Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Trying Not to Fall Into the Abyss March 24, 2013

I’m trying. I really am. Every day when I wake up and look in the mirror, I tell myself all those positive things the therapists and self-help books tell you to say: “You are a valuable person. It’s okay to not be perfect because no one is.  You have empathy and talent. You are worthwhile. There are people who love you just as you are, faults and all. You are lovable.” Sometimes I even believe a small part of what I say, but mostly I look into my eyes and see a nothing person. But I promise, I am trying to find reasons to be alive.

I see everything as though I am peering through a thick, black fog. The haze is so real I can taste it. It leaves a heavy metallic taste on my tongue. My eyes feel gritty from trying to see beyond the haze, so I often just close them. When I am home, I try to sleep, but dozing is the best I can do. My mind is filled with every demon from my past chasing me into a corner. I fight the urge to just surrender. Giving up, surrendering, seems so alluring and easy, and yet I still fight. Something in me makes me keep fighting.

I think it would be better now, but life circumstances are conspiring against my healing. My dog, who is one of my huge reasons for living, is back in the emergency hospital with seizures again. I ache for him. Another financial problem reared up to cause even more stress. And then, of course, there is J, who is herself teetering on the edge of mania gone wild.

I can almost see the edge of the cloud, but my fingertips are tired; they ache to let go and just let my body and soul fall into the abyss.

Life circumstances are hard right now, and that is not helping.


8 Responses to “Trying Not to Fall Into the Abyss”

  1. Alastair Says:

    Remember …..

    You are somebody to the world
    You are the world to somebody

  2. I’m so sorry. Hang on. Just. Hang. On. For J., if no other reason. Sending hugs!!! Praying for you, and your dog, and J.

  3. moodchaser Says:

    Hang on, Rainey. You will reach the end of that fog. Force yourself to go for a walk. Force yourself to smile. Even when you don’t mean it. Fight. You are worth the fight, even if it seems impossible to try. Pick up a Bible and read a verse. Thumb through it. The strength you need to make it through the pain is there. You are not alone.

  4. purpleowltree1234 Says:

    Wishing you peace which nothing can invade or steal or destroy. Wishing you comfort right through your whole being and mind. Wishing you strength cuz it takes the strength of an army to pace yourself through times like this. I’m so sorry to hear how depressed you are feeling. You express it exactly accurately. I recognise my own bouts of fighting the darkness, in your words.
    Much Much love and compassion from your friend Rach.
    *Caring* Rainy

  5. H. Stern Says:

    Don’t take this the wrong way, but have you considered medication? You are a wonderful, loving, giving person, and if you need some help getting through this period in your life, then you should have it. I’ve been on medication, and yes, it’s absolutely a crutch, but you know, sometimes you break your leg and it’s ok to use a crutch for a time. Not forever, maybe, but to get through the worst of it. So, all I’m saying is, if you don’t need it, then ok… but if you do, that’s alright, too.

    And you are SO loved. You are loved by an entire community of people who, without even meeting you, can tell just from your writing and your photographs what an amazing person you are.

  6. When I read your posts, I see so much beauty and strength and the kind of love and wisdom that even in the middle of chaos will grow. That is what shines through you writing ❤

  7. MBC Says:

    Been a long time since I’ve been here. I wish you were feeling much better than your current condition. Sounds like you have a lot going on to kick you into depression. I always wish there was a magic pill or a simple verse that could cure this dis-ease. Guess I would have to use it on myself also! I noticed one of the comments mentioned medicating….maybe something to think about. I’ve spent since December un-medicated and have paid a steep price. In the process of getting back on medication myself. For what it’s worth; I’m a long ways away, but you definitely have value to me! MBC

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