away. He took the keys from her. As I reached the house I heard her scream “THEN I WILL WALK!” as she slammed her car door.

J began walking down the road. Barefoot. I don’t know what was going on in her head, and she doesn’t remember. She didn’t go far before she turned around and came back to the yard. She sat right in the ditch. Hubs walked out to her and it was as if she were coming out of some sort of fugue. She started crying hysterically and asking, “Why am I in the ditch? What happened?” He led her back to me.

We calmed her down. Then we decorated the tree.

 

Advertisements
 

In Over My Head, and Then, Suddenly… October 15, 2013

I am drowning. I’m in over my head is so many ways and I don’t know what to do. Life is throwing me one curve ball after another, and stress is piled so high I can’t see the tunnel, let alone the light at the end of the tunnel. Things at work are getting harder and harder; I feel so much responsibility that I fear I will crack from the weight. At home, relationships are strained and nothing is easy. I miss my dog every single day. I don’t know from one day to another if J, (daughter with bipolar disorder) will be on the roller coaster high, where she becomes agitated, angry, and sometimes exhibits risky behavior; or if she will be on the roller coaster low, where she has trouble functioning and sometimes attempts to take her life. I feel I have no one to turn to’ no one to even understand. And then, suddenly….

Someone at work thanks me. A heartfelt, real, thank you. I feel appreciated.

My two dogs greet me at the door, full of love and energy. They need me and love me.

I look at my daughter and my love for her radiates from my every pore.

I have so much.

Suddenly, my life doesn’t seem as overwhelming.

Suddenly, I feel needed and loved.

Suddenly, I know I will be okay.

 

 

Meet Our Fur Ball, Tucker June 26, 2013

Tucker 2

Meet Tucker. He is a Shih Tzu just like Sophie, and just like Riley was. He is adorable and has a sweet nature, but is feisty enough to hold his own with the “grand-pups” when they come over. I  think it is okay that I am not bonding with him right away like I have my other dogs; he seems to like hubs, and they have bonded nicely. I’m fine with that; I just want the little guy to have the love he deserves. It’s not that I don’t like him; I really do. I just know my heart is not in it. I will grow to love him more because that is my nature; I am and always will be an animal lover.

Sophie is still avoiding Tucker. We are trying to help her out of her depression. The vet said to give her time, and to make sure she gets to do some favorite things. I bought her favorite chew toy today, and she got to go for not one, but TWO rides in the car. She seems content at the moment. As I am typing this, she is lying beside me chewing her toy. Tucker is playing on the floor with hubs, playing tug-of-war.

As for me, I had to get out of the house today. I got up early and went grocery shopping (I know, not exciting, but it gave me something to think about). At 10:00 I broke down. Riley died at 10:00 a week ago today. I also cried when it thundered because Riley was scared of thunder. After multiple breakdowns, we decided I needed a distraction so hubs took me to see a movie and then we went out to eat. It did help, so at the moment I feel more peaceful than I did earlier.

I’ve tried doing art, but it all turns to shit. I cannot force it; art (or writing, for that matter) has to come from somewhere deep inside. Even my photographs seem flat. Hopefully I will find that spark again, because it is the best emotional release I have.

Meet Tucker

 

New Puppy June 25, 2013

Filed under: about me,all,depression,dogs — rainey46 @ 5:00 pm
Tags: , , ,

Yesterday, hubs took me to get a new puppy. I went to Riley’s grave and cried before we left. We went to look at one puppy and ended up coming home with his brother. He is the same breed, but looks nothing like Riley. I made sure of it.

He is a sweet, energetic little black fur-ball. I enjoy him, but I have no emotional ties to him. I pray that changes. As I sit in the floor and play with him, I cry because I miss Riley so much.

The puppy is a distraction. He takes constant supervision, as most pups do. My house is mostly puppy-proof, so I just close bedroom doors and he follows me around. Soph sits on the couch and watches him play.

I know I’ve fallen over another edge of depression; I can feel the tumble, yet I am helpless. I almost welcome it. Sophie, Riley’s female companion, is just as depressed. She is barely eating and will not come near the new pup. I hold her and we both watch the puppy while we mourn.

 

 

 

Real Love June 21, 2013

Filed under: about me,dogs,musings,Sorrow — rainey46 @ 2:09 pm
Tags: , , ,

I understand now. I know why I have such a deep, real love for dogs. I understand why I love and trust dogs more than I do humans.

Dogs love. Unconditionally, no-holds-barred LOVE. They love so completely, they give so freely, that I trust them. Humans, however, always have an agenda. We all do. Humans have ulterior motives whether we realize it or not. It’s not a shameful thing; it is just the way it is. It’s just the way we are.

