Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Change of Plans October 31, 2013

Filed under: about me,all — rainey46 @ 8:56 pm
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It’s bad again. I watched J cycle today from laughing like a maniac to sobbing. She saw her doctor and he upped her medicine yet again. Please let this work.

I cancelled my reservations for the mountains this weekend. It might be a long, hard few days.

 

Unicorns and Tree Spirits October 28, 2013

unicorns

unicorns (Photo credit: Martyn and Debz)

 

I once believed in endless possibilities. Anything, absolutely ANYTHING, was possible. The world was a wondrous place, and I believed it all.

 

In my mind, Unicorns were real. It didn’t matter that my mom told me otherwise. She even pulled out the encyclopedia (this big set of books we used to have before Google) and proved it to me. But I didn’t believe her. Deep down inside, I just knew that one day I would catch a glimpse of this magical creature. I daydreamed about them for hours at a time, imagining our adventures together.

 

There were other things I believed in with the certainty that only a child with a grand imagination could. Pegasus was real and flying around when we were not looking. Characters in books were more than characters. They stepped off the pages and lived real lives. I believed in tree spirits. As a young child I often played, alone, under the boughs of the many trees in my backyard. They seemed to have distinctly different personalities: some were loving and gentle, while others where playful and mischievous. It was all perfectly logical to me.

 

Some of my certain beliefs were not cute or sweet. I believed in horrible monsters who hid in dark corners and waited for wandering little girls. I believed a creature lived under my bed at night. Evil: pure, unadulterated evil, lived and breathed in my world. I could feel it and see it, just out of the corner of my eye…I didn’t know until later that real evil lurked in some people I knew, and the dark corners would one day be my refuge…

 

Somewhere along the way I lost that belief in endless possibilities. When did it happen? Was it a gradual death that took place over a long period as I traded Barbie dolls and toy cars for long-haired boys and beer? Or did it happen suddenly, a lost innocence that occurred like a sharp intake of my breath when I met real evil? I’m not sure when or how it happened, but I do know I cannot go back.

 

I miss unicorns and tree spirits. I miss those times of simple faith. Believing is not easy at all for me anymore.

 

 

Bohemian Song October 27, 2013

Here I am

in the October sun

Not looking for love

just looking for fun

~

A nomad at heart

I don’t stay around long

I put miles behind me

with a bohemian song

~

Drinking a  beer

hat pulled way down low

It’s not even five

but I’m itching to go

~

A nomad at heart

I don’t stay around long

I put miles behind me

with a bohemian song

~

No chains to hold me

no people in my way

I go where the wind blows

never will I stay

~

A nomad at heart

I don’t stay around long

I put miles behind me

with a bohemian song

~

This life is for me

I like it better this way

I see what I want

something different each day

~

A nomad at heart

I don’t stay around long

I put miles behind me

with a bohemian song

~

I put miles behind me

with a bohemian song.

my road

 

Close to Perfection

Fall Day and Night 2013 006Yesterday was magical. It was as close to a perfect day as you could ever desire. If you read my post yesterday, you know it began with coffee and quiet reflection before the sun rose. I then fell back asleep, which I guess I needed. I had peaceful dreams and awoke feeling refreshed. I did a quick house cleaning and washed a few clothes. (So, okay, in a perfect world those things wouldn’t need to be done, but I did say it was CLOSE to perfect.)

I spent the rest of the morning and afternoon painting. I put Pandora Radio on my Kindle and listened to The Tallest Man on Earth, Gordon Lightfoot, Incubus, Mumford and Sons, Fun., Blind Melon, and many others, old and new. The air was cold, but I painted on my back porch anyway. I love a crisp fall day! While painting, I used textures for the first time. I love the look of a textured painting, but I’ve never tried it. It turned out  pretty good for my first try. It didn’t even bother me that hubs didn’t like it; I know he is not crazy about a lot of my art, but he is supportive about it. I really like it, and someone already asked to buy it!

As I was winding down my painting, I started a big pot of homemade chili and sent a text to my daughters and daughter in law (What do you call your gay daughter’s significant other? Not sure about that.) inviting them over. I set the chairs up around the fire pit and we had a few beers while eating delicious chili. The night air was cold, but the warmth of the fire kept us toasty.

This is what life is all about.

Fall Day and Night 2013 002

 

 

Peaceful Morning Thoughts October 26, 2013

It’s quiet here. All I hear is the steady hum of the small heater I have plugged in to combat the morning chill. The entire world, it seems, is still asleep. The birds are still in their nests awaiting the morning light. Not even the distant crow of the rooster can be heard. Even the sun is still in slumber. This quiet moment, for it is just a moment, is one of my favorite times of the day.

I am up early simply to have this moment. I usually try to sleep in on Saturday to catch up on the rest I miss during the busy week. Today having this peaceful time to myself is more important, and much more needed, than extra sleep. I need to “re-center” myself on the important things in life and focus on me for a change. My life gets so out-of-control crazy at times that I literally have to step back, take a breathe, and do some self-reflection.

