Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Shattered May 24, 2014

When she goes off the deep end, I break inside. Every tiny little piece of carefully built hope shatters.

I live every single day with fear, hope, and dread. Fear of what she will do, fear of the unknown horrors the day may bring. Hope that we will both come through this day unscathed. I live with dread. Dread invades me with every text or call. But I also live with happiness. Happiness fills my heart and soul when we roll through problems and make it to the other side. I’m happy when the day goes well.

She started drinking again; binge drinking alone in her room. I suspected it, but had not confronted her. I called her at 3 in the afternoon because I needed her to meet me somewhere. She had to admit to me that she couldn’t because she was drunk. (She just got off work at 2:45.) I couldn’t help myself; I was filled with rage. I didn’t let it out at her though; I simple made a statement that she was drinking a lot lately and then said I’d talk to her later and hung up.

She, of course, could not let it go. Text and phone calls began…”Are you upset?” “Are you mad at me?” I tried to ignore, but I finally answered the phone. I didn’t let it all fly, but I told her the truth…I am angry. I am angry because you are choosing an old crutch…drinking..that I thought we’d conquered in the past. I said I wish she would learn how to live through the tough times in life without using a crutch that made things worse.  She got very mad at me and said I was being mean and I had no right to be mad at her because she wasn’t doing anything to me and why did I say these things to her? I reminded her that SHE called me, and I was trying to keep my distance until the anger passed. She hung up.

I was looking forward to this nice, 3-day weekend. In fact, I left work a little early yesterday so I could get home. Instead, I drove around for a while, did some shopping, did anything to avoid going home to her because I could feel the storm brewing.

We avoided one another at first. A couple of hours passed before she came at me, screaming, “Are you not going to talk to me?” I told her I was still angry, and felt it was better if we didn’t talk right then. She kept on. Usually I can remain in control of my emotions, but honestly I’m just tired. Work has been hard, living with her is always difficult, and I feel the tiredness like a disease deep in my soul. I tried to explain to her that I am allowed to have emotions, too, and I’m tired of holding them in because of her. I didn’t unleash the fury of what I felt, but she saw a peek. She turned it around on me and said I made her feel like crap for having addictions. That I was the only one she had to turn to (which is not true). I told her I couldn’t be her “only one” that sometimes I needed a break. She became furious and stormed out, got in her car, and left.

She began sending “I’m sorry” and “I just want to die” messages to her sister and a friend. I couldn’t even find the energy to be worried. Does this make me a horrible person? I didn’t really even get scared because it felt like another manipulation game. She was trying to punish me for being angry.

She eventually came home…after I gave in and played her game. “Please come home so I will know you are safe,” I wrote in a text. Her sister went out and found her and convinced her to go home.

We had an event that my daughters and I were to attend this morning. They went without me. I just don’t want to be around her, or the world right now. She is fine today, happy and having fun. Me? I’m tired. I’m shattered. I’ll be here alone, trying to put the pieces beck together so I can make it through the next storm.

 

 

No Means No May 27, 2013

She was raped. That son of a bitch raped her last night. I am boiling with fury and probably shouldn’t be allowed to blog right now but I have to let it out somehow or I will hunt him down and cut off his dick. If you are offended by my language then please don’t read this post. I am seriously trying to keep from going after him. I do not need to go to jail, because then who would she have? Her dad, who lives in la-la land? Or her sister, who gets angry every time J’s bipolar/anxiety prevents her from being “normal”?

I have always joked that if someone raped either of my daughters I would take him in a house and nail his dick to the windowsill. I would then set the house on fire and hand him a knife and tell him, “You get to choose. My daughter did not.” I thought I was joking. Now I know I was not. I want to inflict terrible pain on him. I want to see him beg for mercy. How could that son of a bitch do that to her? She is already so fragile….years of work probably undone because he wanted to get off.

To think, this was a “nice boy” whom I knew and LIKED!!! It wasn’t one of the losers she found on the dating sites (nothing against dating sites, but J is known for picking losers and it never turns out well); this was a “local” guy who seemed very earnest and straight-forward. My heart is broken for her. She will not press charges because they will never stick. And I agree; they will not stick.

J told him no. Forcefully. Repeatedly. But she did not fight. She did not scream for help. She kept saying no and crying but did not stop him. My guess is because of her incredibly low self-esteem she just let him finish. She was so hurt and confused when she told me. My poor baby.

No means no.

 

 

 

I Am a Good Person May 1, 2013

I am  a good person. Everyone makes mistakes, right?

I am a good person. I just make a lot of mistakes.

I am a good person.  Why do I do such stupid things, then?

I am a good person. Everyone would be better off without me.

I am a good person. I made such a mess of my life.

I am a good person.

I am  a good person.

