Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Awful June 28, 2013

Filed under: about me,all — rainey46 @ 4:14 pm
Tags: , ,

I tried painting yesterday and a little today. It was awful. It made me want to throw away all of my paintbrushes!  I probably haven’t painted this poorly since I started. Oh, well. Another day…

I feel itchy to do something creative. Just don’t know what I can do…

 

Meet Our Fur Ball, Tucker June 26, 2013

Tucker 2

Meet Tucker. He is a Shih Tzu just like Sophie, and just like Riley was. He is adorable and has a sweet nature, but is feisty enough to hold his own with the “grand-pups” when they come over. I  think it is okay that I am not bonding with him right away like I have my other dogs; he seems to like hubs, and they have bonded nicely. I’m fine with that; I just want the little guy to have the love he deserves. It’s not that I don’t like him; I really do. I just know my heart is not in it. I will grow to love him more because that is my nature; I am and always will be an animal lover.

Sophie is still avoiding Tucker. We are trying to help her out of her depression. The vet said to give her time, and to make sure she gets to do some favorite things. I bought her favorite chew toy today, and she got to go for not one, but TWO rides in the car. She seems content at the moment. As I am typing this, she is lying beside me chewing her toy. Tucker is playing on the floor with hubs, playing tug-of-war.

As for me, I had to get out of the house today. I got up early and went grocery shopping (I know, not exciting, but it gave me something to think about). At 10:00 I broke down. Riley died at 10:00 a week ago today. I also cried when it thundered because Riley was scared of thunder. After multiple breakdowns, we decided I needed a distraction so hubs took me to see a movie and then we went out to eat. It did help, so at the moment I feel more peaceful than I did earlier.

I’ve tried doing art, but it all turns to shit. I cannot force it; art (or writing, for that matter) has to come from somewhere deep inside. Even my photographs seem flat. Hopefully I will find that spark again, because it is the best emotional release I have.

Meet Tucker

 

New Puppy June 25, 2013

Filed under: about me,all,depression,dogs — rainey46 @ 5:00 pm
Tags: , , ,

Yesterday, hubs took me to get a new puppy. I went to Riley’s grave and cried before we left. We went to look at one puppy and ended up coming home with his brother. He is the same breed, but looks nothing like Riley. I made sure of it.

He is a sweet, energetic little black fur-ball. I enjoy him, but I have no emotional ties to him. I pray that changes. As I sit in the floor and play with him, I cry because I miss Riley so much.

The puppy is a distraction. He takes constant supervision, as most pups do. My house is mostly puppy-proof, so I just close bedroom doors and he follows me around. Soph sits on the couch and watches him play.

I know I’ve fallen over another edge of depression; I can feel the tumble, yet I am helpless. I almost welcome it. Sophie, Riley’s female companion, is just as depressed. She is barely eating and will not come near the new pup. I hold her and we both watch the puppy while we mourn.

 

 

 

Today June 23, 2013

Filed under: about me,all,death,depression,events,family,grief,journal — rainey46 @ 6:29 pm
Tags: , , , , , ,

Today was the hardest day since the day Riley died. No particular reason; just a really, really hard day. I’ve cried so much I look like I was beaten in the face.

If you are not a dog person, you don’t get it. He was my little boy, my constant companion. If you averaged the time I spent with humans and the time I spent with my two dogs, I know for a fact I spent much more time with the dogs. He slept beside me at night, curled up under my left arm. If I rolled over, I felt his little fur weight pressed against my back. In the morning, he followed me to the bathroom, waiting patiently until I finished so he could be let out for his turn. If he got scared, he ran to my arms. He greeted me at the door every single day, joyful and happy that I came home again. If I went out-of-town, he moped and refused to eat until I returned. He loved to play ball, and would let me work on the computer for just so long before he insisted that I take a break and play with him.

Dogs have always had my heart. Riley came into my life when my girls went away to college and I felt so lonely. Hubs works 12 hour shifts so I am home alone a lot, especially in the summer. Not long after that was when J started the first downward slide of bipolar, addictions, and disorders. It was a hard time for hubs and I, and it drove us apart for a while. Mental illness is not understood by the general public, as you all know, so I had no one. Except Riley. He was not a trained therapy dog, but he might as well have been. When I cried, he stayed by me, licking my tears as they streamed down my face. When I calmed down, he would gently bring me his favorite ball and look at me with those huge, understanding eyes. God how I miss those eyes.

Hubs called to check on me today. I can hear in his voice how worried he is about me. He knows my tendency toward depression, and that in recent years it has gotten worse each time. He wants to go get a new puppy tomorrow. My first reaction was NO, but it’s not to replace Riley. That will never happen. But our little girl, Soph, is out of sorts and so lonely now. And if we get a puppy, it needs to be in the summer when I can train it. I’m just not sure I’m ready for that. Hubs is just trying to stop my downward slide, I realize that. It is so sweet. I’m just not sure.

 

Over and Over I Hear These Words June 22, 2013

Filed under: life — rainey46 @ 2:55 pm

Oldies that I turn to over and over again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tqxDUMcVjws

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s4QL0L9fgbg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsJ4O-nSveg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_m0bI82Rz_k

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kXYiU_JCYtU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SzsDHtzx6tI

 

Life

Filed under: about me,all,quotes — rainey46 @ 2:17 pm
Tags: , ,

 

What is life? It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset. – Blackfoot

 

When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice. – Cherokee

 

They are not dead who live in the hearts they leave behind. – Tuscarora

 

 

 

Different

I am different. Yes, I know, we all are. I guess I should say I am VERY different from others. By “others”, I mean people my age. I don’t have a problem with it, though. It is just a fact.

