Different Doesn’t Mean Wrong August 12, 2013

Why is there so much hatred in the world for anyone or anything “different” from the norm? Do we really want a world filled with carbon copies of bland sameness? I think fear plays a role; many fear what they don’t understand. But it goes so much deeper than that. The old “Survival of the fittest” instinct kicks in, even in this day and time. For some reason, things that make us “different” are viewed as weaknesses. In reality, it is often those differences that make a person a survivor. These differences bring us, as humans, forward as a race. Without these wonderful differences and the unique qualities of people, we would not have the scientific genius of Einstein, the artistic genius of Van Gogh, or the mental genius of Aristotle.

I remain hopeful that the internet, yes, the great World Wide Web, will help erase the stigma of different. The web allows humans to connect in ways we never imagined. It is doubtful that I could ever afford to travel to Uganda and share ideas, but here, on the ‘net, I can do that with a few strokes of my fingers. I can get the opinion of  a sassy Colombian lady who lives in Canada, or check in on life in the United Kingdom. Do these online friends have different opinions than mine? Yes, sometimes they do. Do they have different experiences, heartaches, triumphs? Certainly. I learn so much from their thoughts and adventures! I see the uniqueness of each of them and I feel blessed that they share that uniqueness with me and the rest of the world. Perhaps, one day, we can learn to celebrate those qualities that make us each uniquely human.

 

Another One For You, MBC April 15, 2013

There is an old song I listen to when I am feeling down. I don’t know why it’s this one song, but I listen to it on repeat, blasting it as loud as I can as I sing along.  After hearing it a few dozen times, I somehow always feel better. It doesn’t fix things and nothing really changes, but I do feel better. Maybe it’s because the words speak to me, and I don’t feel so all alone. You know, SOMEONE gets it.

I actually have a weird playlist of songs I listen to when I am feeling really rock-bottom down, but this one is always, always at the top of the list. I have posted about it before, but this one is for my friend, MBC. I’m thinking about you, and I want you to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Maybe this song will help. Maybe you can find one that makes you feel better. Maybe, just maybe, knowing that I care will help a tiny bit.

Here are the words to Change, by Blind Melon.

I don’t feel the suns comin’ out today
its staying in, its gonna find another way.
As I sit here in this misery, I don’t
think I’ll ever see the sun from here.

And oh as I fade away,
they’ll all look at me and say, and they’ll say,
Hey look at him! I’ll never live that way.
But that’s okay
they’re just afraid to change.

When you feel your life ain’t worth living
you’ve got to stand up and
take a look around you then a look way up to the sky.
And when your deepest thoughts are broken,
keep on dreaming boy, cause when you stop dreamin’ it’s time to die.

And as we all play parts of tomorrow,
some ways will work and other ways we’ll play.
But I know we all can’t stay here forever,
so I want to write my words on the face of today.
and then they’ll paint it

And oh as I fade away,
they’ll all look at me and they’ll say,
Hey look at him and where he is these days.
When life is hard, you have to change.

And here is the video again. I hope it helps. Hugs to you, Your friend Rainey

For a Friend: Patience

For you, MBC. You are worth it.

Right Now April 7, 2013

Right now,

I know you feel alone,

lost, and without hope

But I want you to know

Right now,

I am here for you

to comfort you

to show you

that you are not alone

right now,

as always

I am your friend.

Feeling Better, Anti-Weepies, and Good Friends March 25, 2013

I’m getting there. Despite the chaos around me (or maybe BECAUSE of it) I feel…lighter. The heaviness in my head and chest is a little better today; the haze is lessening. I still have a certain sadness, a melancholy, if you will, but it is not crippling. I am able to think of tomorrow, and that there is a reason to see another tomorrow. That’s progress, my friends!

My dear friend Hannah (and she is a friend, even if I have never met her in “real life”) made a comment on my last post. She said I was bat-shit crazy and why didn’t I go take some damn anti-lunatic pills and stop pissing around already.

No, she didn’t really say that. 😉 But I wouldn’t be offended if she had! (See, I’m feeling better because my sense of humor is back.) This is what she actually wrote:

Don’t take this the wrong way, but have you considered medication? You are a wonderful, loving, giving person, and if you need some help getting through this period in your life, then you should have it. I’ve been on medication, and yes, it’s absolutely a crutch, but you know, sometimes you break your leg and it’s ok to use a crutch for a time. Not forever, maybe, but to get through the worst of it. So, all I’m saying is, if you don’t need it, then ok… but if you do, that’s alright, too.

My friend, I agree. Here is the sad thing: This is me on drugs. I AM ON MEDICINE!! And, here is the kicker…..they have changed it and increased it multiple times. Most of the time, I sail along with the usual ups and downs. But in recent years, the lows take me way, way down. Some may be situational…  after all, my life is the kind they write books about (and you would think it was all made up; no one could REALLY have a  life like that!). Some may be the residual effects of the abuse I suffered at a younger age. But I know some of these feelings are not based on current or past situations. Those mornings when I open my eyes only to see the darkness has descended; those days when nothing interests me; those nights when I beg my dreams to take me away, but all they do is mock me….that is depression in the purest form.

The pills do work. I stopped taking them once. Within days, all I could do was weep. Yes, weep. I’m not a woman to use that word lightly, but when the shoe fits…there is no other way to describe it. I. Could. Not. Function. I went back on the medicine, and felt like myself a few days later. That is NOT an experience I ever want to repeat. Don’t get me wrong; I like an occasional good cry: it is a powerful release that leaves me feeling cleansed and emotionally stable again. But WEEPING, however, is NOT FUN. You make no sense, the tears flow without any feeling of release, your nose gets all snotty and gross, and YOU CANNOT STOP! There is no end to weeping. It just gets quieter, but it doesn’t stop. It is a pathetic kind of crying with no purpose other than to make you look weak and stupid, and, yes, CRAZY. So I have no plans to stop taking my beautiful little “no-weepies” pills each day.