I am  a good person.

I am  a good person.

I am  a good person.

I am  a good person.

I am  a good person.

I am  a good person.

I am  a good person.

I am  a good person.

I am  a good person.

I am  a good person.

If I keep saying it, will I ever really believe it?

 

 

 

It’s Coming March 14, 2013

It’s coming. I can feel it, breathing down my neck. It’s not here yet, but it is close. When I gaze in the mirror, I can feel it hovering just out of view. When I walk down a long hall and turn the corner, I can almost catch a glimpse. As I stare into my own eyes, I feel it staring back, right there behind the dark brown flecks of my irises. Just the thought is wearing me down.

There is nothing I can do. It will come, it will stay as long as it wants, and it will leave just as abruptly as it came. It will tear me apart if it wants, and leave me in tiny little pieces that I can never, ever make fit perfectly again. I will fake it for as long as I can so that no one else can see the turmoil it brings. I will fake normal so no one will know my secret. But I know, and IT knows.

How long is my uninvited and unwanted guest going to stay?  Will I make it? Will my life be so interrupted that nothing is ever the same again? Only it knows.

I hate depression.

 

 

Today I was Brave January 14, 2013

I did something brave today.

Be Happy

Be Happy (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

And I am freaking proud of myself (for a change). Remember my post “I’m Sick of Me“? I wrote it on a day when I plunged low into the depths of despair and depression. I lied to someone; someone I respect and care for tremendously..my boss…and she found out. I became trapped by the tangled lie with no way out. I respect her so much that I just wanted the earth to swallow me whole. When I looked at her I felt sick to my stomach.

Today, I finally saw her in private. I calmed myself as much as I could and went in and shut her door. I looked her in the eyes and apologized for lying. She looked surprised, but said it was fine. She did ask me why, and I told the truth. It was a stupid lie about something I forgot to do.

IT FELT SO DAMN GOOD! It was incredibly hard for me to do, but it would be harder to NOT talk to her about it. I could not let a lie hang between us, even if she forgave me. I had to face it, and I did.

I am a grown woman. I have lied before, both little white lies and bigger, more serious offenses. It is nothing new or earth-shattering. Facing up to lies is something you learn to do as a child, but it is never, ever easy to do. Lies are born out of desperation or because you are afraid the truth is too difficult for them (or yourself) to face.

Today, I was brave.  I faced it head on. Now my steps are a little lighter and I feel better about myself. Did it take away the lie? No, but it is no longer looming in the front of my head, telling me what a bad person I am. I can say, “Lesson learned.” And I can be proud of me!

 

It is Tomorrow December 26, 2012

It is tomorrow. We made it through the night and into a new day. J called her Doctor and made an appointment for her first intensive therapy session. I am proud of her for being so brave, because this has to be so scary for her.

I am just glad the holidays are over. Putting on a brave face and faking any degree of normalcy is so incredibly hard! I did (based on some advice from friend here on WP) keep everything very low-key; few decorations, few presents (gift bags only; no wrapping), little cooking, and little interaction with extended family. I still feel as though I am in a dense fog and I still feel dead inside. I did cry  yesterday, so I guess that is something.

It is hard to live with someone who has no understanding or tolerance for my moods or what J deals with daily. I’ve given up explaining my dark moods to him; as far as he is concerned, I am feeling “sick”. I don’t have the strength to explain or defend how I feel emotionally. All I want to do right now is sleep, write, or zone out. So that is what I will do.

At least the dogs understand; they sense my moods and have curled up here beside me.

Fog

 

Unsuccessful Suicide December 19, 2012

Various pills

Various pills (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

tw-sign6

My daughter tried to kill herself again today. I never thought I would write that statement, but here I am. She took a bottle of pills. Again. She waited until she was at home, alone. Hubs and I were about 20 minutes away having supper at a local Mexican Restaurant. After she took them she got scared, so she started texting “goodbye” messages to all of her best friends. She sent me one, too. “I really love you and dad” it said. My phone was in my car, so I didn’t see her message until I was driving home. Along with her message was about 5 from her friends trying to make sure she was okay and that I was with her. I called her, but she didn’t answer. Next I called the friend who lives closest, Angel. Angel was already on the way over to the house to check on her. I drove like a maniac, running 80-100 all the way home.

Angel and her boyfriend got there right before me. She told them she took some pills. I was about to call 911 when J started vomiting. She was very groggy and could barely lift her head. She vomited over and over, so I felt like enough came up that she was out of danger.

I didn’t cry. I didn’t get upset. But every time this happens, another part of my heart dies.

I am just tired. We have gone through this so many times now, that I hardly feel anything. It’s just another day in my life. My daughter tried to kill herself again. She didn’t succeed. Tomorrow I will go to work. Life goes on.