Today was long. And difficult. So here’s a few chuckles, just in case your day was as bad as mine! Enjoy!
A Reason to Put on a Bra February 24, 2013
Damn. I have to go out today, so I must put on real pants. And a bra. AND SHOES! Oh, well. It’s for a great reason. My youngest daughter, S (not the one with bipolar) and her life partner, E, are buying a house.
S is only 24 years old and she is buying a house! That is pretty incredible to me. She has always been one to go after what she wants. In school, she was driven to get terrific grades and take all the hardest classes. She graduated in the top 10% of her class, but still managed to play sports and maintain a good relationship with her group of friends. The one thing she did not do is have a boyfriend or girlfriend. She always said she was too busy to date, and that the boys were too immature. After high school, she went away to college for a year and hated it. S never got into partying and chasing boys, so she didn’t fit in. She toughed it out for a year then came home to attend community college. She graduated with a degree in the health field and makes more money than I do!
During this time, S worked a part-time job and lived with a roommate in a small house nearby. She came to me one day and, with tears in her eyes, told me she was bisexual. My sweet girl was worried about telling us, but I think I knew before she did! It wasn’t long after that when she met E.
Our state does not recognize same-sex marriages, but they have exchanged rings and consider themselves married. Now, here we are, about to see the house they want to buy.
Life is funny, you know? You can dream and imagine what you think you want in life, or how you think your life might be, but seldom will you be right. I never thought I would be the mother to two incredible girls who grew to be such wonderful, yet diverse, women. One battles daily hardships that would make most people crumble, and yet she forges on. The other sees what she wants in life and goes for it, against all odds.
It’s a great feeling to know that I, with all the baggage and problems I have, still managed to raise and mold such terrific humans. There might be hope, after all. And I guess that is a good reason to put on a bra and even shoes.
Oh How I Love No Real Clothes Weekends! February 23, 2013
It is a cold, wet day here, but I am snug in my house lounging in my “house clothes”. Am I the only one who wears house clothes? It’s a step up from staying in my pajamas all day; I throw on a pair of comfy pants (yoga or some other exercise pants that have never seen me sweat), a sports bra, and a generously sized t-shirt. Oh, and of course, socks. I can then clean house, wash clothes, play with the dogs, and complete paperwork all in complete comfort. Or sit on my ass and play on the computer all day.
Then, if we need something from the store, I can say, “I can’t go! I don’t even have on a bra or real pants!” That usually works, because hubs or daughter look me up and down and think: “Damn, she’s a hot mess and everyone in this freaking town knows that we are related. I guess I will go.” I love it! Works every time!
This is how I feel Monday-Friday (and weekends when I MUST go out.)
Too Much Suffering February 20, 2013
She is running. J is never home these days, and when she is it is not for long. She is frantic. Her speech is like verbal garbage falling from her mouth. Her eyes are huge and she barely blinks. She is the walking poster child for mania.
It doesn’t help that she just got paid and her tax money is due any time now. For J, money and mania is as deadly as drinking and driving. I’ve talked to her already and she sees the signs. But how do you pull back? How do you stop the freight train that is flying down the track without any brakes? The doctors never really answer that question. How do I sit and watch the accident unfold? All I can do is warn her, but when she is in this state it doesn’t stop until…well, you know.
Depression. The evil twin of mania. It will slow her speech, stop her traveling, and halt her spending. Each time, I pray it doesn’t take her life. And, if I am being truthful, I pray it doesn’t take my life. Every time I watch her go through this, I die. I rage against a God, or Gods, or just the fucking universe, for doing this to her. Yeah, I’ve heard it before: there is a reason for everything. I have to say, I don’t see a reason for this suffering she must endure. I don’t want to know that there is an all-powerful BEING who would allow the agony I have witnessed. For that matter, what type of glorious GOD would allow me to be molested at the age of four? Or gang raped as a teenager?
Sorry, I got carried away. I’ve seen too much suffering lately. I sat in the hallway today as a nine-year old described her home life. She lives with eleven other people, all but one older than she. They make her fist fight her eight-year old brother because they think it is funny. She had a busted lip. I’m pretty sure she’s been molested, but I cannot get her to admit it yet. Another child was so hungry he was literally shoving food into his mouth like some sort of caveman. This was on Tuesday, right after we returned from a three-day weekend. I wonder if he had eaten at all since school on Friday.
There is so much pain with our young people. They don’t deserve this kind of life. My daughter is a good, decent person. She doesn’t deserve the pain she deals with every day. The children I see at school are too young to deal with the adult issues they must deal with daily.
My heart hurts today. I’m having trouble seeing the beauty in this world when all I see is immense pain and suffering of our children.
Chameleon Moods February 19, 2013
My chameleon moods shift
like grains of sands tossed in the surf
at times, violently churning
against moss-slick stones
other times, calmly suspended
floating in weightless buoyancy
The strong pull of the tide
urging me to give in, let go
but I fight, clawing and grasping
I just want to be me.
I am amazed. Yesterday, I placed some of my photos online to sell and I have already sold TWO! One is a small print and the other is an Iphone case. The company makes most of the money, but i don’t even care. To me, this is not about money. It just blows me away that someone would PAY MONEY for something I created! WOW! The creative side of me is doing a happy dance (it looks like a cross between The Harlem Shake, Gangnam Style, and a life-ending seizure) and hyperventilating…