But then, I’ve always been different. As a very young child, I lived more in my imaginary world than I did in the real world. I didn’t have any friends who lived nearby, and I grew up in a time before play dates and “Mommy and Me” outings. My two best friends were my imagination and my dog. I had friends in school, but no one I even remember well.

Fast forward: teen years. I suffered typical teenage angst, along with the shameful taste of molestation. I was rebellious; hell, that’s putting it mildly. I was sexually promiscuous and without limits. If there was a way to get high, I did it. I “tried on” various groups; you know, the jocks, the nerds, etc. as I searched for a way to be accepted. Truthfully, the only group who came close to feeling right was a group of misfit druggies. They weren’t the  hip stoners I thought were so cool in their total disregard for authority, but just a motley crew of kids from bad homes, or kids who struggled in school and turned to drugs to make it hurt less. They were a sad lot, but they accepted me. But even then, they knew, and I knew, I didn’t fit in. For one thing, I was too smart. I could easily make A’s without trying, so I failed on purpose. Another problem was I came from a good home. By this time, my dad worked his way up and brought our little family out of hovering above poverty to solid middle class. I had both parents and a nice house in a good neighborhood.

Fast forward: meeting my husband. When I met my husband, I left behind my old group of friends and hung out with his friends. The sad thing is, none of my old friends missed me and I didn’t miss them. My new friends liked me and accepted me into the group. Well, the men did. I was still reckless and a tomboy, willing to try new things. I played ball, went fishing, rode motorcycles, and would do almost anything on a dare. The girls of the group took a while to like me and accept me, but they did eventually. My husband loved the wild side of me, but he ignored anything he didn’t like. The molestation?  The gang rape? I told him about it and he pretended it didn’t happen. I mentioned it years later, and he seemed shocked. We all bury our heads in the sand, I suppose. Anyway, they accepted me, but I still felt different, like an outsider allowed to come inside for a bit.

So, you see, being different is no big deal to me. At this stage in my life, I am comfortable being me (most of the time). I no longer try to conform to what society or, even forbid, the neighbors. I have friends, but most of them are much younger than me. (Does that make me immature? Probably. Do I care if I am immature? Of course not…haven’t you been paying attention??) The only people I really spend time with are my two daughters and my husband.

It is at times like this, when I my heart is breaking, that I wish I had the type of friends who would come and get me to shake me out of my misery. When I suffer inside because of J’s bipolar/addictions, or when bad things happen in my life, I really have no one to turn to. Sometimes the price I pay for being different is steep.

 

Real Love June 21, 2013

Filed under: about me,dogs,musings,Sorrow — rainey46 @ 2:09 pm
Tags: , , ,

I understand now. I know why I have such a deep, real love for dogs. I understand why I love and trust dogs more than I do humans.

Dogs love. Unconditionally, no-holds-barred LOVE. They love so completely, they give so freely, that I trust them. Humans, however, always have an agenda. We all do. Humans have ulterior motives whether we realize it or not. It’s not a shameful thing; it is just the way it is. It’s just the way we are.

I learned a very long time ago to never fully give my heart to another human. But I handed over my heart and soul to Riley because he knew me, he accepted me, and he loved every part of me without reservation.

My little dog Riley died Tuesday. I’m hurting worse than I ever have before.  The pain is physical and intense.

The sun is shining. The birds are chirping. Life is moving on, but my heart is shattered beyond repair. I know I love my little Sophie, and I know I will love another pup someday, but never, ever will there be another Riley.

DSCN0737a

 

Waiting June 18, 2013

Filed under: about me,all — rainey46 @ 3:05 pm
Tags: , , ,

Waiting is one of the hardest things to do.

 

You and I Love Like No Other June 14, 2013

Filed under: music,personal,Poems,poetry,rain,relationships,writing — rainey46 @ 3:54 pm
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Your lips touch mine like a butterfly’s wing

you taste of  sweat and  long days of spring

lingering, tasting, taunting me

I love how you and I become we.

~

Hold me close and let’s dance real slow

hold me now and never let go

‘cuz you and I were made for one another

you and I love like no other.

~

My paint touches canvas  and I feel your gaze

thoughts of you still put me in a haze

a shiver runs up and down my spine

I knew at first glance you’d always be mine.

~

Hold me close and let’s dance real slow

hold me now and never let go

‘cuz you and I were made for one another

you and I love like no other.

~

I awake with a start, tears on my face

Looking around, I don’t recognize this place

This is not our home, something’s not right

You should be here beside me at night.

~

Hold me close and let’s dance real slow

hold me now and never let go

‘cuz you and I were made for one another

you and I love like no other.

~

My heart breaks again as I remember the pain

Our carefree life ended at 3rd and Main

The squeal of the tires the sound of breaking glass

On that cold winter night from this life you passed.

~

Hold me close and let’s dance real slow

hold me now and never let go

‘cuz you and I were made for one another

you and I love like no other.

~

I dream at night of our time together

How we loved to dance in the stormy weather

Now  I spend each day all alone

I no longer dance now that you are gone.

~

Hold me close and let’s dance real slow

hold me now and never let go

‘cuz you and I were were made for one another

you and I love like no other.

~

Hold me close and let’s dance real slow

hold me now and never let go

‘cuz you and I were were made for one another

I will always love you like no other.

CoupleKissing