I learned a very long time ago to never fully give my heart to another human. But I handed over my heart and soul to Riley because he knew me, he accepted me, and he loved every part of me without reservation.

My little dog Riley died Tuesday. I’m hurting worse than I ever have before.  The pain is physical and intense.

The sun is shining. The birds are chirping. Life is moving on, but my heart is shattered beyond repair. I know I love my little Sophie, and I know I will love another pup someday, but never, ever will there be another Riley.

DSCN0737a

 

Trying Not to Fall Into the Abyss March 24, 2013

I’m trying. I really am. Every day when I wake up and look in the mirror, I tell myself all those positive things the therapists and self-help books tell you to say: “You are a valuable person. It’s okay to not be perfect because no one is.  You have empathy and talent. You are worthwhile. There are people who love you just as you are, faults and all. You are lovable.” Sometimes I even believe a small part of what I say, but mostly I look into my eyes and see a nothing person. But I promise, I am trying to find reasons to be alive.

I see everything as though I am peering through a thick, black fog. The haze is so real I can taste it. It leaves a heavy metallic taste on my tongue. My eyes feel gritty from trying to see beyond the haze, so I often just close them. When I am home, I try to sleep, but dozing is the best I can do. My mind is filled with every demon from my past chasing me into a corner. I fight the urge to just surrender. Giving up, surrendering, seems so alluring and easy, and yet I still fight. Something in me makes me keep fighting.

I think it would be better now, but life circumstances are conspiring against my healing. My dog, who is one of my huge reasons for living, is back in the emergency hospital with seizures again. I ache for him. Another financial problem reared up to cause even more stress. And then, of course, there is J, who is herself teetering on the edge of mania gone wild.

I can almost see the edge of the cloud, but my fingertips are tired; they ache to let go and just let my body and soul fall into the abyss.

Life circumstances are hard right now, and that is not helping.

 

Early Morning Aloneness February 10, 2013

I’m living in the moment and the moment is nice.

It’s early morning here, too early for ME to be up on a Sunday when I could sleep in. I  awake to the feel of Riley’s warm body pressed close  to me. I feel Sophie, his “lady” and my darling little girl, snuggled against my leg. Soft snores rise from hubs, and I am warm and cozy beneath my blanket. But, I am awake, and as often happens, nature calls. So I leave the comfort of my nest with my pups at my heels.

After a quick stop in the bathroom, we all three pad down the hall and into the kitchen. I turn on the day’s first pot of coffee and take the pups outside. Lucky for me, I have a fenced yard where they can roam freely. Sophie doesn’t like the cold and must be enticed to go out. I remain vigilant over my little man, so I stand on the back porch and shiver in the cold while he takes care of his business. A few minutes later we are all back in the warmth of the kitchen as I pour my first cup of steaming black coffee.

In the living room we settle into our normal positions: me, computer on my lap and mug in my hand, with Sophie curled on the arm of the love seat against my left side. Riley settles against my hip on the right. Today I feel his trembles. It is, I hope, a side effect of the new medication that will soon pass. He remains slightly disoriented and dazed, but seems fine otherwise. The medicine makes him drowsy, so he settles in for a snooze as I check my email and Facebook.

At 6:00 I disturb their slumber, but it is time for Riley’s medication. J forgot to buy canned dog food, so I get pieces of a hot dog. They each get two bites, Riley’s with his medication smuggled inside. The new pill is very large, so I watch to make sure it goes down. I write a note on the never-ending list on the notepad beside the refrigerator to remind myself to get the canned dog food. Breakfast is next, so I scoop two bowls of Pedigree’s finest into first one then the other bowl. Riley and Sophie sniff at each bowl and walk away, unimpressed. Riley walks into the living room and lifts his leg as he urinates on the blanket dangling from the ottoman. This is something he’s not done since being a young pup and I stare, momentarily shocked. When I move, it is to push, rather than spank, his hind quarters. He looks confused. I take him outside again, where he finishes his business. Back inside, he watches me closely as I scrub the ottoman and rug. He follows me as I toss the blanket into the washing machine and begin the first of many loads I need to complete today.

While up, I pour another mug of coffee. Back to the sofa, parade style, me in the lead and the two dogs following close behind. This time, Riley settles on the couch, choosing the end closest to me and he circles until it is just right. I hear a contented sigh as he relaxes again. Sophie waits patiently for me to get comfortable. I curl my legs up beneath me and place my computer lap-desk across my thighs. My coffee is within easy reach on the end table to my left. I pat the padded arm of the love seat to let Sophie know I am ready, and she leaps into her position and settles in.

I can see the kitchen window from my position here on the love seat and the day is brightening. Soon, the others in my home will wake up and join me, but for now, I am content in the comfort of my early morning aloneness.

Spread Your Wings and Fly