Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Too Much Suffering February 20, 2013

She is running. J is never home these days, and when she is it is not for long. She is frantic. Her speech is like verbal garbage falling from her mouth. Her eyes are huge and she barely blinks. She is the walking poster child for mania.

It doesn’t help that she just got paid and her tax money is due any time now. For J, money and mania is as deadly as drinking and driving. I’ve talked to her already and she sees the signs. But how do you pull back? How do you stop the freight train that is flying down the track without any brakes? The doctors never really answer that question. How do I sit and watch the accident unfold? All I can do is warn her, but when she is in this state it doesn’t stop until…well, you know.

Depression. The evil twin of mania. It will slow her speech, stop her traveling, and halt her spending. Each time, I pray it doesn’t take her life. And, if I am being truthful, I pray it doesn’t take my life. Every time I watch her go through this, I die. I rage against a God, or Gods, or just the fucking universe, for doing this to her. Yeah, I’ve heard it before: there is a reason for everything. I have to say, I don’t see a reason for this suffering she must endure. I don’t want to know that there is an all-powerful BEING who would allow the agony I have witnessed. For that matter, what type of glorious  GOD would allow me to be molested at the age of four? Or gang raped as a teenager?

Sorry, I got carried away. I’ve seen too much suffering lately. I sat in the hallway today as a nine-year old described her home life. She lives with eleven other people, all but one older than she. They make her fist fight her eight-year old brother because they think it is funny. She had a busted lip. I’m pretty sure she’s been molested, but I cannot get her to admit it yet. Another child was so hungry he was literally shoving food into his mouth like some sort of caveman. This was on Tuesday, right after we returned from a three-day weekend. I wonder if he had eaten at all since school on Friday.

There is so much pain with our young people. They don’t deserve this kind of life. My daughter is a good, decent person. She doesn’t deserve the pain she deals with every day. The children I see at school are too young to deal with the adult issues they must deal with daily.

My heart hurts today. I’m having trouble seeing the beauty in this world when all I see is immense pain and suffering of our children.


10 Responses to “Too Much Suffering”

  1. Alastair Says:

    I wish there was something I could say that would help, but there is nothing apart from .. I am sorry. Mother Teresa once said “God doesn’t give me any more than I can handle. I just wish he didn’t put so much faith in me”

  2. Rainey, I am so sorry to hear that things are in such a state for you and J and the whole world. Teachers here in the mountains tell me that the parents spend all their welfare money and even trade their food cards for meth, so the poor kids DO starve over weekends. The teachers stuff their backpacks with food on Fridays and tell them to hide it however they can. It sounds too much to bear. I agree that it is hard to deal with the idea of a “Supreme Being” that would not merely allow, but CAUSE such suffering. There are teachings in Jewish mysticism that purport to explain this, but I have to say right now I don’t buy it. Are you connected with a Survivors of sexual trauma group? I have been blessed by membership in a couple of groups, where you don’t feel like a freak but like a sister survivor. It has helped me a lot. If you’re not in one and are interested, private email me at dinaleah at hotmail dot com. Hang in there, sister.

    • rainey Says:

      It is incredible, the things parents do when their children are hurting. We pack bookbags for weekends, too, but you know it is never enough.
      I’ve never met with a group; maybe one day I will feel like I can share with “real” people. Right now putting the words on my computer is about all I can handle! Thank you, though; i will get with you if I feel ready. You are a good person with a good heart. Thank you.

      • Oh, groups in person I don’t think I could do. We have a closed group on FB for Survivors of sexual violence, and there are a couple of Survivor blogs on WP too. The FB group is vetted so that guys cannot sneak in. I’ll be happy to help you get in there if you feel the need and can handle it. ((hugs))

  3. Oh, you know what I say to “there is a reason for everything”? Fuck that. There’s no reason for suffering. Just evil people. Nobody deserves those things happening to them (well… maybe the ones that do them… maybe).

  4. sakuraandme Says:

    What can I say, life can be absolutely shitty at times and this is one of those times. I like you struggle with…everything happens for a reason! Some day’s I accept that and others I want to say..Go f..ck yourself! Apart from what personally have gone through, Bipolar can be crippling and it’s hard to watch people you love suffer so much from it’s affects. I hug you and hope tomorrow is a better day! Hugs Paula xxxxx

  5. yourothermotherhere Says:

    It is not God that allows those things to happen. WE allow them to happen. We need more people with heart in the world – like you.

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