Do I need to go back and try a new kind of pill? Maybe. Okay, yes, I do. But that will have to wait until this summer, because I cannot afford to dive into the weepies at work. They kinda don’t know how unstable I really am, and I hope to keep fooling them for another day week year or two, if possible. So I will continue, the best that I can.

As for you, my dear friends, thank you. Thank you for your kind, encouraging words when things get tough for me. I’m not able to reply when things are bad, but I want you to know I am reading and it does matter. I know my bouts with depression are not fun to read about, but it is healing and helpful to me to get it out. I cannot say what I feel, and I hide it from those around me, but for some reason I can write about it straight from the heart. When I write, I don’t censor. So you are seeing me naked, down to the very center of my humanist. I am honored that any of you stick around to read. The fact that so many of  you actually care enough to comment and wish me well…it blows me away. It gives me hope for the human race. And yes, if I hadn’t taken my pills, I might even be a little weepy right now…

Simple, Sweet, Pure and Clean January 15, 2013

Once…

life was simple, sweet,

pure and clean.

seemingly infinite days of summer brought

sun-burnt noses, pony-tailed hair,

skinned knees and rosy freckles

sprinkled on tan faces.

Friendships

born and cemented

over grilled cheese sandwiches,

soda pop on back steps,

energetic backyard baseball,

and rainy day marathons

of Monopoly and Clue.

Glowing flashes of yellow fireflies,

streetlights illuminating the dusk,

and hide-n-go-seek

brought the golden days to an end

when

life was simple, sweet,

pure and clean.

 

For MBC January 13, 2013

Here is a magnificent sword. Use it to fight your battles and come back into the light. ~Rainey

Baby Steps to Change January 10, 2013

I’ve been home from work for two days, sick to my stomach. I don’t know if I have a virus or if it is just my nerves and anxiety. Either way, I feel like total poo. I’ve done nothing but sleep. I just took a shower (at noon on day 2) and I feel shaky and worn out. I tried to do a little house cleaning (because no one else in this house ever picks up the slack when I am sick) but I’m too shaky for that right now. Maybe later I will feel like it.

So here I am, back to writing. My dogs curled up against me just as they always are when they sense I am down. Other than the dogs, I am home alone. The weather is gentle today and I have the blinds open so I can see the world. Pandora (radio) is off, as is the television, so it is quiet. I’m trying to give myself a little peace so that I can get my thoughts together.

I’ve thought, in between dreaming, of the comments from my post yesterday. You are all such great people to give a complete stranger (one who is bonkers on top of that :D) such thoughtful responses. It is so easy to get lost in the everydayness of my life. When I put my bald thoughts (I call them bald because I write straight from my heart, no holding back, no editing) down for you to see, you respond with kindness, and love, and empathy. I am showing you, people I don’t even know, the darkest corners of my blackest heart, and you are NICE to me. That is the most incredible gift.

And you give me much to think about. There are parts of my heart that feel wholesome and good. I can see that part of me at times and it feels…right. Other times I cannot see through the murky darkness and it is as if my very soul is black. I watch the nightly news and it bothers me when I see the damage that humans are capable of doing to one another…I am afraid that in my blackest corner I am capable of those same horrors. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t ever think of hurting others, but I am a damaged human and so are those who commit the horrors, therefore….you see where I am going. And I know, I know, I can hear my logic professor (and many of you) screaming “Faulty logic!!”. It’s just how my mind works. I see these people who murder or steal or hurt others and I know they are making bad choices just as I am. Mine are not THAT bad, of course, but that is just shades of grey (not the book). My choices are still hurtful to some, but mostly to myself because I am so aware of it. I am very aware of my faults and shortcomings but have trouble seeing the good in me. When I look in the mirror, I see the ugliness inside.

I am a constant work in progress. I am becoming who I am. This I know.  Now it is time to take those baby steps to change. This is the next part of my journey.

 

 

 

Wandering Photographer January 6, 2013

I took a friend’s advice and took the day off yesterday…with my camera. ( Thanks for the idea, Hannah…BTW, you can meet Hannah here…she’s worth following, trust me.) I actually went for a long ride…traveling through three states…and took pictures along the way.  Nothing planned; if it was something that caught my eye, I stopped and clicked away. I know locals were driving by thinking, “What the hell? That chick must be cray cray…she’s standing beside a busy highway taking pictures of the old Jenkins house”…..but I DON’T CARE! It was fabulous! It was entertaining! And I saw some great things. This may need to be my new weekend hobby! See more of my photo adventures on my photo blog…Rainey’s View, if you care to look. 🙂

“What are you doing this weekend? Want to go to the mall or Target to look at stuff we cannot afford to buy?”

“No, I’ve got plans to fill my car up with gold gas and drive around to find broken down buildings, fields full of cows and cow shit, and graffiti covered trains to photograph. Want to go? I only got chased once by that pissed-off farmer with the gun….and that angry bull when I tried to get up close and personal. It’s lots of fun.”

And I wonder why I have no close friends.

My Wish for You December 23, 2012

To you, my friends and readers: I dream of wishes coming true…

~I wish for your dreams to come true, and your nightmares diminish;

~I wish for just enough hardships in life to make you appreciate the good times;

~I wish for you to find laughter everyday;

~I wish for you to try or learn something new, because it keeps life interesting;

~I wish for you to feel the music;

~I wish for rain, because without rain we can’t have rainbows;

~I wish for beauty to shine in every aspect of your life;

~I wish for you a better tomorrow…always a better tomorrow.

Love, Rainey