Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Gypsy Vs. Small Town Me March 30, 2013

I am so restless. I itch to make things happen, and yet I do nothing. Is it because I am scared? Is it because I am just a lazy dreamer? Is it because I don’t know how to start? I don’t really know.

Am I destined to live my life with this restless spirit, or is there some way I can live this life I have and satisfy my desire to wander? It is like I am two people in one: one reliable person who is the wife and mother living in Small Town, USA. This person baked cookies, made homemade jelly, coached softball, and taught all the neighborhood kids how to create awesome science projects. She desired a house with a big yard and traditional furnishings. She is the good wife, daughter, and mother. The other person inside of me is a gypsy. She doesn’t care about social norms; she lives by her own set of rules. She believes in the spiritual goodness found in nature. Her one desire is to wander the earth to see all there is to see. Her life is found in a traveling caravan. She creates beautiful things just for the sake of beauty.

I know we all have different parts of our personalities, but mine seem to be constantly waging war with one another because they are polar opposites. The older I get, the more Gypsy me tries to take over. It’s like I have been what society expects me to be for as long as I could, and now I feel restless and rebellious to let the ‘real’ me take over. I want to see things, do things, have experiences that Small Town me could never do. Some times I am disgusted by what I allowed myself to become, because it is not the me I hold in my heart.

So, do I just walk away from this life? How do you walk away from a family that  you love? YOU DON’T! So how do you find a peaceful way to allow the Gypsy me to be satisfied without harming the people and life I led? I feel selfish just THINKING these thoughts; I lived my life putting my family before me. I have much to be thankful for; please know I am not complaining nor do I take what I have for granted. I just know this restlessness is not going away…it is growing stronger day by day.



3 Responses to “Gypsy Vs. Small Town Me”

  1. lala1966 Says:

    I have dealt with those same feelings. I have walked off from my inner desire to be what I need to be for everyone else and pursued that Gypsy in me. I think that stepping away in little moments at a time will keep you from making a big step away from all that you need to be. We need to be selfish at times. We can’t deny ourselves of taking care of our wants and needs all of the time. If we keep doing that too long, we might end up walking away forever. The important thing is to make good choices and be mindful of how much we spend being the perfect small town girl and how much we let the gypsy out to play. Don’t feel guilty for thinking about yourself at times. 😉

  2. sakuraandme Says:

    OMG!!! I just felt like you wrote about me!!! You would have seen by my blog that I’ve asked my husband for a divorce. I am totally shit scared about what I will do, yet there’s something inside me that’s bursting to get out. The older I got the worst the feeling was too. I’m not saying get a divorce…Not at all, but I understand every single word you just wrote. I’m 45 and my boys are 21 and 28. I was a young mum and the gypsy in me is dying to break free. Even as scared as I am.Happy Easter and I’m giving you the biggest hug right now. Paula xxxx

  3. Kirk Rehn Says:

    Sometimes its not just ok but necessary to reevaluate your life. Are you doing what you wanted to do? Are you the person you believe you could be? Id not, what is holding you back. You’ve been a mother, a caretaker, a selfless being for so long. Now its only fair and right that you focus on yourself. Why would you harm people by being who you are? Maybe it would empower them to take more responsibility for their own up bringing. Nothing should be taken for granted. If you feel repressed, listen to that inner voice before it explodes. Do some small thing every day to express the gypsy in you. Or take more drastic steps and move to a more accepting city. Whatever you do, remember that you have the right and obligation to take care of yourself first. The rest is all details.

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