Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Pure Rage February 5, 2013

J is at therapy right now. She has bounced so much lately between mania and depression, I am afraid he will change her meds again.  The mania can sometimes be aggressive anger in the form of a sharp tongue and aggressive mannerism that she usually does not show. A few times in the last week her mania has been rage. There is no other word for it. Pure, on the edge, rage. And it really scares me.

I’m scared for her, not for me. I’ve never had her hurt me or even try to. I’m more worried that she will turn it on some total stranger or someone at work. Not that I think she is a danger; not at all. J has always swallowed her anger, or turned it inward. But the rage she feels now comes out of nowhere and is usually very out of proportion to what it should be. For example, she stopped at the store to buy chap-stick.  She couldn’t find her favorite kind, so she asked the clerk. When the clerk told her they were out, she was filled with rage and had to turn and walk out of the store. She couldn’t even speak she was so enraged. Now that the anger is coming out more, I hope the therapist works with her on how to express anger in a healthy way.



18 Responses to “Pure Rage”

  1. Jackie Says:

    Best of luck! I hope things get better. My heart goes out to you – it’s not easy when you have a situation like this.

  2. sakuraandme Says:

    Sorry to hear that. I’m Bipolar 2 and thank fully don’t get angry.My sister is Bipolar and at times does. She doesn’t mean to ,but at times she creates wrongful scenarios in her own head…if you understand what I mean? I usually try and talk her down and keep her calm and to look at things in a different way. She’s 51 and not as hostile as she was younger. People would be scared of her when she was angry. Hugs Paula xxx

  3. MBC Says:

    That’s exactly the kind of rage I go through when I’m manic. Anything can set me off. It’s a combination of the mania peaking and my anxiety at a high level. Start getting there when I start feeling overwhelmed with too many irons in the fire. Usually it takes a slow burn to get out of it. Then I pay the price by seeing the people I affected. Over six foot and two forty, I scare alot of people. Don’t know if any of what I wrote helps. I’ve had this for a long time and only happens in certain conditions. Anything new that could be setting this off? Really can’t blame her about the chapstick…..kidding. MBC

    • rainey Says:

      It’s funny; most people who don’t have experience with BP think mania is all energy and fun. While it can be high energy and yes, even “fun”, I see more irritation with her. I can see where some might be scared of you, but you seem like a “gentle giant” to me.

      • MBC Says:

        Lots of energy. The fun is there, in the form of exitement. It’s not pure joy and hapiness that people think when they hear the symptoms. Don’t know if J feels the same way, but when this rage happens I cann feel it starting and I cannot stop the proccess from happening. Your minds in that mode of narcissism that you can’t back down. Makes you wonder which is more destructive, the depression or the mania?

      • rainey Says:

        You know, I think that’s why I never considered the fact that I might be bipolar. I thought, “Well, I never feel that pure joy and happiness, so there must be something else wrong with me.” And yes, you described it perfectly. Which is more destructive? A very good question. With depression, I worry about J taking her own life; with mania, I worry about her screwing up her life…which leads to depression…you know (all to well) that cycle.

  4. Alastair Says:

    It feels odd clicking like, but it’s to let you know that I have read it and I feel for you and your family. I know it’s hard … well I say I know, but I don’t really, I can only assume I do.

    • rainey Says:

      We all carry our own baggage, right? Thanks for showing your concern. You are such a great friend, Alastair. 🙂

      • Alastair Says:

        Yes we do have our own baggage. Some is hidden – like bipolar when it is dormant, others is on display – bipolar in it’s full melt down mode. The thing is, people see bipolar people who are on a melt down and all they see is “assholes on drugs” they don’t realise that what they are doing is associating someone with a severe – self-destructive – problem. My son has Asperger’s Syndrome so people used to think of him as a brat, so I know what it means to be looked at with disdain. The only thing I can offer is my wishes.

        Thank you for saying I am a great friend, but .. people who know me personally see me differently. I can be empathic to people, but in person I am different

      • rainey Says:

        Maybe you need to show your “real life people” that kind heart you have! You are a very matter-of-fact kinda guy, which I like. Each comment you make, I see pieces of what makes you a great person. I think sometimes in life we hold back too much of who we really are.

      • Alastair Says:

        There’s very few people I show the real me to. Baggage. LOL

      • Alastair Says:

        But thank you for your kind comment

  5. Ouch, so sorry for both of you. Your daughter is so fortunate to have an understanding and supportive mother! I was wondering, have you tried DBT to help her find alternate ways of dealing with her rage? It’s really helped my BP and AS son.

    • rainey Says:

      She has tried DBT when she was hospitalized. I think she may be trying it again now, but I don’t question her about it. I let her tell me whatever she wants to share. I do have good news, though. Check my new blog entry!

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