Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

THIS is What I Wanted to be When I Grew Up? May 7, 2013

Life is crazy. And weird. And never, ever what you expect it to be.

When I was 10 if you asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would say a vet. I wanted to help all the animals in the world. Never mind that I couldn’t stand the thought of putting one down, or the realities of surgery. I just wanted to love and help them all, in some vague way. Oh, and get paid for it, so I could afford the ‘farm’ I would have. Never mind the real hard work that goes into such a farm; I just liked the idea of it.

When I was 13 if you asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would say a rock star. I idolized those who could rock out: playing a guitar and singing their way across all the countries of the world. I wanted it all: the fame, the fortune, and the fans. It was just a minor problem that I had no singing talent at all, nor could I play any instrument. Unless you counted a play electric organ. I could beat out Silent Night like nobody’s business.

It’s strange, looking back. I had this idea of who I would be and what my life would be like. In some ways, parts of it came true. I always wanted to get married and raise a family, and I have done this. I wanted to stay home with my children and raise them like my mom did with me, and I did. I stayed home with my girls until they started school. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I eventually decided to be a teacher, and (other than the lack of money) I never regretted that decision. Although I still sing in the shower, to keep the vocal chords warmed up, just in case…

My life did not turn out to be exactly as I thought; life has a way of shaping  you and changing your beliefs and values. Things that I once thought to be important are now of no consequence to me.

Funny, as I was growing up, not once did I ever think to myself, “When I grow up, I want to be a semi-crazy mom who raises one drug-addicted,  bipolar daughter with life issues, and one daughter who has strict, traditional values. Except for being gay, of course. Oh, and I want a husband who is old-fashioned and out of touch, so I can carry the weight of our problems by myself. Throw in a dog I love, but who has unexplained seizures, and THAT’S the life I want!”

No, none of us really get what we think we want. But you know what? I’ve made a life. I have a sense of humor that saves me most days. I have a family I love who loves me back. I have an interesting job that is great most days. This is my life, and I made it mine. It is not what I expected, because it is so much more.


10 Responses to “THIS is What I Wanted to be When I Grew Up?”

  1. lala1966 Says:

    great post! xx

  2. I really admire the grace with which you accept your life and find contentment and happiness in it. Those are things I don’t really know for long periods of time because my moods are ever changing. I know I never said as a child, “I want to end up 40 years old and raising a kid on my own.” But this is where I am and it’s not entirely bad. She’s teaching me as much as I am teaching her. Still not to happy though. With bipolar, though, happy is a visitor along with grumpy, paranoid, panicky, manic, depressed, and all the other mood dwarves 🙂

    • rainey Says:

      At this point in my life, I am trying (not always successfully) to enjoy the good while I can. My highs are not as damaging as my lows, so I live it up while I can. When the lows come again, maybe it will be enough to keep me hanging on. That’s how I see it, but what the hell do I know? 🙂

  3. MBC Says:

    Great post Rainey! Love those days when things become clear and you realize life IS worth living. I only sing in stupid spots like at a stop light when a car full of people are right next to you and they all stare at you.

  4. sakuraandme Says:

    This is true. But its all a part of you! A beautiful part, nothings perfect. Who wants perfect anyway! I bet you sound fab in the shower! :). Hugs Paula. Xxx

  5. backonmyown Says:

    This is wonderfully uplifting. And wise, too.

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