What is most important to me at this time in my life? Where do I need to focus to have personal growth where I need it? How can I lessen the huge amount of stress I carry on my shoulders? What perceptions do I need to work on? What new short-term and long-term goals do I have? What makes me really happy? What things, ideas, or people do I need to let go from my life to increase my self-worth and happiness?

These are the questions I ask myself. Sometimes when my world is crumbling around me I lose sight of the big picture; my internal compass goes haywire and my sense of purpose is lost. It takes a bit of quiet self-reflection to remind me of who I am. “Perception is reality.” I live by that quote. Sometimes I only need to adjust my perception to become happier. I cannot change the actions, thoughts, or beliefs of those around me, but I can change my perception by examining myself and others.

Hubs is working, J is sleeping. The dogs are still deep in slumber, snuggled against my legs. My fingers are itching to hold a paintbrush. I wonder…what will I create?

 

Giggles To Get Through the Week October 23, 2013

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Update October 22, 2013

Filed under: about me,all,bipolar,daughters — rainey46 @ 6:30 pm
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Okay, quick update. J stopped taking the second medication and she seems stable again. Hopefully this was just a small bump in the road. Keeping my fingers crossed…

 

Be Careful October 21, 2013

Filed under: all,quotes,writers — rainey46 @ 6:15 pm
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We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be.

                                                                                                              Kurt VonnegutMother Night

 

Wise words, my friends. Very wise words.

 

Again October 20, 2013

And…here we go again. If there is anyone out there in anonymous blog-land who actually comes back more than once or twice to read about the shit-show I call my life, you should probably change channels now. You’ve heard this before, multiple times. But, it is my life, this is my blog ABOUT my life, so….

J’s meds are not working. She has been on the same one for a whole year now, and that is incredible for her. Her bipolar ups and downs (she had rapid cycling…ha-ha, I typed “rabid” by accident; that fits, too) started getting crazy about three months ago, so her doctor added another drug to help the first one. He slowly upped it to the proper dosage over a month, but it didn’t work. So, two weeks ago he weaned her back off that one and started a new one.

It’s not working. The voices in her head returned. She is more aggressive than ever, and spent most of her monthly paycheck in a week.

I just want her to be happy and stable. She deserves it. I deserve it. Is it too much to ask?

Back to the drawing board. Again.

 

 

We All Touch Lives October 16, 2013

Life is pretty incredible. I received this from a former student. It is a rough draft of an essay she is writing…about me. I’m not publishing this to toot my horn, but to encourage you all to see that each one of us touches the lives of others in some way. We may never know just what we mean to someone else.

My Hero

My hero is my 5th grade teacher, Mrs.R.  I consider her my hero because she is a hardworking, intelligent, loyal lady.  She has helped many people in her life, not just through school, but also through life.  I still stay in contact with her.  I go to see her, call her, and text her.  I look up to her not only as a role model, but also as a motherly figure.  She’s one of the people who inspired me to become a teacher.  I want to touch people like she’s done for me.  Mrs. R is someone who I could run away from home and go to without getting in trouble.  Some girls go to their best friends for everything, but I go to Mrs. R.

            Mrs. R is a hard-working woman.  I would go over her house on a school night, have her help me with my homework, while she’s grading papers.  When I was in 5th grade, she taught science, social studies, and coached the Science Olympiad team.  On top of that, she ran a tutoring business, did her school work, and had a family to take care of at home.    Mrs. R was an elementary school teacher for 15 years.  While she was a teacher, she earned two teacher of the year awards.  She is now a literacy coach at an elementary school.  In her free time, she loves to paint.  When she retires, she plans to stay home and paint.

            Mrs. R is one the most intelligent people I know.  She originally went to beauty school. She dropped out and went college to major in education.  She attended  University until she found out she was pregnant with her oldest daughter.  She then took a 6 year break and took night classes at University.  She has helped me throughout school since 5th grade.  When she was running the tutoring business, she helped kids that were taking college courses.  I had trouble all throughout my years of any science class I’ve had.  Mrs. R helped me through them.  It’s not what she teaches, but how she teaches it.

            I would consider Mrs. R a loyal person because she gives up her own time to stay at her school late and do extra work.  She gave up her time to tutor kids on her time.  She’s never left a child on anything, whether it’s a problem, homework, or if they don’t have ride.  She always goes above and beyond the call of duty.  She’s given up her free time to help me on assignments at her house.  She could be painting or anything otherwise than helping me, but she chooses to because she won’t leave a child that needs help behind.

            As of today, she still continues to inspire children and touch them.  She works to push children up to their ability.  Right now, she’s probably touching a child like she has done to me.  Mrs. R is working to make a change in a child’s life.  She once told me that if she changes at least one child’s life, she’s doing her job right.  In my opinion, she’s going way above doing her job right.